A Red Dwarf / X-Files Crossover
by Kurt Konecny and Cindy Marx

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Epilogue
 

Any comments? Mail me
 

 A word from the authors
 

This convoluted tale of space travelers and FBI agents
was written in the spirit of fun.  No harm was intended
and, to the best of the authors' knowledge, none was caused.
We assure you that any similarity between what you are
about to read and what you see when viewing either Red Dwarf
or the X-Files is purely coincidental.
Despite some blatant plagarism and the use of pretty much
every character that ever appeared in either show, this work
is entirely original....
well we're sure some part of the definition of "original" can
be applied to some part of the chronicle before you.
If not in this universe, well, there's an infinite number of
them out there.  An attempt was made to write while maintaining
the highest respect in regards to Rob Grant, Doug Naylor,
Chris Carter, their concepts, characters, and brilliant creations.
In fact, anyone else who feels they deserve respect at this point
can rest assured that he or she was also kept in mind while the
writing was progressing. Both authors greatly admire Red Dwarf
and the X-Files and it is our hope that the humor and drama
inherent in each program has found a channel through us to you
as the two cult favorites were mercilessly combined, mashed
together, and mutilated out of sheer boredom.
 Do not believe anything we write.  Look to the creators of the
programs for the truth.  It is out there.

The truth is out there
3,000,000 years out in deep space

Government cover ups
Sen-smegging-sational

The public must know
Black card situation

Trust no one
Have some toast

Conspiracy
A female aardvark

The Red Dwarf / X-Files Crossover

Prologue:
  Next

(Lister and Cat are sitting at a table in the sleeping quarters)
Cat: Do you have any threes?
Lister: Nope.  Go fish.
(Cat snatches up a card)
Lister: Any queens?
Cat: No way are you getting any queens from this kitty!
Lister: Cat, if you've got them, you have to give them to me.
Cat: Then I don't have them.
(Lister picks up a card)
Cat: Do you have any queens?
Lister: Nope.  Go fish.
Cat: Maybe it's just me, but this game has no end in sight.
Are we playing with the same deck?
Lister: Just go fish.
Cat: You know, I think I will.  After all, it's lunchtime!
(He whips out a mirror, checks his hair, and then produces a
small fishing rod.)
Cat: I'll go see if anything's biting in the pond in the botanical
gardens!
 YEEOW!
(Rimmer enters and steps aside so Cat can cruise by.)
Rimmer: Where's he off to in such a rush?
Lister: He's trying to catch some 3,000,000 year old fish.
Rimmer: Well, didn't know we had any of those left.  Say, up for
a game of Risk?
Lister: I think not.
Rimmer: Oh, come on!  You wouldn't join in for hammond organ night,
the least you can do is roll a few dice!
(Holly appears on the monitor)
Holly: Awooga!
Rimmer: Not again.
Lister: What is it, Hol?
Holly: What's what?
Lister: What's the awooga for?
Holly: Oh!  Right.....something's wrong.
Rimmer: This is going to take hours.
Lister: What's wrong?
(Kryten wanders in prepared to vacuum)
Holly: There's some kind of subspace distortion, I think.
I've never used this scanner before.  (looks off to the side)
It's blipping.
Kryten: Blipping?
Holly: Oh dear.  Now there's a red light that's started flashing.
Rimmer: Are you sure you're not watching the clothes spin in the
dryer again?
Lister: We're on our way.  Tell Cat to meet us in the drive room.
(He grabs his jacket and heads into the corridor followed by
Rimmer and Kryten)

(Scully is walking down the hallway of FBI headquarters to the
records department)
Mulder: Scully!
(She turns and smiles)
Scully: Mulder, hi.
Mulder: I just got a lead.  Come with
 me.
Scully: Where are we going?
Mulder: Some guy over on Fifth Street is supposed to have some
insight.
Scully: Insight into what?
(Mulder grabs her sleeve and she consents to join him.  They find
their way to the parking lot and get in Mulder's car.
He starts the engine.)
Scully (sighing): It must be Monday.
Mulder: Bad morning?
Scully: My toaster exploded.
Mulder: Really?  Flames and all?
Scully (nodding): And even worse, burnt toast.
Mulder: I can't abide burnt toast.
Scully (looking at Mulder's tie): Is that a new tie?
Mulder (grins): Yeah, you like it?
Scully: In a way.
Mulder: In what way?
Scully: In the way that if I say "no" you'd be offended.
So, yeah, I like it.
Mulder: Why do I bother?
Scully: You tell me.
Mulder: Hey, this thing doesn't have a passenger side airbag, so
you'd better behave.
Scully: Last time I checked it didn't have a driver's side airbag,
either.
Mulder: Oh.
Scully (looks out the window): So, what's this guy supposed to
know?
Mulder: What guy?  Oh, on Fifth Street.  Well, he's supposedly
been in contact with this sort of thing before.
Scully: Mulder, what sort of thing?  What is this about?
Mulder: We're here.
(Mulder parks the car and they climb the steps of an apartment
complex.
 They press the appropriately marked doorbell)
Voice (over intercom): Yup!
(The door buzzes and unlocks.  They enter and climb the stairs.
They knock on a door)
Voice: Coming!
Scully: Very trusting.
Mulder: Mmm.
(The door is opened and Scully and Mulder are ushered into the
apartment.
 They admire the various photographs on the walls as they pass.
Scully studies one carefully.)
Scully: Are you a photographer, Mister....
Mulder: Mister Lister, isn't it?
Bexley: Please, call me Bexley.  No, ma'am, I'm not a photographer.
But that's a really common photo.  It's the Jupiter rise.
Mulder: Was it taken by Hubble?
Bexley: No, it was a 35 mm, I think.
Scully: I can't quite place your accent....
Bexley: Neither can I, I'm afraid.
Mulder: Do you mind if we got down to business?
Bexley: Not at all.  I've been expecting you.  I suppose you'll
be wanting to know about the rift in the space time continuum.
Scully: The what?
Mulder: Could you explain that one?  I don't think my partner is
familiar with the terminology yet.
Bexley: Well, in the most simple terms, it's a magic door.
Only this magic's real.
Scully: Could you be a bit more specific?
Bexley: Excellent!  You've got comprehension skills.  Now then,
when you come in contact with one of these rifts it transports
you to another place and time.  It can be a bit unsettling till
you get used to it.
Mulder: You're that used to them?
Bexley: I'm used to quite a lot of things.  But these rifts can
be dangerous.
 Some of them are only one way.
Scully (skeptical): How many of them are there?
Bexley (shrugging): Who's to say, really.
Mulder: Do you know where one is?
Bexley: Sure I do.  But I've never gone through.  I don't know
where it goes or if I can get back.  And I like it here just fine.
Scully: Could you, ah, show us this....(to Mulder) What was it?
Mulder: Rift in the space time continuum.
Scully: Yeah that.  Can you show it to us?
Bexley: Sure.  Follow me.  It's in the basement.
(He leads the way out of the apartment.  Mulder grins as Scully
rolls her eyes.  They trail behind Bexley.)
Scully: Mulder, where did you find this guy?
Mulder: He's actually written some wonderful articles.
Scully: For what? Insanity Monthly?
Mulder: No, for leading scientific journals.  He's got all sorts
of theories and ground breaking ideas.  If only his hypotheses
could be tested!
Scully: Where are we going for lunch?
Mulder: You're not the slightest bit interested, are you?
Scully: In magic doors?  Please, Mulder, can we go look for
something sensible.  Maybe aliens again.
I'm getting used to them....
Mulder: Ten more minutes, ok?  Just humor me.
Scully: It's not in my job description, but it really should be.
(Bexley turns on the basement light and moves a filing cabinet
out of the way.  A faint green glow is visible)
Scully: Mulder, stay back!  We don't know if it's dangerous.
Mulder (moving closer): Oh, it's not.  Is it, Bexley?
Bexley: Nope.  Safe as safe can be.  Similar to a stasis leak,
but caused by different forces.
Mulder (sticks his arm through the wall): Incredible!
Scully: Mulder.....
(Mulder disappears)
Scully: Mulder!  What happened!?
Bexley: It looks like he's the curious type.  I suggest you watch
that first step, ma'am, it's nauseating.
Scully: There's some kind of trick to this, isn't there?
Bexley: No.  It's all too real.

(Cat slinks into the drive room with a plate of trout a la creme.
Lister raises his eyebrow inquisitively)
Cat: Ok, so the fish weren't biting!  But I still got me some
lunch.
Rimmer: Ok, Holly, where's the red blip?
Holly: I've lost it!
Rimmer: I cannot believe that those words actually surprised me.
Holly: Oi, there's something else now.  An orange light.  There,
on the panel.
Kryten: Why, that's the intruder alert.
Rimmer: ALIENS!
Lister: You must be joking.
Kryten: No, my joke mode was not engaged, Mr. Lister, sir.  Read
the label.
Lister (reading the label): "When orange light flashes, intruders
are present." Well, couldn't the skutters have gone crazy with
the label maker?
Holly: No, they've been on their best behavior ever since they
sealed Rimmer in that airlock.
Rimmer: I'm still not laughing about that.
Lister (picking up a nearby bazookoid): Hol, can you pinpoint the
location of the intruder?
Holly: You mean the intruders, plural.  There's more than one.
Rimmer: How many?
Holly: Two.
Lister: Where the smeg are they!!?
Holly: Two decks down and a bit to the left.
Lister: Your left or mine?
Holly: Um.....mine.

(Mulder stands in the middle of a corridor.  He can't decide if
it's been painted military gray or ocean gray, but he does decide
that he doesn't care.
 A machine rolls down the corridor carrying a plastic gun and
wearing feathers on what might be its head.  It is pursued by a
similar machine which is wearing a cowboy hat.  They turn into a
side corridor before they reach him.  He feels a hand on his
shoulder.)
Mulder: I surrender!!!
Scully: What are you talking about?  Where on earth are we?
Mulder: We're not on earth.
Scully: Mulder, this is not the time for jokes.  (She turns
around and sees a plain gray wall.  She touches it.) Hey, where's
the glowing green light?
Mulder: Uh oh.  One way magic door.
Scully: But a door to where?  This is totally ridiculous!
(Mulder presses a wall panel and a door slides open.  There is
a window revealing the blackness of space.)
Mulder: We're on a UFO.
Scully: We are not!
(They move back into the corridor and they hear footsteps.)
Mulder: Well, I think we're about to find out.
(Lister, Rimmer, and Cat round the corner)
Rimmer: There, there!
(Cat calmly finishes the remaining trout and disposes of the
plate)
Cat: I see 'em, bud.  And I think they see us.  Yes, look,
they have eyes, too.
Rimmer (depressed): Oh, so they're not aliens.
Lister: Right, let's get this sorted out.

Chapter 1
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Lister (holding bazookoid): Where the smeg did you come from??
Mulder (confused): I am from Earth. Who is your leader?
Lister: Leeeeeeder??
Rimmer: (steping forward) Ahhhhh, yes. I believe that I am the
man you're looking for. (He eyes Agent Scully)
Mulder: Where are we?
Lister: Oh, I'd say about thirty million years from wherever the
smeg you got that haircut.
Rimmer (getting closer to Scully): How do you feel about dead men?
Scully (pulling her gun): Mulder........
Mulder: I KNEW IT!! The truth IS out here!!!
Lister: Uhhhhh...yeah...if the truth means Suicide Squids, shape-
shifting vindaloos, and countless swirly time-thingys, then yeah,
I guess the truth is out here. Seems we're always runnin' into the
smeggin' truth.
Mulder: What is this "Smeg"? Is it your God?
Cat: No buddy, "Smeg" is that tie you're wearin'!! I've seen
inbred one-cell life forms with better dress sense!
(Scully stifles a laugh)
Holly: Gordon Bennett!! Where did those two come from?
Scully (looking at Holly): Amazing....Mulder, artificial
intelligence....
Holly (insulted) Artificial?? The only artificial thing here is
your hair color!
Kryten: (walking into the room) Greetings.
Mulder: (looking at Kryten) My God.....mankind has created robotic
life in the future. Think of it Scully...improved workers, improved
intelligence,(looking at Kryten's groin) wow...improved everything!
Kryten: Oh don't mind that sir....I was just doing some cleaning
(removes cleaning attachment).
Lister: If you don't mind...who are you?
Scully: We're FBI agents who investigate paranormal events, such
as UFOs, ghosts, government-created neurological toxins....
Cat (interrupting): Really?? Toxins? Would you two mind doing Lister's
laundry?  We sent a skutter to do it, but it threw itself out an airlock
after seeing what was in the bin.

Chapter two
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Lister (rolling his eyes at the cat and turning the bazookoid in his
direction):  You wanna keep out of this?
Cat: Just trying to make conversation.  Keep your pigtails on. (slinks
off down the corridor)
Lister: (Turning bazookoid back to Mulder and Scully) UFOs, didya
say?
Mulder: Yes, they fall into the categories of X-files.
Rimmer: What exactly are these "X-files?"
Toaster: The unexplainable.  (muttering) Use your loaf.
(Everyone glances at the toaster and goes on with their lives)
Mulder: (raises an eyebrow) How long did you say you've been out here?
(The Boyz huddle together for a moment)
Lister: (looking towards Mulder and Scully) Three million two hundred
and six years, more or less.
Scully: But that's impossible, you..
Rimmer: (sidling up to her) Is it reeeaaally?  Well, that's fascinating.
Why don't you join me for dinner and we can talk allllll about it.
(He opens his eyes wide and stares into hers)
Scully: (cocking the weapon) Mulder...
Mulder: (stepping between Scully and the Boyz) Three million years?
Kryten: Yes, sir. (He offers an abbreviated explanation of Lister
going into stasis, the accident, revival of Rimmer, evolution of Cat
race, and finding of Kryten)
Scully: And Holly was functioning the entire time?
(nods all around)
Holly: (reappears having heard her name) Oi, what is it now?
Mulder: Nevermind, really, we'll figure it out on our own.
(Holly's digitized face vanishes)
Lister: How did you guys get here anyway?
Scully: There was a rift in the, uh, a magic, um.......Mulder?
Mulder: Three million years, huh?
Rimmer: Yes, yes, yes.  Enough of this tot.  I want them off this ship.
 We don't know where they've been or what they're carrying.
Kryten: I've done a scan, sir, they're clear.
Rimmer: As much as I trust a scan performed by a vacuum cleaner with a
personality disorder, I must insist that they at least be quarantined the
requisite five days to be perfectly sure.
Scully: No, not another quarantine! (turns desperately to Mulder who
has the same panicked look in his eyes)
Kryten: Don't worry, ma'am.  It isn't necessary.  (Turns maliciously
towards Rimmer) Despite what the Smeeee Heeeee says. (smiles in triumph
and waddles down the corridor to prepare quarters for their guests)
Rimmer: (learing at Lister) Knock it off.
Lister: (Looks around, confused) Knock what off, man?
Rimmer: You heard! (Storms off)
Lister: (takes a deep breath and refocuses on the FBI agents) Ok,
I'll put down my weapon if you'll put down yours.
(Scully nods and slips the gun back into her holster)
Mulder: (approaches Lister) I suppose you've seen a lot of fascinating
things in the last three million two hundred and six years.
Lister: (slides the bazookoid over into the corner and shrugs) Nah.
Mulder: You must've seen something.  A UFO, aliens...
Lister: Oh, smeg.  You're starting to sound like Rimmer.  Anything odd
happens and it's Aliens.
Scully: (breaks into a big smile) I know exactly how you feel.
(She and Lister walk down the hall amiably chatting about the nonexistance
of aliens)
Mulder: Smegging hell.

Chapter 3
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Lister (Walking into Parrot's bar with Scully): ...And then Holly
blew up the squid.
Scully: My God...you guys have been through a lot.
Lister (sitting down at the table): Yeah...just being on the ship
with Rimmer all these years has been the smegs.
Scully (sitting): Rimmer...is that guy for real?
Lister (Laughing): Yeah he is. (looking at Scully) I've never told
anyone this before, and if you tell annnnybody I said this, I'll throw
myself off the ship...
Scully (smiling): What is it?
Lister: Rimmer is an arrogant, self-centered, sad, gimboidy git, but
I've come to rather like the guy.
Scully: (making a face) REALLY?
Lister: Well, it's like hemhorroids......after a while you get so used
to them, they become like family. (thinking) Errrrrrrrr...maybe that
was a bad analogy.
Scully: Rimmer...hemhorroids...nahhhhhhhh, that sounds right to me.
Lister (laughing, and standing up) Would you like something to drink?
Scully: Sure...what do you have?
Lister (looking at the stock behind the bar): Let's see...lager, lager,
lager,  lager, hey...there's some tea back here. I think it was Kochanski's
favorite.
Scully: Tea would be nice, thanks. Who was Kochanski?
Lister (making tea): Just someone I used to like. She was killed with
the rest of the crew.
Scully: I'm sorry.
Lister (bringing tea and lager to table): Don't be...I think i've
seen more of her since she died.
Scully (taking tea): Thank you Lister.
Lister (sitting down): Please, call me Dave.
Scully (smiling): Thank you...Dave. (looking at Lister, holding up
the tea for a toast) To the future.
Lister (looking at Scully and clinking her cup with his glass):
And the past.

Mulder (in Lister and Rimmer's quarters with Rimmer, Kryten, and Cat):
...And when we walked through, we were here on the ship.
Rimmer: And you say that you're from the 1990's?
Cat: Hey...were the 1990's a civilized time? I mean, would the women
have been attracted to me?
Mulder (looking at Cat's clothes): With that outfit, I bet that some
of the viruses we've run into wouldn't have been attracted to you.
Rimmer: You expect us to believe that you just popped up higgledy-piggledy
on the ship from 3 million years in the past?? I don't think so, m'laddo.
Mulder: I don't expect you to believe anything. All I want is to find
out why the hell we're here, and to get Agent Scully and myself back
home. Where is agent Scully, anyway?
Kryten: I believe I saw her with Mr. Lister in the bar.
Mulder: With Lister?? Maybe I better go check on them.
Kryten: You have nothing to worry about, sir. Mr Lister is a very
trustworthy and intelligent person. I have learned many things from him.
How to lie, for example...
Mulder (suspicious): How admirable. I think I'm going to check on her.
Rimmer (getting up): Not by yourself, you're not. I'm going with you.
How can we be sure you're not a polymorph??
Mulder: A polymorph?? Hey...I like women as much as the next guy.
Besides, you're not my type, Rimmer.
Cat: Goalpost-head isn't ANYONE'S type...except for maybe a certain
little cutie in cargo hold 5 who has a blow-valve sticking out of her back.
Holly (popping up on the monitor): Oi!! Sorry to interrupt your witty
banter, but I think there's something you should be aware of.
Rimmer: What is it?
Holly: I just did a scan....and actually the blow-valve is on her foot.
Rimmer: That's all you wanted to tell us?
Holly: Well...that and the fact that a ship is decloaking directly
ahead of us.
Kryten: What?? Put it on screen.
Rimmer, Cat, and Mulder (in unison, looking at the screen): Oh smeg...
 

Chapter 4
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(Lister and Scully are huddled over a small table in Parrot's)
Lister: So, are you and this Mulder character, eh, serious?
Scully: Serious? (laughs)  No, we're just partners.
Lister: That's what I was hoping. (sideways grin)
Scully (leaning closer): And why's that? (smirking)
(Just then Rimmer and Mulder come storming into the room.  They pause
in the doorway)
Rimmer: Thank God Holly was right.  There they are.
Mulder (looking twice): Uh, Scully?
Scully (standing, professional once more): Mulder, what's happened?
(Mulder eyes Lister and decides this is not the time to make an issue
of his advances)
Mulder (coughs and moves towards Scully): There's this -
Rimmer (hisses): Lisssssster.  (motions for him to join him on the
other side of the room)
Lister: Listen, Dana, I'll be right back.
Scully: Ok, Dave.  Mulder, what is it??
Mulder (blinks several times): Uh, there's this, uh.....
Lister (moves over to Rimmer) Hey, man, what's up?
Rimmer: Well, wouldn't you like to know, m'laddo?
Lister: Rimmer, you never come pulsing down the corridor unless its
urgent. So what's gone wrong now? Are the skutters rebelling?
Chicken soup nozzle clogged?
Rimmer: Oooooohhhh Listy.  Would that it were that simple, would that
it were. (rocking back and forth on his heels, smiling)
Lister: HOLLY!!
Holly (appearing on the wall): What.
Lister: WHAT THE SMEG IS GOING ON?
Holly: On where?
Lister (sits at a nearby table): What's all the hullabaloo?
Rimmer: There's a ship out there.
Lister: You wha'?
Rimmer (nodding): You've got it squire.
Holly: They decloaked a few minutes ago.  They're hailing us.
Lister: Well, answer them already!!
Rimmer: We would have if they wanted to talk to us.  However, they
want to speak with you and I asked for the pleasure of breaking the
news to you myself.
Lister: Who are they?
Rimmer: Ooooohhhh Listy.  Old old friends of the family.
Lister (standing): No.
Rimmer: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessss.
(Scully and Mulder move over to join the discussion)
Mulder: Is it aliens?
Scully (smacking him): Of course not.  (she grins and adds) Use your loaf.
Mulder (glaring at Scully): Then who is it?
Scully: Dave?  Care to fill us in?
Lister (lowers his head, scuffs his foot on the floor): It's, uh,
me in-laws.
(Holly shakes her head sadly and Rimmer turns away, stifling a guffaw)
Scully: What? You're married?  To who, Kochanski?
Lister: Nah, her name's Khhkhhhkhhkhkhkhhkhhkhh.  I think.
Mulder: What is she?
Lister: She's a GELF.
Scully: A genetically engineered life form?  Amazing.
Mulder: Not aliens?
Rimmer (with sympathy): Alas, no.
(Kryten and Cat enter with mournful expressions)
Kryten: Let me be the first to offer my condolences, sir.
Cat: And I'll offer to make you a suit for your funeral.
Lister: Yeah yeah.
Holly: They're hailing us again.
Lister (deep breath): On screen.
(Khhkhhkhkhkhkhh appears with her father, some other tribe members,
and an emohawk for good measure)
Kryten: Aaaah!! It's the emohawk!!!
Lister: Calm down, man, and translate.
Kryten: Yes, sir, sorry, sir.
(The Kinitawowi begin to address Lister.  Scully and Mulder watch with
eyes wide while Rimmer and Cat giggle in the corner.)
 

Chapter 5
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Kryten (To Lister): Sir...I've intergrated my translation mode into
Red Dwarf's communication relay.
Lister: And........
Kryten: That means that you can communicate with the Kinitawowi yourself.
Lister: Smeggin' great. (Rimmer and Cat guffaw...Mulder and Scullywatch with curiosity) Patch me through, Kryten.
Khhkh's Father (on monitor): At last we have found you, unwashed one.
Lister: Uhhh....you can call me Lister.
Khhkh's Father: SILENCE! (Rimmer and Cat continue to laugh silently).
What is your reason for leaving our daugther?
Lister: Well...I thought it would be better if.....your beautiful
daughter and I remained "friends".......DISTANT friends.
Khhkh's Father: That is unacceptable. You WILL return with us to our
world and you WILL mate with our daughter to advance the population.
Her anger has added to her energy. I hope you are built well enough
to withstand your postponed wedding night.
Lister (collapsing into chair): Smeggin' hell.
Rimmer (addressing Khhkh's Father and smirking) Don't you worry sir.
We'll put him on a vitamin and energy supplement right away. They
don't call him Dave "Jackhammer" Lister for nothing.
Lister: Rimmer....shut the smeg up....
Khhkh's Father: Ah yes.....you must be the annoying one known as "Rimmer."
 Well Rimmer, I suggest you write down his supplement plan, as you
won't be around to tell him.
Rimmer (no longer laughing) Wh...what do you mean by that?
Khhkh's Father: You, Rimmer, and the one with the shiny clothes known
as "Cat," and the droid known as Kryten have been sentenced to death
for the theft of an oxygen generation unit from our planet.
Cat: Uh-oh.
Khhkh's Father: We have brought someone who is quite capable of seeing
to it that your sentence is carried out. (picks up the Emohawk, who
starts shaking)
After the failure of the last Emohawk's mission, its sister here was...
how should I say....SEVERELY punished for her brother's failure.
(Emohawk is trembling harder, and a frightened whine is starting to
come from it).
SILENCE!! (raises hand to strike the Emohawk).
Lister (quickly): You touch her, matey, and I'll make sure that your
daughter takes a smegload of cold showers....
Rimmer (to Lister): Lister...what the hell are you doing?
Lister (To Rimmer): I'm not gonna stand here and watch him hurt that
thing.
Khhkh's Father (hesitates, and puts Emohawk down on floor. Emohawk
scurries away): Very well. As I was saying, I have someone here who
is looking forward to carrying out your death sentences. He is also
one of the reasons why you two are here, Agent Scully and Agent Mulder.
(Screen moves to show another Mulder)
Cat: Oh man....two of you?? Whenever there are two of somebody around
here, the smeg really hits the fan....
On-Screen Mulder (in different voice): Remember me, Agent Mulder....
Agent Scully?
Scully (to Mulder): My God, Mulder.....it's him.
Mulder: Oh smeg........
On-Screen Mulder: Glad to see you remember me. (begins changing shape,
ends in the shape of a tall, well-built man).
Rimmer (scared, to Mulder): Who the smeg is that?
Mulder: Several months ago, we came across a dozen clones that were
getting murdered across the United States. It turned out that they
were alien experiments, and an alien bounty-hunter that could change
his form was sent to kill them.
Lister: He can change his form?? Doesn't that make him....
Mulder: Perhaps one view would make him a highly advanced polymorph.
He can only be killed by piercing the  base of his skull, and his blood
is HIGHLY toxic. If any of his blood touches  you, you have minutes to live.
Kryten: Excuse me sir, but his blood wouldn't affect me.
Hunter: Yes it would, droid. That reminds me.....Agent Mulder, you
came in contact with my blood. How is it that you survived?
Mulder: Lots of Grandma Mulder's chicken noodle soup. What do you
want with us?
Hunter: Last time we met, I was hired to kill the clones. This time,
I'm hired to kill you and Agent Scully. Killing Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten
is just a bonus.
Rimmer: Holly....sorry to wake you up, but would you SMEGGIN' DO
SOMETHING?
Holly (blinking up on monitor) I'm working on it...don't soil your trousers.
 Ummmm....fellas....something is beaming aboard.....
Lister (picking up bazookoid): Get ready everyone.....
Khhkh's Father (appearing back on screen, talking to someone off screen):
What do you mean I just requested to be beamed off the ship???
(the transporter lights fade, and Khhkh's Father appears in the room,
and suddenly changes into the Emohawk.)
Rimmer (hiding behind chair): KILL IT LISTY!!!
Lister: Hang on...ev
eryone else put your guns away. (Mulder and Scully lower their guns)
(the Emohawk waddles up to Lister and nuzzles his leg, purring)
Lister: What the smeg?
Kryten: I think I understand, sir. You saved the Emohawk from a beating
a few minutes ago. There is an old android saying that, roughly translated
from the binary, says "When you pay someone a kindness, they will
remember it."
Cat: Yeah, and there's also an old Cat saying that goes "Any creature
with the power to turn me into Duane Dibbley should be blown to it's
shape-shifting hell!" (Emohawk trembles)
Rimmer: I agree...get rid of it.
Lister: Hang on....I kinda like the little fella. (pets Emohawk.
Emohawk purrs) My chum used to have a puppy named Danny. How do you
like that name, Danny? (Emohawk changes into the form of a puppy and
yelps happily).
Rimmer: Oh my smegging God. I don't belive this.
Cat: Way to go Listy!! First you charm the pants off of your wife,
Bigfoot's prom date, and now you have a pet. And a DOG at that. Is
there no end to your charm?
Scully: I think his charm ends there (pointing at screen).
Khhkh's Father (VERY angry): Send the Emohawk back, and I will see
to it that your friends enjoy a "quick" death.
Lister (looking at Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten, and thinking) Nahhhhhhh.
(gives the screen a two-fingered salute) I think I'll keep her.
Mulder (smiling): I would have done the same.
Khhkh's Father: Very well. (turns) You know your job. (screen shifts
to show the bounty-hunter, and Khhkh's Father's voice is heard) I
want Lister and my Emohawk on this ship, and I want the rest to die. Slowly.
Hunter (grinning): It will be my pleasure.
Holly: Oi!! We have laser fire coming across...
(Red Dwarf is rocked by a blast from the Kinitawowi ship)
 

Chapter 6
   Previous  Next

Lister: Holly!!  Shields up!!
Holly: They are up.  Do you think I'd let a detail like that get past
me?
Kryten: May I remind you both that Red Dwarf does not have defensive
shields.
Holly: Oh.
Lister: Ah.
Rimmer: Evasive action!!
Kryten: May I remind you that Red Dwarf is the size of a small city and
anything evasive requires speed and navigability.  We have neither at
the moment.
Rimmer: Hmm.
Cat: Fire up the lasers!
Kryten: An excellent suggestion sir, with two minor drawbacks.  First -
Mulder: Well what *can* we do?
Kryten (pauses): I don't know.
Rimmer: Erm, did I hear the word "alien?"
Scully (sighing): Well, that's what *some* people call him.  The odds
of him being a polymorph with time traveling capabilities are slightly
more favorable.
Mulder: Then how do you explain...
Lister: Time out.  This isn't helping.  Who the smeg cares *what* is in
that ship.  The point is that it wants us dead.  Now, we need to figure
out how we can defend ourselves.  Kryten?
Kryten (stammering): I, you, me, well, perhaps -
Rimmer: Oh for smeg's sake.  I say agent Mulder and I team up and try
to find a solution while Listy tries to placate his in-laws.
Kryten: Perhaps agent Scully and the Cat should accompany you.  Mr.
Lister and I shall try to keep communications on a civil level.
Cat: Great.  Just great.
(Lister holds out his hand and Scully squeezes it as she walks by.  She,
Mulder, Rimmer, and Cat walk out of Parrot's, heading for a place to
think in peace)
Lister: Ok, Kryten, open the channel again.
Kryten: It's done, sir.
Lister: Ok, listen up.  There is no need to send the shape-shifting
psycho aboard.
Khhkh's Father (appearing on the screen): Is that so?
Lister (glancing at Kryten with a worried look): Yeah.  I'll agree to
come over to your ship of my own free will in 24 hours.  I need time
to, eh, get my affairs in order.  I'll bring the emohawk with me.
Once we're safely off the ship, you can turn your psycho loose and do
away with those you came to kill.  This way there's no danger of
accidentally vaporizing your son-in-law. Savvy?
Khhkh's Father: So, you think that I'll take the word of an unwashed
human who has humiliated my family?
Lister: Look, eh, dad, your ship is greatly superior to ours.  We haven't
got a chance at escaping.
Khhkh's Father: True.  Very well.  You may have your precious 24 hours.
 That will give my daughter time to prepare the wedding bed.  (His image
blinks off the screen)
Kryten (aghast):  Well, thank you oh so very much, sir!!!
Lister: Look, we've got 24 hours, let's not waste it placing blame.
We've gotta find a way out of this.  (He pets the emohawk distractedly)

(The other crew members walk down a corridor in the direction of the
science stations.  Mulder turns to Scully and begins speaking in a low
voice so that Rimmer and Cat can't follow their conversation)
Mulder (confidentially): Hey Scully, what's going on with you and this
Dave character?
Scully: What do you mean?
Mulder (faltering): Well, I just don't want you to get hurt.
Scully (skeptical): What is this really about?
Mulder (defensively): It's just that I want to make sure you're doing
your job.
Scully (whispering fiercly): My job?  We're three million years out in
deep space!  What, pray tell, is the standard operating procedure for
this situation?
Mulder: Look, just try to be a bit professional, ok? I don't want you
distracted now that push has come to shove.  Let's not turn against each
other.  That's probably what they want.
Scully: What who wants?  Mulder, there is no scheme aboard this ship to
show you up or to discredit you.  Why do you have such a hang up when
it comes to trusting people?
Mulder: Well, it all goes back to my parents.  I -
Scully: Honestly, Mulder.  You sound more and more like Rimmer every minute.

Mulder: Quiet! (glances back at Rimmer and Cat who are wrapped up in their
own conversation.  Then he adds, almost fondly) You know, he had the same
nickname at school that I did.
Scully: What was that?  Bonehead?
(Mulder stops, closes his eyes, and rubs the bridge of his nose)
Mulder: No.  No, it wasn't Bonehead.  Just forget it, ok?  (He whips out
his sunglasses and slides them into place.  Then he wheels around and
strides down the corridor away from Scully)
(Scully throws her hands up into the air with exasperation then marches
down the corridor in the opposite direction)

(Cat skulked out of the drive room behind Rimmer and watched as he mimicked
Mulder's walk.)
Cat: You know, you're way off.
Rimmer (hissing): What are you blathering on about?
Cat: His walk.
Rimmer (embarrassed): I, was, uh...
Cat: You gotta square your shoulders more, and do like this. (Cat starts
mimicking Mulder)
Rimmer: Cut that out!
Cat: Just trying to help.  You know, he's more open to criticism than
you are.
Rimmer (annoyed): What?
Cat: Notice he's not wearing that tie anymore.  He figured out what smeg
was and stopped wearing it.
Rimmer: I'm sure that your little feline opinion had no influence on his
dress sense whatsoever.
(They stop as they notice that Mulder and Scully have also stopped.
They watch as Mulder storms off one way and Scully heads in the other
direction.
 Rimmer rushes off after Mulder and Cat slinks after Scully)

Holly (appearing on monitors throughout Red Dwarf): Attention! Awooga!
(She waits for a response and gets a few half-hearted "what is it now"s.)
Holly: Blimey, just forgot.  'Ang on a mo...........Ah, yes.  Lister was
able to buy us 24 hours to work on our little prob.  Don't ask how,
just accept it.

Cat (rushing after Scully): Hey pretty lady!! Where you off to in such
a rush?
Scully: I thought that maybe I could find some information in the ship's
library.  Then I was going to go to the sickbay and round up some medical
supplies we might need later.
Cat: I'll show you where it's at.
Scully: I'm pretty sure I can find it on my own.
Cat: I usually don't go out of my way to help people.  Heck, I never go
out of my way to help people.  It's time for my third nap of the afternoon.
Scully: I really don't mean to be an inconvenience. I'm sure I could
find it if you just pointed me in the right direction.
Cat: No, I couldn't do that.  I've gotta take you there myself.  I've
never gone out of my way to help anyone before because there wasn't
anyone around worth helping.
Scully (smiling): That's sweet of you to say.
Cat: I know, I'm a sweet guy.  I also hold the post of best looking guy
on this ship.
Scully (smiling): Congratulations.
Cat (toothy grin): Heh heh heh.  What can I say? (spins around so she
can get the full picture)
(Scully applauds softly)
Cat: Hey, you know something? You look fantastic in that outfit, but I
could add some shoulder pads, some sequins...Hey, I could make you a
whole new wardrobe if you like.
Scully (tempted): You could? I had no idea you were that talented.
Cat (suddenly stopping): You're not going to suck out my vanity, are you?
Scully: Uh, no, I hadn't planned on it.
Cat (smiling and slinking down the corridor once more): Good.  The
first woman I ever met, Genny was her name, well we didn't see eye to eye.
She was really an eight foot tall genetic monster who fed on emotions.
Broke my heart.
Scully: I'm sorry to hear that.
Cat: Actually, she was probably related to this emohawk.  I'd stay
away from it if I were you.
Scully: I'll keep that in mind.
Cat (stops again and faces her): You're not going to change shapes and
alter our perceptions of you, are you?
Scully (shaking her head): Sorry, what you see is what you get.
Cat (grinning and slinking): Good.  Well, actually that was a silly
question because if you were a pleasure GELF you would have looked like
me.
Scully: Why's that?
Cat: Remember that vanity we discussed earlier?

(Rimmer caught up with Mulder and they'd proceeded to Rimmer and Lister's
quarters.  They were no longer in a rush, figuring they had a full 24
hours to sort out this mess)
Mulder: You know, Lister can be a really bad influence.
Rimmer (playing checkers with a skutter, slightly distracted): Yes, of
course I know.  I've been living with him for three million odd years.
It's because of him I never passed my astro navigation exam.
Mulder: Is that so?
Rimmer (nods): (casually) It's his fault I'm dead, too.
Mulder: Wow, how can you stand the guy?
Rimmer: Well, he just kind of grows on you.  His chirpy optimism has
gotten us through more than one scrape, let me tell you.
Mulder: Yeah, but it takes more than a positive outlook to survive.
Rimmer (contemplating the skutter's move): No, not really.
Mulder: But Lister's totally undisciplined.  You're his superior officer,
can't you get him in line?
Rimmer: Of course not. (Moves one of his checkers and watches as Pinky
proceeds to hop one of his red pieces over four of Rimmer's black pieces
and land in front of him, ready to be kinged) Damn. (Looks up at Mulder
for the first time and stands to face him)  You see, Lister operates on
a totally different level from the rest of us.  He has his plan.  All
he wants to do is get back to Earth and live happily ever after with
Kristine Kochanski.
However, given the fact that the Earth probably no longer exists, coupled
with the fact that his girl is deceased - well, it can be pretty depressing.
To a normal bloke, that is.  Lister is not normal in the way that we think
normal people are normal.  He still believes that somehow his dream will
come true.  Sometimes - and this is really on those rare occasions, and
I'm usually quite drunk at the time - sometimes I *almost* admire the guy.
Huh. He's really had a lot of bad luck, but he's never let it get to him.
 (Rimmer takes a step backwards and "inadvertently" tips over the
checker board) Oh dear. (He turns and smiles broadly at Pinky) Looks like
it's a draw, matey.  Back to work.  (He turns back to Mulder as Pinky
raises his two mechanical fingers in an obscene salute)
Mulder: That's some story.  I guess I thought the two of you were just
about ready to rip each other's hearts out.
Rimmer (shrugs):We are.

(Lister sits in the drive room waiting for Kryten to finish adding the
milk to his tea.  He tugs on his locks and pets the emohawk who is still
in the form of a puppy)
Kryten: Here you go, Mr. Lister, sir.
Lister: Thanks Kryten.  (takes a sip and licks his lips)
Kryten: Anything else I can do for you, sir?
Lister: You could distract me for a minute.  I'm feeling kind of under
a lot of pressure.
Kryten (finding the opening he desired):  Very well.  Conversation mode, on.
I've, uh, noticed that you've been spending a lot of time with that woman.
Lister (grinning): Who, Dana?
Kryten: I think you know of whom I speak.
Lister (nodding): She's pretty great.
Kryten: I caught her down at the ship's laundromat earlier.  She was
(he looks out the door then speaks confidentially) washing her clothes.
Lister (incredulous): Get out ah town.
Kryten: Honest, sir.  I'm telling you, she's one in, er, five.
Lister: Oh, ha ha.
Kryten: (confidentially, again) Sir, I think you should know that her
companion bears a frightening resemblance to Mr. Rimmer.
Lister: Yeah, I know.
Kryten: No, sir, you don't.  I was giving his quarters a quick go over
this morning and I noticed his closet door was open.  (Kryten checks over
his shoulder again) As I was closing it I noticed something quite disturbing.
Lister (leaning closer): Go on.
Kryten: He keeps his underpants on coat hangers.
(All of Lister's problems melted away as he started laughing hysterically
at Mulder's expense)
Lister (when he could again breathe): Are you sure that he's from the
same universe as us?  That could definitely be an alternate Rimmer who
just chose an alternate hair cut!
(Lister paused in his laughing and looked up at Kryten whose eyes were
fixed seriously on a scanner)
Lister (Jumping to his feet): Oh, smeg, what now?
Kryten: Look, sir, another ship is decloaking.  No, no, look, it's
appearing.

Lister: The difference being...
Kryten: It wasn't there a minute ago, cloaked or otherwise.  It just popped
into existence.  Holly! (Holly's face appears and she scowls at Kryten)
Tell the others we need them back here.
Lister: Do the Kinitawowi know that that new ship is out there?
Kryten: Doubtful, sir.  It's on the opposite side of Red Dwarf, practically
attached to the hull.  If they did a scan they would not be able to
locate an additional presence.
Lister: Can we get it on the screen?
Kryten: Working on it, sir.
(The other crew members rush back into the drive room)
Kryten: Sirs!!  Ma'am!!  Look at this!!
(Everyone gathers around the view screen)
Lister (receiving a print out): Another ship has just joined our little
party.  Here's the information Holly has gathered: Jupiter Mining
Corporation vessel, color green, registration name.....
Rimmer (impatiently): What is it?
Lister (squinting and looking out into space as the screen finally
displays the image): It's Starbug.
Mulder: What's Starbug?
Kryten: One of our ship to surface shuttles.  I assure you, it's still
in the shuttle bay.
Cat (pointing): No it ain't.
Rimmer (checking a scan): No, no, Kryten's right.  It's still aboard
Red Dwarf.  Lister, how many life forms?
Lister (checking scans): Oh, God.
Scully (leaning over his shoulder): What now?
Lister (turning to look at the group): There's two humans aboard.
Holly (Appearing): They're hailing us.
Cat: Let me say it, ok? (He stands tall in the middle of the drive room,
hands on hips, and declares) On screen!  (He looks around, pleased with
himself, but all eyes are on the screen.)
Kryten (panicking): Wait, these may be our future selves and contact
with them...
Lister (interrupting): ...has never turned out as we might have predicted.
Holly, put the message on the smegging screen!
Holly: Oi, no need to shout.
Lister: HOLLY!!!!!
(Her digitized face disappears and is replaced by: Scully and Mulder.
Lister wheels around to make sure Scully's still next to him.  He faces
her just in time to catch her as she faints.  Mulder is unconscious in
the arms of Kryten.  They are gently placed in chairs and left slumped
over the controls)
Mulder2: See, I told you.
Scully2: Mulder, one more comment out of you, and...
Lister: (interrupting) Uh, guys?  Heh, heh, what the *SMEG* is going
on??!!!!!
 

Chapter 7
  Previous  next

Mulder2: Jeez....I thought I'd take seeing myself better than that.
Scully2: Well, what do you expect? It's not every day you see a twin of
yourself.
Lister: It seems to happen every day around here. What the smeg is goin' on??
(Mulder and Scully slowly come regain conciousness)
Mulder2: It's a little complicated. How are you doing, Fox?
Mulder (Groggy): My mother always told me I shouldn't talk to myself.
Holly: Um, fellas.....
Rimmer: How do we know that you REALLY are Mulder and Scully?
Mulder (to Mulder2): If you are me, you'll know what game I was playing
with my brother when he was abducted.
Mulder2: Good thinking Fox. It wasn't your brother....it was our sister,
and we were playing Stratego. We were winning.
Scully: I don't know, Mulder.
Holly: Excuse me.......
Cat: Well, if you are these two, why are you there and what the heck do
you want?
Scully2: We want you to get your butts over here onto Starbug.
Lister: Wha? Why?
Holly: OI!! I think I've been trying to tell you why! Someone from Lister's
Pop's ship is beaming aboard....and I think it's the Hunter.
Lister: He said we had 24 hours!! That GIT!! We'll see if he gets a
smeggin' Father's Day gift from me.
Mulder2: That's why we're here. You have 10 seconds to grab what you need.
(the crew scurries around the drive room, grabbing whatever looks helpful.)
Scully2: Time's up. Here we go. (presses buttons)
(the crew disappears from Red Dwarf, and reappears on Starbug with
Scully2 and Mulder2.)
Lister: What the smeg?? Starbug can't beam us over like that....
Mulder2: No, your Starbug can't.......yet.
Scully2: Grab onto something everyone. This may be bumpy (presses button).
(Starbug turns and speeds away from Red Dwarf)

Lister (to Mulder2): Now would you tell us what the hell is going on??
Mulder2: We are the same Mulder and Scully as you two (nods towards
Mulder and Scully). In the original history, the Hunter beamed over to
Red Dwarf against the orders of your father-in-law. All of you were
slaughtered.
Rimmer: Didn't any of us, say......me, put up a brave effort perhaps?
Scully2: Well, according to reports, you actually hurt the Hunter's
ear with your high-pitched screaming.
Rimmer: Oh smeg.
Lister: Well...I mean, if you are from the future, who sent you??
Kryten: I don't believe he can tell us that, sir. It would influence our
future decisions.
Rimmer: But aren't they already doing that by being here?
Kryten: Perhaps not, if the theory of parallel universes is correct, and
we know it is. Every decision we make causes two universes to branch off,
one for each of the choices.
Lister: So, these two people are from the future in another dimension?
Scully2: Exactly. We can't tell you who sent us here. Let's just say
that they're friends of yours.
Cat (thinking): Man, space and time can be a pain in the arse.
Mulder: I don't know if I buy this...
Mulder2: C'mon Fox. You've always said the only person you can trust is
yourself. That's me.
Cat: Hang on....my nose is pickin' something up.
Kryten: Before we left Red Dwarf, I took Holly's disk. I'll put her in.
(puts disk in console).
Holly (popping up on screen): Thanks Kryten. Wish you would've thought
of that when I was stuck on Red Dwarf for those 300 years while you
four were galavanting around the universe in Starbug.
(Kryten looks down embarassed.)
Holly: Hmmm...looks like we have a ship chasing us, and if I'm not
mistaken, I believe it's that shape-shifting twonk.
Lister: Oh hell. (Danny's puppy head pops up from inside Lister's
jacket) things might get touchy (whispers something to Danny. Danny
makes a giggling sound).
Rimmer: Well Listy, I'm glad to see you're bonding with your little pal
there, but don't you think we have more pressing matters at hand than
your little fleabag? (Danny growls at Rimmer).
Mulder2: Holly...can you put the ship on screen?
(the screen shows a small ship following Starbug. The ship seems to fade
out for a few seconds, and appears closer to Starbug. It repeats this
pattern.)
Lister: What the smeg is it doin'?
Kryten: Sir, I believe that the Hunter's ship has time-travel capabilities.
It seems that he is time traveling in small jumps to get closer to us.
Lister: Well, why can't he just jump ahead of us?
Kryten: Remember...he has orders to kill us slowly.
Cat: Well, I, for one, don't like cat and mouse games when I don't get
to be the cat.
Scully: Can't we outrun him?
Scully2: I don't think so. We don't have the energy.
(Everyone is quiet. Suddenly a small voice appears)
Voice: Toast can provide energy...
Rimmer, Lister, Cat, and Kryten (in unison): Oh no.
Lister: Who the SMEG brought that on board??
Mulder: Well, when we were taking stuff from the ship, it.....it asked
to go along. I thought maybe it was Kryten's brother or something.
Kryten (VERY insulted): SIR!
Holly: Hang on.....something is coming into view ahead of us. I'll put
it on screen.
(a small structure appears on screen)
Mulder: What is that?
Kryten: I believe it is a space station.....
Lister: Holly, set a course for that station, and hurry.
(Starbug veers and heads for the space station)

(Starbug approaches the space station)
Lister: Can we find a way in?
Holly: Leave that to me. (disappears from screen)
(Lister looks over at Scully and smiles softly. Scully smiles back.)
Holly (appearing back on screen): We're in luck. They're computer is male.
I did a little sweet-talking, and just like any male, he's ready to open
his shuttlecraft door for me.
Lister (grinning): I love you, Hol.
Holly: Yeah....that's what he said too.
Rimmer: By the way, how many weapons do we have?
Lister: Uhhhhhh.....I managed to grab a bazookoid.
Cat: All I got was my mirror.
Scully: Your mirror??
Cat: Baby....my looks are a weapon!
Rimmer: Great Cat, maybe when he's shooting at us, he'll hit the mirror
and get seven years bad luck.
Mulder2: Hang on...we're going in.
(Starbug enters the space station and lands. The doors close, and the
room fills with air. The crew climb down from Starbug.)
Rimmer: Now where? Holly you little minx, how about asking your computer
date where the smeg we are.
Lister: Yeah, and ask him where everyone is. I'm surprised nobody is here
to see who we are.
Holly: Will do.
(the space station is rocked by laser fire. The lights flicker off, and
back on)
Holly: It's no good. That shot hit the main computer grid.
Cat (pointing at door): Ahhhhhhhhh!! He's trying to burn his way in!
Lister: GET THE SMEG OUTTA HERE!!
(Everyone runs into a corridor and follows it to a door at the end. They
press a panel and the door wooshes open. They enter the room, and the
door wooshes closed behind them. They are all standing in a small room,
with only the one door behind them)
Rimmer: Way to go, Listy.
Cat: Oh man....we're deader than parachute pants!!!
(Suddenly, the room is filled with the sound of someone walking in the
corridor outside the door. Mulder and Scully pull their guns)
Mulder2: NO!!! Nobody shoot him in this room. It's too small and his blood
is bound to touch us and contaminate us. Besides, the only way to kill
him is by piercing the base of his skull.
Rimmer: Oh smeg. We're dead.
Lister: I hoped it wouldn't come to this......(pulls Danny from his jacket)
Rimmer: Listy!! That's right!! The Emohawk can kill him! Sacrafices must
be made, you know!
(footsteps are heard right outside the door)
Lister: You're right Rimmer. But I couldn't do that to Danny. I have
something better in mind.....
Kryten (realizing what is about to happen): Wonderful plan, sir!!
Lister (to Danny): Now, remember what I whispered to you back on Starbug.
It's time for plan A.
Rimmer (realizing): N....no....Listy.....
(Lister throws Danny into the air. Danny turns into a paper airplane and
arcs gracefully towards Rimmer)
Rimmer (Scowling at Lister) You'll pay for this, m'laddo.
(Danny turns into the Emohawk and extends his mouth, latching onto Rimmer's
forehead and hanging there)
Rimmer: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (his hair begins to grow longer, and
within seconds, he becomes Ace Rimmer)
Ace Rimmer (in deep voice): Brilliant plan, Davey-Boy. (throws purring
Emohawk back to Lister, Emohawk turns back into Danny). Cat,Kryters...
great to be fighting alongside you two gents again. (nods at the two
surprised Mulders) Hello. (looks at the two Scullys). Hi there. The
name is Ace...Ace Rimmer.
(Lister throws him the bazookoid). Well, usually I prefer a smoked kipper,
but now it looks like I have an alien's butt to smoke.
Lister: Watch out for his blood. It's toxic.
Ace Rimmer: I eat toxic blood for lunch, Dave.
(the door wooshes open)
Ace Rimmer: Time to kick arse. Smoke me a kipper....I'll be back for....
(The Hunter fills the room with laser fire)

Chapter 8
  Previous  next

(Cat watches the emohawk's attack of Rimmer with a wide grin plastered
on his face.  He hears the door crash in behind him and his first instinct
is to run for cover.  Remembering that there is no other exit from the
room, he ducks behind the only object large enough to conceal his entire
body.  The other members in the room dive behind the Cat, shielded entirely
from the Hunter's laser fire by the full length vanity mirror he had
insisted upon bringing along)
(The laser fire ricochets off of the mirror and bounces off of the walls.
Most of the fire ends up being reflected directly back upon the shooter)
(Lister peers around the mirror when the blasts stop.  The Hunter is down.
 He's bleeding toxic blood and his wounds are slowly closing.  He does
not appear to be in the best of moods)
Lister: C'mon, get by him, RUN!!!
(To the Cat's dismay, he is forced to leave his precious preening device
behind in order to make a quick getaway.  He takes one final look at
himself and stands paralyzed for a moment by his own beauty.)
(Mulder, Scully, Mulder2, Scully2, and Ace leap over the fallen form of
the Hunter and out into the corridor)
Kryten: Mr. Lister, we haven't much time!
(Lister tugs at the Cat's arm)
Lister (to Kryten): You gotta help me, man!!
(The emohawk transforms into a canary and flies out of the room.  It
perches on Scully's shoulder)
(The Hunter stirs)
(Lister and Kryten manage to wrench Cat free from the hypnosis of the
mirror. Kryten lumbers around the Hunter and Cat somersaults over the
adversary with stunning grace.  Lister backs up to get a running start
as the Hunter struggles to his feet)
Lister: Oh smeg.
(He looks past the Hunter and sees Scully, along with the perched emohawk,
being forcibly pushed away from the room by Mulder and Ace.  The Cat and
Mulder2 are nowhere to be seen.  Kryten frowns and shrugs, then follows
the retreating party, his self-preservation chip overriding his insanity
chip)
(The Hunter faces Lister, fully regenerated)

(Back in the shuttle bay)
Cat (to Ace): And you scoffed at my necessity.  Seven years bad luck.
Huh, try seventy small laser wounds.
Ace: I stand corrected, old chum.  That was a brilliant scheme.
Cat: What a guy.
Scully (looking around): My God, Dave!  Where is he?
Ace: Could it be?  Is this the perfect time to attempt a daring and
foolhardy rescue of the last human?
Lister (from the doorway of the Hunter's shuttle): I'm right here.
C'mon, this craft's even more upgraded than the future Starbug.
Ace: Damn.  Good to see you, Skipper!
Kryten: But, sir, how did you manage to escape?
Lister: No time for that, Kryten, let's move!!
Kry
ten: Er, yes, everyone aboard, there's no time to lose.  The Hunter is
probably right behind us.  I'll just pop into Starbug and retrieve Holly's
disk.(Everyone clambers aboard the shuttle and a bright red ball bounces
down the ramp as the door closes.  The shuttle begins powering up and
the ball rolls out of the shuttle bay, then transforms into a cougar
which charges down the hallways of the space station)

(A low roar is heard by Lister as the Hunter begins to approach him)
Lister (looking out the door): Hey, man, did you hear that?
Hunter: Surely you don't take me for a fool, Mr. Lister?  (He levels his
laser at Lister and slowly begins to pull the trigger)
Lister (listening carefully): It sounds like a....(his voice trails off
and his eyes widen)
(The cougar pounds into the room and hits the Hunter with its full force.
The laser fires as the Hunter is knocked into the wall.  Lister cries
out as a hot beam of light rips into his shoulder.  He falls to his
knees and is immediately pulled to his feet by himself.  He smiles into
the handsomesed face he knows and then blacks out)

(Waking, Lister, carried clumsily by his doppleganger, finds himself back
at the shuttle bay.  The foreign craft is gone and the bay has been
repressurized.  He grunts and is placed on his feet.  The two race for
Starbug and climb up the stairs to the doorway.)
Lister2 (looking over his shoulder): He's coming.
Lister: Yeah, get in, I have an idea.
(They scramble into the shuttle and head for the cockpit.  They power
up the shuttle)
Lister2: So what's this cunning plan you've come up with?
Lister: As soon as that maniac steps into the bay we're gonna shut that
door behind him.  Holly!
Lister2: And how do you expect to pull that off? And what good will it do?
Lister (punching at the controls): I'm trying to establish a link with
the main computer.  Holly!  (he waits)
Lister2: Oh, Kryten took her disk before they left.
Lister: SMEG!!!
Lister2: Didn't Holly say that the main computer was fried?
Lister: Let's hope it was just the AI unit and not the general controls.
After all, we've still got life support.  (He punches some more blinking
buttons)  That should do it.
(They watch in silence as the Hunter's shadow appears in the doorway.
He approaches with caution)
Lister2: Can't we just take off, man?
Lister: No.
(Hunter steps into the bay and whirls as the door moves behind him)
Lister2: Shut it!!
Lister: I'm tryin'!!!
(The Hunter turns away from the door and starts moving towards Starbug.
Ever so slowly the door he entered through slides shut and is sealed)
Lister2: Now can we go?
Lister: Eh, as soon as I get these doors open
Lister2: Now, right this minute, immediately!!!
(The doors begin to open and the Hunter's eyes widen as the air begins
to be sucked out into deep space.  He grabs onto the sealed door, but
his grip slips and he succumbs to the vacuum.)
Lister and Lister2:  Yeeeeeeessssssssss!!!!!!
(Starbug glides out of the hanger and they quickly find the trail of
the other shuttle)
(The emohawk morphs back into a puppy and curls up on a pillow Lister
had placed in the corner.  Lister goes over to it and pats its head.)
Lister: Thanks, girl.
(The emohawk emits a soft purr)
(Lister winces as he remembers his shoulder wound.  He returns to the
console and does a short range scan, hoping to locate the Hunter's shuttle)
Lister:  Hey, Danny, they're heading back to the station.  Guess they
realized they were one float short of a parade.
(Ace's face appears on the monitor)
Rimmer: Davey boy!  Thought we'd lost you there.
Scully (forcibly shoving Ace out of the way): Dave?  Are you ok?
Ace (from off screen): Well, that filly's full of spunk.
Lister: Well, I'm still alive, but I could use some TLC.  (He pushes some
buttons on the control panel and Scully is beamed over to Starbug)
Hello, gorgeous.
Scully (smiling): What have you done to yourself now?
(She retrieves a firstaid kit from the wall and rips away the fabric
of Lister's shirt which conceals his wound.  She begins cleaning it)
Mulder (appearing on the monitor): What happened back there?  We thought
you were with us.
Cat (from off screen): Yeah, you know I'd have never let them take off
without you, bud.
Lister: Yeah, right.  Actually it was the emohawk you must've seen.
Guess she knew you were in danger if you stayed.
Mulder: What happened to the Hunter?
Lister: He got sucked out into space.  Yo, can he still survive?  (he
jerks his arm and looks at Scully) Ow, hey that stings!
Scully: Stop whining.
Mulder: We don't know what he's capable of.
Kryten: Excuse me sir, may I speak with him?  (Mulder steps aside and
Kryten appears)  I'm glad to see you're still in one piece, Mr. Lister.
Lister: Yeah, I can tell from the way you deserted me, man.
Kryten (sobbing): Sir, I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Lister: Forget it.  Put one of the future guests on.
(Kryten steps aside and is replaced by Scully2)
Lister: So, what now?
(She turns to Mulder2 who's off screen and confers with him)
Scully2 (facing Lister): We don't know.
Lister (slamming his fist on the controls): Why the smeg not?
(He waits for a response.  Scully looks up from cleaning his wound when
there is no reply.)
(They look out into space.  There is a Kinitawowi ship and a large Red
mining vessel filling the view screen)
Scully: Where are we?
Lister: I'm guessing that we are wherever your future self came from.
Scully: What's that light mean?
Lister (looks at the light): Incoming message.  I'll just put it on audio;
we don't want them seeing us.
Kryten's voice fills the cabin: I take it your mission was a success?
(Scully and Lister exchange panicked looks)
Scully: Turn it off.  (Lister nods and flips a switch to break the
connection) Who does he think we are?
Lister: Probably the future you and Mulder.
Scully: So we're even in a different dimension?
Lister: That's what they were claiming.  What the smeg is Kryten doing
involved in this?  Look, you'll have to talk to him, I'm not supposed
to be here.
(Lister takes the emohawk and crouches behind the door, out of sight.)
Lister: Ok, all set.
Voice: I just have one question.
Lister: Smeg, not now.
Scully: Just let him ask.
Lister: Just when I thought it was safe to get stuck in a parallel universe.
Voice: Would anyone care for some toast?  It can help calm the nerves
in a stressful situation, such as this.
(Lister emerges from his hiding place.)
Lister: You know, you weren't with the future pilots of Starbug.  No
one would miss you if I were to, say, cram you in the waste disposal unit.
Scully: Just get him out of here.
(The toaster's speakers are quickly covered with adhesive tape and gauze
from the first aid kit.  Lister returns to his hiding place with his hostage)
(Scully reopens the connection and begins conversing with Kryten)
 

Chapter 9
  Previous  next

Scully (to Kryten): Ummmmm....we're here Kryten.
(Kryten's image pops up on screen)
Kryten: You've done well Agent Scully. It seems...
(Screen fills with static. Kryten's voice fades away)
Scully (to Lister): Dave...something's wrong.
(Lister emerges from hiding space. He sets down gagged toaster.)
Lister: Try contacting the shuttle with everyone else on it.
(Scully fiddles with some buttons, and the Kryten from the present
appears on screen speaking through static)
Kryten: Mr. Lister sir, Holly calculates that on the way back from the
space station, we all went through some...(static)...of inter-dimensional
instability. According to Holly....(static)...are presently shifting from
dimension to dimension. She...(static) it should end soon. We will
attempt...(static)...beam...(static)...to the shuttle.
(The picture slowly begins to fade. Lister pushes a button and the screen
shows the shuttle fading out of view)
Lister: Where the smeg are you going?? Kryten, don't...I repeat DON'T
beam us over!! You are disappearing from view! (Pushes button, and Kryten
appears on screen)
Kryten (almost invisible in the static): Our sensors show that you are
disappearing too, Sir. We seem to be getting pulled into different
dimensions...(static)...get you out somehow...(static)...
Lister (watching all the ships slowly disappear): Oh smeg.
(The faint image of Ace Rimmer appears on the screen)
Ace Rimmer: Don't wor...(static)...vey-boy, I'll get you and that
pretty lady...(static)...of this mess, or my name isn't Ace Rim...
(screen darkens, and gradually shows a field of stars, in which they see
another Starbug)
Scully: Well....maybe....this is a better parallel dimension.
Lister: That would be a first. Hang on...the other Starbug is calling
us.
Scully: Just remember to think positive. Maybe things are quite normal
in this dimension.
Lister (smiling): Ok. I'll think positive. (pushes a button, and The
Cat's image appears on screen) You're right Dana! Things look normal here.
Scully: I told you they would.
Lister (to Cat): Ummm....this may sound and look confusing. Maybe you'd
better put Kryten on.
Cat (in Kryten's voice): I am Kryten, sir. And may I ask what the smeg
is going  on??
Scully (to Lister): Ok...maybe I was wrong.
Lister (To Cat) What do you mean you're Kryten??? You're the Cat.
(The image of The Cat is pushed aside by the image of Kryten)
Kryten (in the Cat's voice): Hey man....I'm the Cat! I don't know where
you're from, but it must be someplace with great taste if they heard of
me! (The image of the Cat pushes Kryten's image aside)
The Cat: Excuse me, Mr. Ri.....ummmm......sir. Maybe you'd better beam
over here.
Lister: I guess I'd better. I'm on my way over
Cat....err...Kryten....whoever.
(shuts off monitor) I have a bad feeling about this.
Scully: I'm coming with you.
(Lister picks up Danny and puts her in his jacket. She purrs.)
Lister: Ok...here we go. (presses button on console. Lister, Scully, and
the emohawk reappear on the other Starbug. Standing around them are The
Cat, Kryten, Rimmer, and Lister)
Lister: Ummmmm....hello.
The Cat (in Kryten's voice): I don't believe it. He must be from a
parallel universe.
Kryten (in Cat's voice, shining his head with a cloth): Yeah...by the
looks of his clothes, it's quite a primitive one, too.
Rimmer (in Lister's voice): What is wrong with his voice, though??
Lister (Looking at Lister 2): Oh no.....no no no! If he (points at Rimmer)
is me in this universe then...(looks at Lister 2)...oh smeg.
Lister2 (smiling): Arnold J. Rimmer at your service, you handsome devil.
Cat (In Kryten's voice): It appears that you have Lister's voice in
Rimmer's body...
Lister: This is NOT, I repeat NOT Rimmer's body!! Where I come from,
this is MY body!! I wouldn't touch Rimmer's body for all the vindaloos
in India!
Lister2 (In Rimmer's voice): Calm down, m'laddo. (Leering at Scully).
Hmmm...there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with YOUR body...
(Lister takes Scully into his arms)
Lister (to Lister2): You touch her gimboid, and I'll knee you so hard that
whatever voice you talk with, it's going to be 10 octaves higher!!!
Lister2 (In Rimmer's voice, grinning): You can't "knee" a hologram.
Rimmer (In Lister's voice): Ok Rimmer....shut your gob. What are we
going to do with these two?
Lister: Good question. Maybe Holly can help.
Rimmer (In Lister's voice): Holly? Who is Holly??
Lister: Don't you have a computer or something that runs your ship???
Rimmer (In Lister's voice, nervous): The Provider runs our ship. The
Provider takes care of us and watches over us.
Lister: Who the smeg is the Provider???
Rimmer (in Lister's voice): The Provider is our leader. He has requested
to see you. (points to Cat) Kryten, come with us.
(The four of them leave the room, Lister petting Danny who is sleeping
inside his jacket. Lister2 and Kryten stay behind, whispering. The four
of them walk down a corridor and Rimmer stops before a door. He slowly
opens it.
They walk into the room, which is decorated in gold. At the far end of the
room there is a huge throne. They walk towards it)
Scully (Looking at the throne): Oh my God. That...that's the Provider??
Lister (Looking at the throne): No...it can't be.....
Toaster (On throne, in deep voice): I AM THE PROVIDER!!! BOW AND
WORSHIP ME, VERMIN!!!!
Rimmer (In Lister's voice, bowing): These are the two that were in the other
Starbug, your Highness.
Toaster: WHAT BRINGS YOU TO US??? YOU ARE SHAPE-SHIFTING SPIES!!!
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? AND MOST IMPORTANTLY.....
would you like some toast?
Lister: No, you irritating little tin junkheap!!! Take your toast and
cram it up your...(Scully looks at Lister with wide eyes and tugs on his
sleeve)... ooops. (Rimmer and Cat look up with their jaws hanging open.)
Toaster (Smoke pouring out of toast slots): WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAT DID YOU SAY???
I AM THE PROVIDER!!! NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT TO THE PROVIDER!!!
(the doors open and Lister2 and Kryten walk in. Kryten is looking at himself
in a small hand mirror, and has the other hand behind his back. They bow
as they approach the throne.)
Lister2 (in Rimmer's voice, bowing): I am sorry to bother you, great
Provider. I would not have come unless it was a matter of great importance.
I know how...
Toaster: GET ON WITH IT, SLUG!!!
Lister2 (In Rimmer's voice): I felt that these two were up to no good, so
the Cat and I beamed to their ship, and we found a most disturbing sight. I
am sorry that you have to witness this, your majesty.
(Kryten slowly takes his hand from behind his back to reveal the taped and
gagged Toaster.)
Toaster(Provider): WH...WH....WH....WHAT IS THIS??? A FELLOW PROVIDER??
AND YOU TORTURE IT LIKE THIS???? YOU WILL PAY! REMOVE ITS BONDS,
YOU HERETIC!!!
(Kryten throws the grumbling toaster to Lister. Lister slowly unwraps
enough tape so the toaster can speak)
Toaster (to the Providor, cheerfully): Hello. Would you like some toast?
The Provider: I AM THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO OFFER TOAST! MY GOD...
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?
Toaster: Well, they knock me around quite a bit, but it's nothing a
crumpet wouldn't cure!!
The Provider: SILENCE! THEY HAVE BRAINWASHED YOU!! YOU MUST
PARTAKE OF MY TOAST AND BE HEALED.
Toaster: Must you yell so loud?
The Provider: I AM THE PROVIDER!!
Toaster: Actually, you are an annoying git. Cram your toast up your bum!!!
The Provider (billowing smoke): WHHHHHATTTTT?? YOU WILL ALL PAY!
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS......KILL THEM!!!!
(Rimmer, Kryten, and Cat pull out small laser guns)
Scully: Dave....do something!!!
(Lister drops the toaster to his side, swinging it out with the unrolled
tape. He swings the toaster in an arc over is head, bringing it down on
Rimmer's head, who falls to the ground. He swings it around again at
Kryten, knocking him to the ground. The Cat aims the laser gun at Scully.
The Cat (In Kryten's voice): Eat laser beam, bimbo!
(Lister swings around, pulling the toaster with him. He swings the toaster
around, knocking the gun out of Cat's hand.
The Cat (In Kryten's voice): You forget....I'm an android.
Lister: I didn't forget....I was just saving the home-run hit for last.
(Lister swings the toaster around his head twice, pulling it forward with
all his strength. The toaster connects with The Cat's head, which is
knocked off of his body)
Toaster (Joyfully) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Put some jelly on that, you
souped-up can-opener!!!
Scully: Dave....they're coming to...we have to get out of here!!!
(Lister2 is shouting at the others to wake up. The Cat's body is stumbling
around and looking for it's head. Rimmer and Kryten slowly get up)
The Provider: GET THEM!! KILL THEM!!
Lister: Let's get the smeg out of here.
(Lister, carrying the whooping Toaster, and Scully run out of the room,
and head back for the cockpit of Starbug)
Scully: How do we get back?
Lister: Those two smegheads just beamed over to our Starbug. Maybe their
transporter is still set for it. It looks like our control pad.
(the sound of running is heard outside the cockpit door)
Scully: They're coming!
Lister: Here goes.
(Lister presses a button, and they soon reappear on the other Starbug. He
sets the toaster down as he and Scully jump into the seats. After Lister
presses a few buttons, Starbug starts to speed away)
Lister: Whew. That was close.
Toaster: I can't believe the audacity of that "Provider" fellow!! Nobody
can offer toast but him. Indeed.
Scully (Patting Toaster): You did good.
Lister: Yeah....maybe I'll even have some toast once we get back to Red
Dwarf.
Toaster: Really?
Lister: Of course not.
Toaster: Hmph.
Scully: How exactly are we going to get back to Red Dwarf, seeing how it
is in another dimension and all??
Lister: I'm still thinking about that one.
(The ship shudders from an explosion. Lister puts the view behind the ship
on screen, and the other Starbug comes into view)
Scully: Uh-oh.
Lister: Hang on.
(Another explosion rocks the ship, and the engines start to slow down)
Lister: Oh smeg....they hit the engines!!!
(The ship slows to a stop. The other Starbug creeps into view in front of
it.)
Scully: They're getting us in their sights!!!!
Lister: There's nothing we can do. I wish Holly was here.
(Lister opens a compartment and rummages through disks. He eventually
brings one out)
Scully: What is that?
Lister: I don't know. It's the only disk that's marked. All it has on it
are the letters "B.T.L-V.N."
Scully: Is Holly on it?
Lister: I don't think so.
(The other Starbug fires. Lister and Scully are thrown to the floor. Danny
yelps awake in Lister's jacket. Scully lands on the toaster. They both get
back into their seats, Scully with the toaster on her lap. The cockpit is
hissing from air escaping through the cracks into space from the last blast.
Several consoles are on fire.)
Lister: We can't take another blast. (Looking at Scully). I'm sorry for
getting you into this, Dana.
Scully (weakly smiling): It's ok Dave. I've seen more things in these last
few hours than I ever dreamed of. I'm glad I was with you.
(Lister and Scully smile at each other)
Scully: They have us in their sights again.
Lister: No......it can't end like this. There has to be something.....
(picks up the disk and puts it into the drive).
(A laser beam leaves the other Starbug, headed for the cockpit. The computer
whirs as the disk is read).
Scully: Goodbye Dave. Thank you.
(The beam hits the cockpit, and the computer bursts into flames. The monitor
sends out blue streams of electricity which engulf Lister, Scully, Danny,
and the Toaster)
(Suddenly, the sound of flames and hissing air are gone, replaced by chirping
birds and a soft wind. Lister slowly opens his eyes, and he sees that he has
his head in the lap of a pretty woman wearing a white dress.
Woman: Did you have a nice sleep dear?
Lister: Wha?
Woman: You were sleeping.
Lister: Where am I??
Woman: The same place we were when you fell asleep, silly.
Lister: The last thing I remember is putting in some disk that had B.T.L-V.N.
written on it.
Woman: Shhhhhh. We don't want him to find us.
Lister (Confused) Wha?? Who?? Where am I?? B.T.L.-V.N.....B.T.L.-V.N....
(Lister's eyes widen as he remember what the letters stand for)
Lister (sitting up and saying loudly): It stands for "Better Than Life -
Virtual Novel"!!!
Woman: Shhhhhhhh!
Lister: But how can that be, unless when the computer blew up, it somehow
pulled us into it. But how can I still be alive?? And where is Dana??
Woman: SHHHHHHHH! Who is Dana? Is she someone that you met when you ran off?
Lister (voice rising): Ran off where?? Where the smeg am I?
(A man's figure begins approaching them)
Woman (scared) Now you've done it!!! Here comes Edgar!!!
Lister: Who is Edgar?? Where are we??
(The man approcahes slowly, looking at Lister. He pulls out a pistol)
Man: I told you to stay away from Catherine.
(He aims at Lister)
Man: Goodbye, Heathcliff.
 

Chapter 10
  Previous  next

Lister:  Smeggin' hell!  (He jumps up and dives out of the way of the
approaching bullet.)
Edgar: Stand where you are and accept the justice you have brought upon
yourself.  (he levels the pistol at Lister again)
Lister: No chance in hell, you fictional bastard!  (He takes off across the
field, heading for a grove of trees. He hears the pistol as it repeatedly
fires and can see the bullets hitting the trees he is heading for.  Finally
he dives into their shady cover)
Lister: Just my look.  (Starts dusting himself off)
(He hears a rustling in the underbrush and hides behind a tree.  A figure
appears and he tackles it with an aggressive cry)
Lister: AAAHHH!!! (they hit the grass) Ooof. (He pins the figure to the
ground)
Scully: Get offa me.
Lister: (smiling) Oh, sorry. (He doesn't move)
Scully: (laughing)  Dave!
(Lister jumps to his feet and extends his hand to her.  She accepts and he
helps her to her feet.)
Lister: Where the smeg are we now?
Scully: Wuthering Heights.
Lister: You wha'?
Scully: I heard you screaming at that woman that the disk was a virtual
novel.  She's Catherine and you are Heathcliff.  The novel is, therefore,
Wuthering Heights.
Lister: Ah.  So, are we dead?
Scully: I was just about to ask you that.
Lister: Well, the computer fizzed and then, and then.....
Scully: I think we should assume that we are alive.
Lister: Oh yeah?  Why?
Scully: Because this isn't a very rewarding afterlife.
Lister: True.
Scully: How do the games work?
Lister: They usually plug into your brain.  Make you think you're really
there.
Scully: What about our bodies?  If this is all mental, then how do we know
we're safe back in reality?
Lister: We don't.  In all probability we're floating around in space along
with the debris of Starbug with our minds wrapped up in this game.  Any
second our oxygen could run out and then.....game over.
Scully: Is there a way out?
Lister: (snaps his fingers) Good thinkin'.  Ok, picture an exit.  Do you
see it?
Scully: (points to a pink neon exit sign at the edge of the grove) There.
Lister: Let's go.