A Red Dwarf / X-Files Crossover
by Kurt Konecny and Cindy Marx

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Epilogue
 

Any comments? Mail me
 

 A word from the authors
 

This convoluted tale of space travelers and FBI agents
was written in the spirit of fun.  No harm was intended
and, to the best of the authors' knowledge, none was caused.
We assure you that any similarity between what you are
about to read and what you see when viewing either Red Dwarf
or the X-Files is purely coincidental.
Despite some blatant plagarism and the use of pretty much
every character that ever appeared in either show, this work
is entirely original....
well we're sure some part of the definition of "original" can
be applied to some part of the chronicle before you.
If not in this universe, well, there's an infinite number of
them out there.  An attempt was made to write while maintaining
the highest respect in regards to Rob Grant, Doug Naylor,
Chris Carter, their concepts, characters, and brilliant creations.
In fact, anyone else who feels they deserve respect at this point
can rest assured that he or she was also kept in mind while the
writing was progressing. Both authors greatly admire Red Dwarf
and the X-Files and it is our hope that the humor and drama
inherent in each program has found a channel through us to you
as the two cult favorites were mercilessly combined, mashed
together, and mutilated out of sheer boredom.
 Do not believe anything we write.  Look to the creators of the
programs for the truth.  It is out there.

The truth is out there
3,000,000 years out in deep space

Government cover ups
Sen-smegging-sational

The public must know
Black card situation

Trust no one
Have some toast

Conspiracy
A female aardvark

The Red Dwarf / X-Files Crossover

Prologue:
  Next

(Lister and Cat are sitting at a table in the sleeping quarters)
Cat: Do you have any threes?
Lister: Nope.  Go fish.
(Cat snatches up a card)
Lister: Any queens?
Cat: No way are you getting any queens from this kitty!
Lister: Cat, if you've got them, you have to give them to me.
Cat: Then I don't have them.
(Lister picks up a card)
Cat: Do you have any queens?
Lister: Nope.  Go fish.
Cat: Maybe it's just me, but this game has no end in sight.
Are we playing with the same deck?
Lister: Just go fish.
Cat: You know, I think I will.  After all, it's lunchtime!
(He whips out a mirror, checks his hair, and then produces a
small fishing rod.)
Cat: I'll go see if anything's biting in the pond in the botanical
gardens!
 YEEOW!
(Rimmer enters and steps aside so Cat can cruise by.)
Rimmer: Where's he off to in such a rush?
Lister: He's trying to catch some 3,000,000 year old fish.
Rimmer: Well, didn't know we had any of those left.  Say, up for
a game of Risk?
Lister: I think not.
Rimmer: Oh, come on!  You wouldn't join in for hammond organ night,
the least you can do is roll a few dice!
(Holly appears on the monitor)
Holly: Awooga!
Rimmer: Not again.
Lister: What is it, Hol?
Holly: What's what?
Lister: What's the awooga for?
Holly: Oh!  Right.....something's wrong.
Rimmer: This is going to take hours.
Lister: What's wrong?
(Kryten wanders in prepared to vacuum)
Holly: There's some kind of subspace distortion, I think.
I've never used this scanner before.  (looks off to the side)
It's blipping.
Kryten: Blipping?
Holly: Oh dear.  Now there's a red light that's started flashing.
Rimmer: Are you sure you're not watching the clothes spin in the
dryer again?
Lister: We're on our way.  Tell Cat to meet us in the drive room.
(He grabs his jacket and heads into the corridor followed by
Rimmer and Kryten)

(Scully is walking down the hallway of FBI headquarters to the
records department)
Mulder: Scully!
(She turns and smiles)
Scully: Mulder, hi.
Mulder: I just got a lead.  Come with
 me.
Scully: Where are we going?
Mulder: Some guy over on Fifth Street is supposed to have some
insight.
Scully: Insight into what?
(Mulder grabs her sleeve and she consents to join him.  They find
their way to the parking lot and get in Mulder's car.
He starts the engine.)
Scully (sighing): It must be Monday.
Mulder: Bad morning?
Scully: My toaster exploded.
Mulder: Really?  Flames and all?
Scully (nodding): And even worse, burnt toast.
Mulder: I can't abide burnt toast.
Scully (looking at Mulder's tie): Is that a new tie?
Mulder (grins): Yeah, you like it?
Scully: In a way.
Mulder: In what way?
Scully: In the way that if I say "no" you'd be offended.
So, yeah, I like it.
Mulder: Why do I bother?
Scully: You tell me.
Mulder: Hey, this thing doesn't have a passenger side airbag, so
you'd better behave.
Scully: Last time I checked it didn't have a driver's side airbag,
either.
Mulder: Oh.
Scully (looks out the window): So, what's this guy supposed to
know?
Mulder: What guy?  Oh, on Fifth Street.  Well, he's supposedly
been in contact with this sort of thing before.
Scully: Mulder, what sort of thing?  What is this about?
Mulder: We're here.
(Mulder parks the car and they climb the steps of an apartment
complex.
 They press the appropriately marked doorbell)
Voice (over intercom): Yup!
(The door buzzes and unlocks.  They enter and climb the stairs.
They knock on a door)
Voice: Coming!
Scully: Very trusting.
Mulder: Mmm.
(The door is opened and Scully and Mulder are ushered into the
apartment.
 They admire the various photographs on the walls as they pass.
Scully studies one carefully.)
Scully: Are you a photographer, Mister....
Mulder: Mister Lister, isn't it?
Bexley: Please, call me Bexley.  No, ma'am, I'm not a photographer.
But that's a really common photo.  It's the Jupiter rise.
Mulder: Was it taken by Hubble?
Bexley: No, it was a 35 mm, I think.
Scully: I can't quite place your accent....
Bexley: Neither can I, I'm afraid.
Mulder: Do you mind if we got down to business?
Bexley: Not at all.  I've been expecting you.  I suppose you'll
be wanting to know about the rift in the space time continuum.
Scully: The what?
Mulder: Could you explain that one?  I don't think my partner is
familiar with the terminology yet.
Bexley: Well, in the most simple terms, it's a magic door.
Only this magic's real.
Scully: Could you be a bit more specific?
Bexley: Excellent!  You've got comprehension skills.  Now then,
when you come in contact with one of these rifts it transports
you to another place and time.  It can be a bit unsettling till
you get used to it.
Mulder: You're that used to them?
Bexley: I'm used to quite a lot of things.  But these rifts can
be dangerous.
 Some of them are only one way.
Scully (skeptical): How many of them are there?
Bexley (shrugging): Who's to say, really.
Mulder: Do you know where one is?
Bexley: Sure I do.  But I've never gone through.  I don't know
where it goes or if I can get back.  And I like it here just fine.
Scully: Could you, ah, show us this....(to Mulder) What was it?
Mulder: Rift in the space time continuum.
Scully: Yeah that.  Can you show it to us?
Bexley: Sure.  Follow me.  It's in the basement.
(He leads the way out of the apartment.  Mulder grins as Scully
rolls her eyes.  They trail behind Bexley.)
Scully: Mulder, where did you find this guy?
Mulder: He's actually written some wonderful articles.
Scully: For what? Insanity Monthly?
Mulder: No, for leading scientific journals.  He's got all sorts
of theories and ground breaking ideas.  If only his hypotheses
could be tested!
Scully: Where are we going for lunch?
Mulder: You're not the slightest bit interested, are you?
Scully: In magic doors?  Please, Mulder, can we go look for
something sensible.  Maybe aliens again.
I'm getting used to them....
Mulder: Ten more minutes, ok?  Just humor me.
Scully: It's not in my job description, but it really should be.
(Bexley turns on the basement light and moves a filing cabinet
out of the way.  A faint green glow is visible)
Scully: Mulder, stay back!  We don't know if it's dangerous.
Mulder (moving closer): Oh, it's not.  Is it, Bexley?
Bexley: Nope.  Safe as safe can be.  Similar to a stasis leak,
but caused by different forces.
Mulder (sticks his arm through the wall): Incredible!
Scully: Mulder.....
(Mulder disappears)
Scully: Mulder!  What happened!?
Bexley: It looks like he's the curious type.  I suggest you watch
that first step, ma'am, it's nauseating.
Scully: There's some kind of trick to this, isn't there?
Bexley: No.  It's all too real.

(Cat slinks into the drive room with a plate of trout a la creme.
Lister raises his eyebrow inquisitively)
Cat: Ok, so the fish weren't biting!  But I still got me some
lunch.
Rimmer: Ok, Holly, where's the red blip?
Holly: I've lost it!
Rimmer: I cannot believe that those words actually surprised me.
Holly: Oi, there's something else now.  An orange light.  There,
on the panel.
Kryten: Why, that's the intruder alert.
Rimmer: ALIENS!
Lister: You must be joking.
Kryten: No, my joke mode was not engaged, Mr. Lister, sir.  Read
the label.
Lister (reading the label): "When orange light flashes, intruders
are present." Well, couldn't the skutters have gone crazy with
the label maker?
Holly: No, they've been on their best behavior ever since they
sealed Rimmer in that airlock.
Rimmer: I'm still not laughing about that.
Lister (picking up a nearby bazookoid): Hol, can you pinpoint the
location of the intruder?
Holly: You mean the intruders, plural.  There's more than one.
Rimmer: How many?
Holly: Two.
Lister: Where the smeg are they!!?
Holly: Two decks down and a bit to the left.
Lister: Your left or mine?
Holly: Um.....mine.

(Mulder stands in the middle of a corridor.  He can't decide if
it's been painted military gray or ocean gray, but he does decide
that he doesn't care.
 A machine rolls down the corridor carrying a plastic gun and
wearing feathers on what might be its head.  It is pursued by a
similar machine which is wearing a cowboy hat.  They turn into a
side corridor before they reach him.  He feels a hand on his
shoulder.)
Mulder: I surrender!!!
Scully: What are you talking about?  Where on earth are we?
Mulder: We're not on earth.
Scully: Mulder, this is not the time for jokes.  (She turns
around and sees a plain gray wall.  She touches it.) Hey, where's
the glowing green light?
Mulder: Uh oh.  One way magic door.
Scully: But a door to where?  This is totally ridiculous!
(Mulder presses a wall panel and a door slides open.  There is
a window revealing the blackness of space.)
Mulder: We're on a UFO.
Scully: We are not!
(They move back into the corridor and they hear footsteps.)
Mulder: Well, I think we're about to find out.
(Lister, Rimmer, and Cat round the corner)
Rimmer: There, there!
(Cat calmly finishes the remaining trout and disposes of the
plate)
Cat: I see 'em, bud.  And I think they see us.  Yes, look,
they have eyes, too.
Rimmer (depressed): Oh, so they're not aliens.
Lister: Right, let's get this sorted out.

Chapter 1
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Lister (holding bazookoid): Where the smeg did you come from??
Mulder (confused): I am from Earth. Who is your leader?
Lister: Leeeeeeder??
Rimmer: (steping forward) Ahhhhh, yes. I believe that I am the
man you're looking for. (He eyes Agent Scully)
Mulder: Where are we?
Lister: Oh, I'd say about thirty million years from wherever the
smeg you got that haircut.
Rimmer (getting closer to Scully): How do you feel about dead men?
Scully (pulling her gun): Mulder........
Mulder: I KNEW IT!! The truth IS out here!!!
Lister: Uhhhhh...yeah...if the truth means Suicide Squids, shape-
shifting vindaloos, and countless swirly time-thingys, then yeah,
I guess the truth is out here. Seems we're always runnin' into the
smeggin' truth.
Mulder: What is this "Smeg"? Is it your God?
Cat: No buddy, "Smeg" is that tie you're wearin'!! I've seen
inbred one-cell life forms with better dress sense!
(Scully stifles a laugh)
Holly: Gordon Bennett!! Where did those two come from?
Scully (looking at Holly): Amazing....Mulder, artificial
intelligence....
Holly (insulted) Artificial?? The only artificial thing here is
your hair color!
Kryten: (walking into the room) Greetings.
Mulder: (looking at Kryten) My God.....mankind has created robotic
life in the future. Think of it Scully...improved workers, improved
intelligence,(looking at Kryten's groin) wow...improved everything!
Kryten: Oh don't mind that sir....I was just doing some cleaning
(removes cleaning attachment).
Lister: If you don't mind...who are you?
Scully: We're FBI agents who investigate paranormal events, such
as UFOs, ghosts, government-created neurological toxins....
Cat (interrupting): Really?? Toxins? Would you two mind doing Lister's
laundry?  We sent a skutter to do it, but it threw itself out an airlock
after seeing what was in the bin.

Chapter two
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Lister (rolling his eyes at the cat and turning the bazookoid in his
direction):  You wanna keep out of this?
Cat: Just trying to make conversation.  Keep your pigtails on. (slinks
off down the corridor)
Lister: (Turning bazookoid back to Mulder and Scully) UFOs, didya
say?
Mulder: Yes, they fall into the categories of X-files.
Rimmer: What exactly are these "X-files?"
Toaster: The unexplainable.  (muttering) Use your loaf.
(Everyone glances at the toaster and goes on with their lives)
Mulder: (raises an eyebrow) How long did you say you've been out here?
(The Boyz huddle together for a moment)
Lister: (looking towards Mulder and Scully) Three million two hundred
and six years, more or less.
Scully: But that's impossible, you..
Rimmer: (sidling up to her) Is it reeeaaally?  Well, that's fascinating.
Why don't you join me for dinner and we can talk allllll about it.
(He opens his eyes wide and stares into hers)
Scully: (cocking the weapon) Mulder...
Mulder: (stepping between Scully and the Boyz) Three million years?
Kryten: Yes, sir. (He offers an abbreviated explanation of Lister
going into stasis, the accident, revival of Rimmer, evolution of Cat
race, and finding of Kryten)
Scully: And Holly was functioning the entire time?
(nods all around)
Holly: (reappears having heard her name) Oi, what is it now?
Mulder: Nevermind, really, we'll figure it out on our own.
(Holly's digitized face vanishes)
Lister: How did you guys get here anyway?
Scully: There was a rift in the, uh, a magic, um.......Mulder?
Mulder: Three million years, huh?
Rimmer: Yes, yes, yes.  Enough of this tot.  I want them off this ship.
 We don't know where they've been or what they're carrying.
Kryten: I've done a scan, sir, they're clear.
Rimmer: As much as I trust a scan performed by a vacuum cleaner with a
personality disorder, I must insist that they at least be quarantined the
requisite five days to be perfectly sure.
Scully: No, not another quarantine! (turns desperately to Mulder who
has the same panicked look in his eyes)
Kryten: Don't worry, ma'am.  It isn't necessary.  (Turns maliciously
towards Rimmer) Despite what the Smeeee Heeeee says. (smiles in triumph
and waddles down the corridor to prepare quarters for their guests)
Rimmer: (learing at Lister) Knock it off.
Lister: (Looks around, confused) Knock what off, man?
Rimmer: You heard! (Storms off)
Lister: (takes a deep breath and refocuses on the FBI agents) Ok,
I'll put down my weapon if you'll put down yours.
(Scully nods and slips the gun back into her holster)
Mulder: (approaches Lister) I suppose you've seen a lot of fascinating
things in the last three million two hundred and six years.
Lister: (slides the bazookoid over into the corner and shrugs) Nah.
Mulder: You must've seen something.  A UFO, aliens...
Lister: Oh, smeg.  You're starting to sound like Rimmer.  Anything odd
happens and it's Aliens.
Scully: (breaks into a big smile) I know exactly how you feel.
(She and Lister walk down the hall amiably chatting about the nonexistance
of aliens)
Mulder: Smegging hell.

Chapter 3
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Lister (Walking into Parrot's bar with Scully): ...And then Holly
blew up the squid.
Scully: My God...you guys have been through a lot.
Lister (sitting down at the table): Yeah...just being on the ship
with Rimmer all these years has been the smegs.
Scully (sitting): Rimmer...is that guy for real?
Lister (Laughing): Yeah he is. (looking at Scully) I've never told
anyone this before, and if you tell annnnybody I said this, I'll throw
myself off the ship...
Scully (smiling): What is it?
Lister: Rimmer is an arrogant, self-centered, sad, gimboidy git, but
I've come to rather like the guy.
Scully: (making a face) REALLY?
Lister: Well, it's like hemhorroids......after a while you get so used
to them, they become like family. (thinking) Errrrrrrrr...maybe that
was a bad analogy.
Scully: Rimmer...hemhorroids...nahhhhhhhh, that sounds right to me.
Lister (laughing, and standing up) Would you like something to drink?
Scully: Sure...what do you have?
Lister (looking at the stock behind the bar): Let's see...lager, lager,
lager,  lager, hey...there's some tea back here. I think it was Kochanski's
favorite.
Scully: Tea would be nice, thanks. Who was Kochanski?
Lister (making tea): Just someone I used to like. She was killed with
the rest of the crew.
Scully: I'm sorry.
Lister (bringing tea and lager to table): Don't be...I think i've
seen more of her since she died.
Scully (taking tea): Thank you Lister.
Lister (sitting down): Please, call me Dave.
Scully (smiling): Thank you...Dave. (looking at Lister, holding up
the tea for a toast) To the future.
Lister (looking at Scully and clinking her cup with his glass):
And the past.

Mulder (in Lister and Rimmer's quarters with Rimmer, Kryten, and Cat):
...And when we walked through, we were here on the ship.
Rimmer: And you say that you're from the 1990's?
Cat: Hey...were the 1990's a civilized time? I mean, would the women
have been attracted to me?
Mulder (looking at Cat's clothes): With that outfit, I bet that some
of the viruses we've run into wouldn't have been attracted to you.
Rimmer: You expect us to believe that you just popped up higgledy-piggledy
on the ship from 3 million years in the past?? I don't think so, m'laddo.
Mulder: I don't expect you to believe anything. All I want is to find
out why the hell we're here, and to get Agent Scully and myself back
home. Where is agent Scully, anyway?
Kryten: I believe I saw her with Mr. Lister in the bar.
Mulder: With Lister?? Maybe I better go check on them.
Kryten: You have nothing to worry about, sir. Mr Lister is a very
trustworthy and intelligent person. I have learned many things from him.
How to lie, for example...
Mulder (suspicious): How admirable. I think I'm going to check on her.
Rimmer (getting up): Not by yourself, you're not. I'm going with you.
How can we be sure you're not a polymorph??
Mulder: A polymorph?? Hey...I like women as much as the next guy.
Besides, you're not my type, Rimmer.
Cat: Goalpost-head isn't ANYONE'S type...except for maybe a certain
little cutie in cargo hold 5 who has a blow-valve sticking out of her back.
Holly (popping up on the monitor): Oi!! Sorry to interrupt your witty
banter, but I think there's something you should be aware of.
Rimmer: What is it?
Holly: I just did a scan....and actually the blow-valve is on her foot.
Rimmer: That's all you wanted to tell us?
Holly: Well...that and the fact that a ship is decloaking directly
ahead of us.
Kryten: What?? Put it on screen.
Rimmer, Cat, and Mulder (in unison, looking at the screen): Oh smeg...
 

Chapter 4
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(Lister and Scully are huddled over a small table in Parrot's)
Lister: So, are you and this Mulder character, eh, serious?
Scully: Serious? (laughs)  No, we're just partners.
Lister: That's what I was hoping. (sideways grin)
Scully (leaning closer): And why's that? (smirking)
(Just then Rimmer and Mulder come storming into the room.  They pause
in the doorway)
Rimmer: Thank God Holly was right.  There they are.
Mulder (looking twice): Uh, Scully?
Scully (standing, professional once more): Mulder, what's happened?
(Mulder eyes Lister and decides this is not the time to make an issue
of his advances)
Mulder (coughs and moves towards Scully): There's this -
Rimmer (hisses): Lisssssster.  (motions for him to join him on the
other side of the room)
Lister: Listen, Dana, I'll be right back.
Scully: Ok, Dave.  Mulder, what is it??
Mulder (blinks several times): Uh, there's this, uh.....
Lister (moves over to Rimmer) Hey, man, what's up?
Rimmer: Well, wouldn't you like to know, m'laddo?
Lister: Rimmer, you never come pulsing down the corridor unless its
urgent. So what's gone wrong now? Are the skutters rebelling?
Chicken soup nozzle clogged?
Rimmer: Oooooohhhh Listy.  Would that it were that simple, would that
it were. (rocking back and forth on his heels, smiling)
Lister: HOLLY!!
Holly (appearing on the wall): What.
Lister: WHAT THE SMEG IS GOING ON?
Holly: On where?
Lister (sits at a nearby table): What's all the hullabaloo?
Rimmer: There's a ship out there.
Lister: You wha'?
Rimmer (nodding): You've got it squire.
Holly: They decloaked a few minutes ago.  They're hailing us.
Lister: Well, answer them already!!
Rimmer: We would have if they wanted to talk to us.  However, they
want to speak with you and I asked for the pleasure of breaking the
news to you myself.
Lister: Who are they?
Rimmer: Ooooohhhh Listy.  Old old friends of the family.
Lister (standing): No.
Rimmer: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessss.
(Scully and Mulder move over to join the discussion)
Mulder: Is it aliens?
Scully (smacking him): Of course not.  (she grins and adds) Use your loaf.
Mulder (glaring at Scully): Then who is it?
Scully: Dave?  Care to fill us in?
Lister (lowers his head, scuffs his foot on the floor): It's, uh,
me in-laws.
(Holly shakes her head sadly and Rimmer turns away, stifling a guffaw)
Scully: What? You're married?  To who, Kochanski?
Lister: Nah, her name's Khhkhhhkhhkhkhkhhkhhkhh.  I think.
Mulder: What is she?
Lister: She's a GELF.
Scully: A genetically engineered life form?  Amazing.
Mulder: Not aliens?
Rimmer (with sympathy): Alas, no.
(Kryten and Cat enter with mournful expressions)
Kryten: Let me be the first to offer my condolences, sir.
Cat: And I'll offer to make you a suit for your funeral.
Lister: Yeah yeah.
Holly: They're hailing us again.
Lister (deep breath): On screen.
(Khhkhhkhkhkhkhh appears with her father, some other tribe members,
and an emohawk for good measure)
Kryten: Aaaah!! It's the emohawk!!!
Lister: Calm down, man, and translate.
Kryten: Yes, sir, sorry, sir.
(The Kinitawowi begin to address Lister.  Scully and Mulder watch with
eyes wide while Rimmer and Cat giggle in the corner.)
 

Chapter 5
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Kryten (To Lister): Sir...I've intergrated my translation mode into
Red Dwarf's communication relay.
Lister: And........
Kryten: That means that you can communicate with the Kinitawowi yourself.
Lister: Smeggin' great. (Rimmer and Cat guffaw...Mulder and Scullywatch with curiosity) Patch me through, Kryten.
Khhkh's Father (on monitor): At last we have found you, unwashed one.
Lister: Uhhh....you can call me Lister.
Khhkh's Father: SILENCE! (Rimmer and Cat continue to laugh silently).
What is your reason for leaving our daugther?
Lister: Well...I thought it would be better if.....your beautiful
daughter and I remained "friends".......DISTANT friends.
Khhkh's Father: That is unacceptable. You WILL return with us to our
world and you WILL mate with our daughter to advance the population.
Her anger has added to her energy. I hope you are built well enough
to withstand your postponed wedding night.
Lister (collapsing into chair): Smeggin' hell.
Rimmer (addressing Khhkh's Father and smirking) Don't you worry sir.
We'll put him on a vitamin and energy supplement right away. They
don't call him Dave "Jackhammer" Lister for nothing.
Lister: Rimmer....shut the smeg up....
Khhkh's Father: Ah yes.....you must be the annoying one known as "Rimmer."
 Well Rimmer, I suggest you write down his supplement plan, as you
won't be around to tell him.
Rimmer (no longer laughing) Wh...what do you mean by that?
Khhkh's Father: You, Rimmer, and the one with the shiny clothes known
as "Cat," and the droid known as Kryten have been sentenced to death
for the theft of an oxygen generation unit from our planet.
Cat: Uh-oh.
Khhkh's Father: We have brought someone who is quite capable of seeing
to it that your sentence is carried out. (picks up the Emohawk, who
starts shaking)
After the failure of the last Emohawk's mission, its sister here was...
how should I say....SEVERELY punished for her brother's failure.
(Emohawk is trembling harder, and a frightened whine is starting to
come from it).
SILENCE!! (raises hand to strike the Emohawk).
Lister (quickly): You touch her, matey, and I'll make sure that your
daughter takes a smegload of cold showers....
Rimmer (to Lister): Lister...what the hell are you doing?
Lister (To Rimmer): I'm not gonna stand here and watch him hurt that
thing.
Khhkh's Father (hesitates, and puts Emohawk down on floor. Emohawk
scurries away): Very well. As I was saying, I have someone here who
is looking forward to carrying out your death sentences. He is also
one of the reasons why you two are here, Agent Scully and Agent Mulder.
(Screen moves to show another Mulder)
Cat: Oh man....two of you?? Whenever there are two of somebody around
here, the smeg really hits the fan....
On-Screen Mulder (in different voice): Remember me, Agent Mulder....
Agent Scully?
Scully (to Mulder): My God, Mulder.....it's him.
Mulder: Oh smeg........
On-Screen Mulder: Glad to see you remember me. (begins changing shape,
ends in the shape of a tall, well-built man).
Rimmer (scared, to Mulder): Who the smeg is that?
Mulder: Several months ago, we came across a dozen clones that were
getting murdered across the United States. It turned out that they
were alien experiments, and an alien bounty-hunter that could change
his form was sent to kill them.
Lister: He can change his form?? Doesn't that make him....
Mulder: Perhaps one view would make him a highly advanced polymorph.
He can only be killed by piercing the  base of his skull, and his blood
is HIGHLY toxic. If any of his blood touches  you, you have minutes to live.
Kryten: Excuse me sir, but his blood wouldn't affect me.
Hunter: Yes it would, droid. That reminds me.....Agent Mulder, you
came in contact with my blood. How is it that you survived?
Mulder: Lots of Grandma Mulder's chicken noodle soup. What do you
want with us?
Hunter: Last time we met, I was hired to kill the clones. This time,
I'm hired to kill you and Agent Scully. Killing Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten
is just a bonus.
Rimmer: Holly....sorry to wake you up, but would you SMEGGIN' DO
SOMETHING?
Holly (blinking up on monitor) I'm working on it...don't soil your trousers.
 Ummmm....fellas....something is beaming aboard.....
Lister (picking up bazookoid): Get ready everyone.....
Khhkh's Father (appearing back on screen, talking to someone off screen):
What do you mean I just requested to be beamed off the ship???
(the transporter lights fade, and Khhkh's Father appears in the room,
and suddenly changes into the Emohawk.)
Rimmer (hiding behind chair): KILL IT LISTY!!!
Lister: Hang on...ev
eryone else put your guns away. (Mulder and Scully lower their guns)
(the Emohawk waddles up to Lister and nuzzles his leg, purring)
Lister: What the smeg?
Kryten: I think I understand, sir. You saved the Emohawk from a beating
a few minutes ago. There is an old android saying that, roughly translated
from the binary, says "When you pay someone a kindness, they will
remember it."
Cat: Yeah, and there's also an old Cat saying that goes "Any creature
with the power to turn me into Duane Dibbley should be blown to it's
shape-shifting hell!" (Emohawk trembles)
Rimmer: I agree...get rid of it.
Lister: Hang on....I kinda like the little fella. (pets Emohawk.
Emohawk purrs) My chum used to have a puppy named Danny. How do you
like that name, Danny? (Emohawk changes into the form of a puppy and
yelps happily).
Rimmer: Oh my smegging God. I don't belive this.
Cat: Way to go Listy!! First you charm the pants off of your wife,
Bigfoot's prom date, and now you have a pet. And a DOG at that. Is
there no end to your charm?
Scully: I think his charm ends there (pointing at screen).
Khhkh's Father (VERY angry): Send the Emohawk back, and I will see
to it that your friends enjoy a "quick" death.
Lister (looking at Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten, and thinking) Nahhhhhhh.
(gives the screen a two-fingered salute) I think I'll keep her.
Mulder (smiling): I would have done the same.
Khhkh's Father: Very well. (turns) You know your job. (screen shifts
to show the bounty-hunter, and Khhkh's Father's voice is heard) I
want Lister and my Emohawk on this ship, and I want the rest to die. Slowly.
Hunter (grinning): It will be my pleasure.
Holly: Oi!! We have laser fire coming across...
(Red Dwarf is rocked by a blast from the Kinitawowi ship)
 

Chapter 6
   Previous  Next

Lister: Holly!!  Shields up!!
Holly: They are up.  Do you think I'd let a detail like that get past
me?
Kryten: May I remind you both that Red Dwarf does not have defensive
shields.
Holly: Oh.
Lister: Ah.
Rimmer: Evasive action!!
Kryten: May I remind you that Red Dwarf is the size of a small city and
anything evasive requires speed and navigability.  We have neither at
the moment.
Rimmer: Hmm.
Cat: Fire up the lasers!
Kryten: An excellent suggestion sir, with two minor drawbacks.  First -
Mulder: Well what *can* we do?
Kryten (pauses): I don't know.
Rimmer: Erm, did I hear the word "alien?"
Scully (sighing): Well, that's what *some* people call him.  The odds
of him being a polymorph with time traveling capabilities are slightly
more favorable.
Mulder: Then how do you explain...
Lister: Time out.  This isn't helping.  Who the smeg cares *what* is in
that ship.  The point is that it wants us dead.  Now, we need to figure
out how we can defend ourselves.  Kryten?
Kryten (stammering): I, you, me, well, perhaps -
Rimmer: Oh for smeg's sake.  I say agent Mulder and I team up and try
to find a solution while Listy tries to placate his in-laws.
Kryten: Perhaps agent Scully and the Cat should accompany you.  Mr.
Lister and I shall try to keep communications on a civil level.
Cat: Great.  Just great.
(Lister holds out his hand and Scully squeezes it as she walks by.  She,
Mulder, Rimmer, and Cat walk out of Parrot's, heading for a place to
think in peace)
Lister: Ok, Kryten, open the channel again.
Kryten: It's done, sir.
Lister: Ok, listen up.  There is no need to send the shape-shifting
psycho aboard.
Khhkh's Father (appearing on the screen): Is that so?
Lister (glancing at Kryten with a worried look): Yeah.  I'll agree to
come over to your ship of my own free will in 24 hours.  I need time
to, eh, get my affairs in order.  I'll bring the emohawk with me.
Once we're safely off the ship, you can turn your psycho loose and do
away with those you came to kill.  This way there's no danger of
accidentally vaporizing your son-in-law. Savvy?
Khhkh's Father: So, you think that I'll take the word of an unwashed
human who has humiliated my family?
Lister: Look, eh, dad, your ship is greatly superior to ours.  We haven't
got a chance at escaping.
Khhkh's Father: True.  Very well.  You may have your precious 24 hours.
 That will give my daughter time to prepare the wedding bed.  (His image
blinks off the screen)
Kryten (aghast):  Well, thank you oh so very much, sir!!!
Lister: Look, we've got 24 hours, let's not waste it placing blame.
We've gotta find a way out of this.  (He pets the emohawk distractedly)

(The other crew members walk down a corridor in the direction of the
science stations.  Mulder turns to Scully and begins speaking in a low
voice so that Rimmer and Cat can't follow their conversation)
Mulder (confidentially): Hey Scully, what's going on with you and this
Dave character?
Scully: What do you mean?
Mulder (faltering): Well, I just don't want you to get hurt.
Scully (skeptical): What is this really about?
Mulder (defensively): It's just that I want to make sure you're doing
your job.
Scully (whispering fiercly): My job?  We're three million years out in
deep space!  What, pray tell, is the standard operating procedure for
this situation?
Mulder: Look, just try to be a bit professional, ok? I don't want you
distracted now that push has come to shove.  Let's not turn against each
other.  That's probably what they want.
Scully: What who wants?  Mulder, there is no scheme aboard this ship to
show you up or to discredit you.  Why do you have such a hang up when
it comes to trusting people?
Mulder: Well, it all goes back to my parents.  I -
Scully: Honestly, Mulder.  You sound more and more like Rimmer every minute.

Mulder: Quiet! (glances back at Rimmer and Cat who are wrapped up in their
own conversation.  Then he adds, almost fondly) You know, he had the same
nickname at school that I did.
Scully: What was that?  Bonehead?
(Mulder stops, closes his eyes, and rubs the bridge of his nose)
Mulder: No.  No, it wasn't Bonehead.  Just forget it, ok?  (He whips out
his sunglasses and slides them into place.  Then he wheels around and
strides down the corridor away from Scully)
(Scully throws her hands up into the air with exasperation then marches
down the corridor in the opposite direction)

(Cat skulked out of the drive room behind Rimmer and watched as he mimicked
Mulder's walk.)
Cat: You know, you're way off.
Rimmer (hissing): What are you blathering on about?
Cat: His walk.
Rimmer (embarrassed): I, was, uh...
Cat: You gotta square your shoulders more, and do like this. (Cat starts
mimicking Mulder)
Rimmer: Cut that out!
Cat: Just trying to help.  You know, he's more open to criticism than
you are.
Rimmer (annoyed): What?
Cat: Notice he's not wearing that tie anymore.  He figured out what smeg
was and stopped wearing it.
Rimmer: I'm sure that your little feline opinion had no influence on his
dress sense whatsoever.
(They stop as they notice that Mulder and Scully have also stopped.
They watch as Mulder storms off one way and Scully heads in the other
direction.
 Rimmer rushes off after Mulder and Cat slinks after Scully)

Holly (appearing on monitors throughout Red Dwarf): Attention! Awooga!
(She waits for a response and gets a few half-hearted "what is it now"s.)
Holly: Blimey, just forgot.  'Ang on a mo...........Ah, yes.  Lister was
able to buy us 24 hours to work on our little prob.  Don't ask how,
just accept it.

Cat (rushing after Scully): Hey pretty lady!! Where you off to in such
a rush?
Scully: I thought that maybe I could find some information in the ship's
library.  Then I was going to go to the sickbay and round up some medical
supplies we might need later.
Cat: I'll show you where it's at.
Scully: I'm pretty sure I can find it on my own.
Cat: I usually don't go out of my way to help people.  Heck, I never go
out of my way to help people.  It's time for my third nap of the afternoon.
Scully: I really don't mean to be an inconvenience. I'm sure I could
find it if you just pointed me in the right direction.
Cat: No, I couldn't do that.  I've gotta take you there myself.  I've
never gone out of my way to help anyone before because there wasn't
anyone around worth helping.
Scully (smiling): That's sweet of you to say.
Cat: I know, I'm a sweet guy.  I also hold the post of best looking guy
on this ship.
Scully (smiling): Congratulations.
Cat (toothy grin): Heh heh heh.  What can I say? (spins around so she
can get the full picture)
(Scully applauds softly)
Cat: Hey, you know something? You look fantastic in that outfit, but I
could add some shoulder pads, some sequins...Hey, I could make you a
whole new wardrobe if you like.
Scully (tempted): You could? I had no idea you were that talented.
Cat (suddenly stopping): You're not going to suck out my vanity, are you?
Scully: Uh, no, I hadn't planned on it.
Cat (smiling and slinking down the corridor once more): Good.  The
first woman I ever met, Genny was her name, well we didn't see eye to eye.
She was really an eight foot tall genetic monster who fed on emotions.
Broke my heart.
Scully: I'm sorry to hear that.
Cat: Actually, she was probably related to this emohawk.  I'd stay
away from it if I were you.
Scully: I'll keep that in mind.
Cat (stops again and faces her): You're not going to change shapes and
alter our perceptions of you, are you?
Scully (shaking her head): Sorry, what you see is what you get.
Cat (grinning and slinking): Good.  Well, actually that was a silly
question because if you were a pleasure GELF you would have looked like
me.
Scully: Why's that?
Cat: Remember that vanity we discussed earlier?

(Rimmer caught up with Mulder and they'd proceeded to Rimmer and Lister's
quarters.  They were no longer in a rush, figuring they had a full 24
hours to sort out this mess)
Mulder: You know, Lister can be a really bad influence.
Rimmer (playing checkers with a skutter, slightly distracted): Yes, of
course I know.  I've been living with him for three million odd years.
It's because of him I never passed my astro navigation exam.
Mulder: Is that so?
Rimmer (nods): (casually) It's his fault I'm dead, too.
Mulder: Wow, how can you stand the guy?
Rimmer: Well, he just kind of grows on you.  His chirpy optimism has
gotten us through more than one scrape, let me tell you.
Mulder: Yeah, but it takes more than a positive outlook to survive.
Rimmer (contemplating the skutter's move): No, not really.
Mulder: But Lister's totally undisciplined.  You're his superior officer,
can't you get him in line?
Rimmer: Of course not. (Moves one of his checkers and watches as Pinky
proceeds to hop one of his red pieces over four of Rimmer's black pieces
and land in front of him, ready to be kinged) Damn. (Looks up at Mulder
for the first time and stands to face him)  You see, Lister operates on
a totally different level from the rest of us.  He has his plan.  All
he wants to do is get back to Earth and live happily ever after with
Kristine Kochanski.
However, given the fact that the Earth probably no longer exists, coupled
with the fact that his girl is deceased - well, it can be pretty depressing.
To a normal bloke, that is.  Lister is not normal in the way that we think
normal people are normal.  He still believes that somehow his dream will
come true.  Sometimes - and this is really on those rare occasions, and
I'm usually quite drunk at the time - sometimes I *almost* admire the guy.
Huh. He's really had a lot of bad luck, but he's never let it get to him.
 (Rimmer takes a step backwards and "inadvertently" tips over the
checker board) Oh dear. (He turns and smiles broadly at Pinky) Looks like
it's a draw, matey.  Back to work.  (He turns back to Mulder as Pinky
raises his two mechanical fingers in an obscene salute)
Mulder: That's some story.  I guess I thought the two of you were just
about ready to rip each other's hearts out.
Rimmer (shrugs):We are.

(Lister sits in the drive room waiting for Kryten to finish adding the
milk to his tea.  He tugs on his locks and pets the emohawk who is still
in the form of a puppy)
Kryten: Here you go, Mr. Lister, sir.
Lister: Thanks Kryten.  (takes a sip and licks his lips)
Kryten: Anything else I can do for you, sir?
Lister: You could distract me for a minute.  I'm feeling kind of under
a lot of pressure.
Kryten (finding the opening he desired):  Very well.  Conversation mode, on.
I've, uh, noticed that you've been spending a lot of time with that woman.
Lister (grinning): Who, Dana?
Kryten: I think you know of whom I speak.
Lister (nodding): She's pretty great.
Kryten: I caught her down at the ship's laundromat earlier.  She was
(he looks out the door then speaks confidentially) washing her clothes.
Lister (incredulous): Get out ah town.
Kryten: Honest, sir.  I'm telling you, she's one in, er, five.
Lister: Oh, ha ha.
Kryten: (confidentially, again) Sir, I think you should know that her
companion bears a frightening resemblance to Mr. Rimmer.
Lister: Yeah, I know.
Kryten: No, sir, you don't.  I was giving his quarters a quick go over
this morning and I noticed his closet door was open.  (Kryten checks over
his shoulder again) As I was closing it I noticed something quite disturbing.
Lister (leaning closer): Go on.
Kryten: He keeps his underpants on coat hangers.
(All of Lister's problems melted away as he started laughing hysterically
at Mulder's expense)
Lister (when he could again breathe): Are you sure that he's from the
same universe as us?  That could definitely be an alternate Rimmer who
just chose an alternate hair cut!
(Lister paused in his laughing and looked up at Kryten whose eyes were
fixed seriously on a scanner)
Lister (Jumping to his feet): Oh, smeg, what now?
Kryten: Look, sir, another ship is decloaking.  No, no, look, it's
appearing.

Lister: The difference being...
Kryten: It wasn't there a minute ago, cloaked or otherwise.  It just popped
into existence.  Holly! (Holly's face appears and she scowls at Kryten)
Tell the others we need them back here.
Lister: Do the Kinitawowi know that that new ship is out there?
Kryten: Doubtful, sir.  It's on the opposite side of Red Dwarf, practically
attached to the hull.  If they did a scan they would not be able to
locate an additional presence.
Lister: Can we get it on the screen?
Kryten: Working on it, sir.
(The other crew members rush back into the drive room)
Kryten: Sirs!!  Ma'am!!  Look at this!!
(Everyone gathers around the view screen)
Lister (receiving a print out): Another ship has just joined our little
party.  Here's the information Holly has gathered: Jupiter Mining
Corporation vessel, color green, registration name.....
Rimmer (impatiently): What is it?
Lister (squinting and looking out into space as the screen finally
displays the image): It's Starbug.
Mulder: What's Starbug?
Kryten: One of our ship to surface shuttles.  I assure you, it's still
in the shuttle bay.
Cat (pointing): No it ain't.
Rimmer (checking a scan): No, no, Kryten's right.  It's still aboard
Red Dwarf.  Lister, how many life forms?
Lister (checking scans): Oh, God.
Scully (leaning over his shoulder): What now?
Lister (turning to look at the group): There's two humans aboard.
Holly (Appearing): They're hailing us.
Cat: Let me say it, ok? (He stands tall in the middle of the drive room,
hands on hips, and declares) On screen!  (He looks around, pleased with
himself, but all eyes are on the screen.)
Kryten (panicking): Wait, these may be our future selves and contact
with them...
Lister (interrupting): ...has never turned out as we might have predicted.
Holly, put the message on the smegging screen!
Holly: Oi, no need to shout.
Lister: HOLLY!!!!!
(Her digitized face disappears and is replaced by: Scully and Mulder.
Lister wheels around to make sure Scully's still next to him.  He faces
her just in time to catch her as she faints.  Mulder is unconscious in
the arms of Kryten.  They are gently placed in chairs and left slumped
over the controls)
Mulder2: See, I told you.
Scully2: Mulder, one more comment out of you, and...
Lister: (interrupting) Uh, guys?  Heh, heh, what the *SMEG* is going
on??!!!!!
 

Chapter 7
  Previous  next

Mulder2: Jeez....I thought I'd take seeing myself better than that.
Scully2: Well, what do you expect? It's not every day you see a twin of
yourself.
Lister: It seems to happen every day around here. What the smeg is goin' on??
(Mulder and Scully slowly come regain conciousness)
Mulder2: It's a little complicated. How are you doing, Fox?
Mulder (Groggy): My mother always told me I shouldn't talk to myself.
Holly: Um, fellas.....
Rimmer: How do we know that you REALLY are Mulder and Scully?
Mulder (to Mulder2): If you are me, you'll know what game I was playing
with my brother when he was abducted.
Mulder2: Good thinking Fox. It wasn't your brother....it was our sister,
and we were playing Stratego. We were winning.
Scully: I don't know, Mulder.
Holly: Excuse me.......
Cat: Well, if you are these two, why are you there and what the heck do
you want?
Scully2: We want you to get your butts over here onto Starbug.
Lister: Wha? Why?
Holly: OI!! I think I've been trying to tell you why! Someone from Lister's
Pop's ship is beaming aboard....and I think it's the Hunter.
Lister: He said we had 24 hours!! That GIT!! We'll see if he gets a
smeggin' Father's Day gift from me.
Mulder2: That's why we're here. You have 10 seconds to grab what you need.
(the crew scurries around the drive room, grabbing whatever looks helpful.)
Scully2: Time's up. Here we go. (presses buttons)
(the crew disappears from Red Dwarf, and reappears on Starbug with
Scully2 and Mulder2.)
Lister: What the smeg?? Starbug can't beam us over like that....
Mulder2: No, your Starbug can't.......yet.
Scully2: Grab onto something everyone. This may be bumpy (presses button).
(Starbug turns and speeds away from Red Dwarf)

Lister (to Mulder2): Now would you tell us what the hell is going on??
Mulder2: We are the same Mulder and Scully as you two (nods towards
Mulder and Scully). In the original history, the Hunter beamed over to
Red Dwarf against the orders of your father-in-law. All of you were
slaughtered.
Rimmer: Didn't any of us, say......me, put up a brave effort perhaps?
Scully2: Well, according to reports, you actually hurt the Hunter's
ear with your high-pitched screaming.
Rimmer: Oh smeg.
Lister: Well...I mean, if you are from the future, who sent you??
Kryten: I don't believe he can tell us that, sir. It would influence our
future decisions.
Rimmer: But aren't they already doing that by being here?
Kryten: Perhaps not, if the theory of parallel universes is correct, and
we know it is. Every decision we make causes two universes to branch off,
one for each of the choices.
Lister: So, these two people are from the future in another dimension?
Scully2: Exactly. We can't tell you who sent us here. Let's just say
that they're friends of yours.
Cat (thinking): Man, space and time can be a pain in the arse.
Mulder: I don't know if I buy this...
Mulder2: C'mon Fox. You've always said the only person you can trust is
yourself. That's me.
Cat: Hang on....my nose is pickin' something up.
Kryten: Before we left Red Dwarf, I took Holly's disk. I'll put her in.
(puts disk in console).
Holly (popping up on screen): Thanks Kryten. Wish you would've thought
of that when I was stuck on Red Dwarf for those 300 years while you
four were galavanting around the universe in Starbug.
(Kryten looks down embarassed.)
Holly: Hmmm...looks like we have a ship chasing us, and if I'm not
mistaken, I believe it's that shape-shifting twonk.
Lister: Oh hell. (Danny's puppy head pops up from inside Lister's
jacket) things might get touchy (whispers something to Danny. Danny
makes a giggling sound).
Rimmer: Well Listy, I'm glad to see you're bonding with your little pal
there, but don't you think we have more pressing matters at hand than
your little fleabag? (Danny growls at Rimmer).
Mulder2: Holly...can you put the ship on screen?
(the screen shows a small ship following Starbug. The ship seems to fade
out for a few seconds, and appears closer to Starbug. It repeats this
pattern.)
Lister: What the smeg is it doin'?
Kryten: Sir, I believe that the Hunter's ship has time-travel capabilities.
It seems that he is time traveling in small jumps to get closer to us.
Lister: Well, why can't he just jump ahead of us?
Kryten: Remember...he has orders to kill us slowly.
Cat: Well, I, for one, don't like cat and mouse games when I don't get
to be the cat.
Scully: Can't we outrun him?
Scully2: I don't think so. We don't have the energy.
(Everyone is quiet. Suddenly a small voice appears)
Voice: Toast can provide energy...
Rimmer, Lister, Cat, and Kryten (in unison): Oh no.
Lister: Who the SMEG brought that on board??
Mulder: Well, when we were taking stuff from the ship, it.....it asked
to go along. I thought maybe it was Kryten's brother or something.
Kryten (VERY insulted): SIR!
Holly: Hang on.....something is coming into view ahead of us. I'll put
it on screen.
(a small structure appears on screen)
Mulder: What is that?
Kryten: I believe it is a space station.....
Lister: Holly, set a course for that station, and hurry.
(Starbug veers and heads for the space station)

(Starbug approaches the space station)
Lister: Can we find a way in?
Holly: Leave that to me. (disappears from screen)
(Lister looks over at Scully and smiles softly. Scully smiles back.)
Holly (appearing back on screen): We're in luck. They're computer is male.
I did a little sweet-talking, and just like any male, he's ready to open
his shuttlecraft door for me.
Lister (grinning): I love you, Hol.
Holly: Yeah....that's what he said too.
Rimmer: By the way, how many weapons do we have?
Lister: Uhhhhhh.....I managed to grab a bazookoid.
Cat: All I got was my mirror.
Scully: Your mirror??
Cat: Baby....my looks are a weapon!
Rimmer: Great Cat, maybe when he's shooting at us, he'll hit the mirror
and get seven years bad luck.
Mulder2: Hang on...we're going in.
(Starbug enters the space station and lands. The doors close, and the
room fills with air. The crew climb down from Starbug.)
Rimmer: Now where? Holly you little minx, how about asking your computer
date where the smeg we are.
Lister: Yeah, and ask him where everyone is. I'm surprised nobody is here
to see who we are.
Holly: Will do.
(the space station is rocked by laser fire. The lights flicker off, and
back on)
Holly: It's no good. That shot hit the main computer grid.
Cat (pointing at door): Ahhhhhhhhh!! He's trying to burn his way in!
Lister: GET THE SMEG OUTTA HERE!!
(Everyone runs into a corridor and follows it to a door at the end. They
press a panel and the door wooshes open. They enter the room, and the
door wooshes closed behind them. They are all standing in a small room,
with only the one door behind them)
Rimmer: Way to go, Listy.
Cat: Oh man....we're deader than parachute pants!!!
(Suddenly, the room is filled with the sound of someone walking in the
corridor outside the door. Mulder and Scully pull their guns)
Mulder2: NO!!! Nobody shoot him in this room. It's too small and his blood
is bound to touch us and contaminate us. Besides, the only way to kill
him is by piercing the base of his skull.
Rimmer: Oh smeg. We're dead.
Lister: I hoped it wouldn't come to this......(pulls Danny from his jacket)
Rimmer: Listy!! That's right!! The Emohawk can kill him! Sacrafices must
be made, you know!
(footsteps are heard right outside the door)
Lister: You're right Rimmer. But I couldn't do that to Danny. I have
something better in mind.....
Kryten (realizing what is about to happen): Wonderful plan, sir!!
Lister (to Danny): Now, remember what I whispered to you back on Starbug.
It's time for plan A.
Rimmer (realizing): N....no....Listy.....
(Lister throws Danny into the air. Danny turns into a paper airplane and
arcs gracefully towards Rimmer)
Rimmer (Scowling at Lister) You'll pay for this, m'laddo.
(Danny turns into the Emohawk and extends his mouth, latching onto Rimmer's
forehead and hanging there)
Rimmer: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (his hair begins to grow longer, and
within seconds, he becomes Ace Rimmer)
Ace Rimmer (in deep voice): Brilliant plan, Davey-Boy. (throws purring
Emohawk back to Lister, Emohawk turns back into Danny). Cat,Kryters...
great to be fighting alongside you two gents again. (nods at the two
surprised Mulders) Hello. (looks at the two Scullys). Hi there. The
name is Ace...Ace Rimmer.
(Lister throws him the bazookoid). Well, usually I prefer a smoked kipper,
but now it looks like I have an alien's butt to smoke.
Lister: Watch out for his blood. It's toxic.
Ace Rimmer: I eat toxic blood for lunch, Dave.
(the door wooshes open)
Ace Rimmer: Time to kick arse. Smoke me a kipper....I'll be back for....
(The Hunter fills the room with laser fire)

Chapter 8
  Previous  next

(Cat watches the emohawk's attack of Rimmer with a wide grin plastered
on his face.  He hears the door crash in behind him and his first instinct
is to run for cover.  Remembering that there is no other exit from the
room, he ducks behind the only object large enough to conceal his entire
body.  The other members in the room dive behind the Cat, shielded entirely
from the Hunter's laser fire by the full length vanity mirror he had
insisted upon bringing along)
(The laser fire ricochets off of the mirror and bounces off of the walls.
Most of the fire ends up being reflected directly back upon the shooter)
(Lister peers around the mirror when the blasts stop.  The Hunter is down.
 He's bleeding toxic blood and his wounds are slowly closing.  He does
not appear to be in the best of moods)
Lister: C'mon, get by him, RUN!!!
(To the Cat's dismay, he is forced to leave his precious preening device
behind in order to make a quick getaway.  He takes one final look at
himself and stands paralyzed for a moment by his own beauty.)
(Mulder, Scully, Mulder2, Scully2, and Ace leap over the fallen form of
the Hunter and out into the corridor)
Kryten: Mr. Lister, we haven't much time!
(Lister tugs at the Cat's arm)
Lister (to Kryten): You gotta help me, man!!
(The emohawk transforms into a canary and flies out of the room.  It
perches on Scully's shoulder)
(The Hunter stirs)
(Lister and Kryten manage to wrench Cat free from the hypnosis of the
mirror. Kryten lumbers around the Hunter and Cat somersaults over the
adversary with stunning grace.  Lister backs up to get a running start
as the Hunter struggles to his feet)
Lister: Oh smeg.
(He looks past the Hunter and sees Scully, along with the perched emohawk,
being forcibly pushed away from the room by Mulder and Ace.  The Cat and
Mulder2 are nowhere to be seen.  Kryten frowns and shrugs, then follows
the retreating party, his self-preservation chip overriding his insanity
chip)
(The Hunter faces Lister, fully regenerated)

(Back in the shuttle bay)
Cat (to Ace): And you scoffed at my necessity.  Seven years bad luck.
Huh, try seventy small laser wounds.
Ace: I stand corrected, old chum.  That was a brilliant scheme.
Cat: What a guy.
Scully (looking around): My God, Dave!  Where is he?
Ace: Could it be?  Is this the perfect time to attempt a daring and
foolhardy rescue of the last human?
Lister (from the doorway of the Hunter's shuttle): I'm right here.
C'mon, this craft's even more upgraded than the future Starbug.
Ace: Damn.  Good to see you, Skipper!
Kryten: But, sir, how did you manage to escape?
Lister: No time for that, Kryten, let's move!!
Kry
ten: Er, yes, everyone aboard, there's no time to lose.  The Hunter is
probably right behind us.  I'll just pop into Starbug and retrieve Holly's
disk.(Everyone clambers aboard the shuttle and a bright red ball bounces
down the ramp as the door closes.  The shuttle begins powering up and
the ball rolls out of the shuttle bay, then transforms into a cougar
which charges down the hallways of the space station)

(A low roar is heard by Lister as the Hunter begins to approach him)
Lister (looking out the door): Hey, man, did you hear that?
Hunter: Surely you don't take me for a fool, Mr. Lister?  (He levels his
laser at Lister and slowly begins to pull the trigger)
Lister (listening carefully): It sounds like a....(his voice trails off
and his eyes widen)
(The cougar pounds into the room and hits the Hunter with its full force.
The laser fires as the Hunter is knocked into the wall.  Lister cries
out as a hot beam of light rips into his shoulder.  He falls to his
knees and is immediately pulled to his feet by himself.  He smiles into
the handsomesed face he knows and then blacks out)

(Waking, Lister, carried clumsily by his doppleganger, finds himself back
at the shuttle bay.  The foreign craft is gone and the bay has been
repressurized.  He grunts and is placed on his feet.  The two race for
Starbug and climb up the stairs to the doorway.)
Lister2 (looking over his shoulder): He's coming.
Lister: Yeah, get in, I have an idea.
(They scramble into the shuttle and head for the cockpit.  They power
up the shuttle)
Lister2: So what's this cunning plan you've come up with?
Lister: As soon as that maniac steps into the bay we're gonna shut that
door behind him.  Holly!
Lister2: And how do you expect to pull that off? And what good will it do?
Lister (punching at the controls): I'm trying to establish a link with
the main computer.  Holly!  (he waits)
Lister2: Oh, Kryten took her disk before they left.
Lister: SMEG!!!
Lister2: Didn't Holly say that the main computer was fried?
Lister: Let's hope it was just the AI unit and not the general controls.
After all, we've still got life support.  (He punches some more blinking
buttons)  That should do it.
(They watch in silence as the Hunter's shadow appears in the doorway.
He approaches with caution)
Lister2: Can't we just take off, man?
Lister: No.
(Hunter steps into the bay and whirls as the door moves behind him)
Lister2: Shut it!!
Lister: I'm tryin'!!!
(The Hunter turns away from the door and starts moving towards Starbug.
Ever so slowly the door he entered through slides shut and is sealed)
Lister2: Now can we go?
Lister: Eh, as soon as I get these doors open
Lister2: Now, right this minute, immediately!!!
(The doors begin to open and the Hunter's eyes widen as the air begins
to be sucked out into deep space.  He grabs onto the sealed door, but
his grip slips and he succumbs to the vacuum.)
Lister and Lister2:  Yeeeeeeessssssssss!!!!!!
(Starbug glides out of the hanger and they quickly find the trail of
the other shuttle)
(The emohawk morphs back into a puppy and curls up on a pillow Lister
had placed in the corner.  Lister goes over to it and pats its head.)
Lister: Thanks, girl.
(The emohawk emits a soft purr)
(Lister winces as he remembers his shoulder wound.  He returns to the
console and does a short range scan, hoping to locate the Hunter's shuttle)
Lister:  Hey, Danny, they're heading back to the station.  Guess they
realized they were one float short of a parade.
(Ace's face appears on the monitor)
Rimmer: Davey boy!  Thought we'd lost you there.
Scully (forcibly shoving Ace out of the way): Dave?  Are you ok?
Ace (from off screen): Well, that filly's full of spunk.
Lister: Well, I'm still alive, but I could use some TLC.  (He pushes some
buttons on the control panel and Scully is beamed over to Starbug)
Hello, gorgeous.
Scully (smiling): What have you done to yourself now?
(She retrieves a firstaid kit from the wall and rips away the fabric
of Lister's shirt which conceals his wound.  She begins cleaning it)
Mulder (appearing on the monitor): What happened back there?  We thought
you were with us.
Cat (from off screen): Yeah, you know I'd have never let them take off
without you, bud.
Lister: Yeah, right.  Actually it was the emohawk you must've seen.
Guess she knew you were in danger if you stayed.
Mulder: What happened to the Hunter?
Lister: He got sucked out into space.  Yo, can he still survive?  (he
jerks his arm and looks at Scully) Ow, hey that stings!
Scully: Stop whining.
Mulder: We don't know what he's capable of.
Kryten: Excuse me sir, may I speak with him?  (Mulder steps aside and
Kryten appears)  I'm glad to see you're still in one piece, Mr. Lister.
Lister: Yeah, I can tell from the way you deserted me, man.
Kryten (sobbing): Sir, I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Lister: Forget it.  Put one of the future guests on.
(Kryten steps aside and is replaced by Scully2)
Lister: So, what now?
(She turns to Mulder2 who's off screen and confers with him)
Scully2 (facing Lister): We don't know.
Lister (slamming his fist on the controls): Why the smeg not?
(He waits for a response.  Scully looks up from cleaning his wound when
there is no reply.)
(They look out into space.  There is a Kinitawowi ship and a large Red
mining vessel filling the view screen)
Scully: Where are we?
Lister: I'm guessing that we are wherever your future self came from.
Scully: What's that light mean?
Lister (looks at the light): Incoming message.  I'll just put it on audio;
we don't want them seeing us.
Kryten's voice fills the cabin: I take it your mission was a success?
(Scully and Lister exchange panicked looks)
Scully: Turn it off.  (Lister nods and flips a switch to break the
connection) Who does he think we are?
Lister: Probably the future you and Mulder.
Scully: So we're even in a different dimension?
Lister: That's what they were claiming.  What the smeg is Kryten doing
involved in this?  Look, you'll have to talk to him, I'm not supposed
to be here.
(Lister takes the emohawk and crouches behind the door, out of sight.)
Lister: Ok, all set.
Voice: I just have one question.
Lister: Smeg, not now.
Scully: Just let him ask.
Lister: Just when I thought it was safe to get stuck in a parallel universe.
Voice: Would anyone care for some toast?  It can help calm the nerves
in a stressful situation, such as this.
(Lister emerges from his hiding place.)
Lister: You know, you weren't with the future pilots of Starbug.  No
one would miss you if I were to, say, cram you in the waste disposal unit.
Scully: Just get him out of here.
(The toaster's speakers are quickly covered with adhesive tape and gauze
from the first aid kit.  Lister returns to his hiding place with his hostage)
(Scully reopens the connection and begins conversing with Kryten)
 

Chapter 9
  Previous  next

Scully (to Kryten): Ummmmm....we're here Kryten.
(Kryten's image pops up on screen)
Kryten: You've done well Agent Scully. It seems...
(Screen fills with static. Kryten's voice fades away)
Scully (to Lister): Dave...something's wrong.
(Lister emerges from hiding space. He sets down gagged toaster.)
Lister: Try contacting the shuttle with everyone else on it.
(Scully fiddles with some buttons, and the Kryten from the present
appears on screen speaking through static)
Kryten: Mr. Lister sir, Holly calculates that on the way back from the
space station, we all went through some...(static)...of inter-dimensional
instability. According to Holly....(static)...are presently shifting from
dimension to dimension. She...(static) it should end soon. We will
attempt...(static)...beam...(static)...to the shuttle.
(The picture slowly begins to fade. Lister pushes a button and the screen
shows the shuttle fading out of view)
Lister: Where the smeg are you going?? Kryten, don't...I repeat DON'T
beam us over!! You are disappearing from view! (Pushes button, and Kryten
appears on screen)
Kryten (almost invisible in the static): Our sensors show that you are
disappearing too, Sir. We seem to be getting pulled into different
dimensions...(static)...get you out somehow...(static)...
Lister (watching all the ships slowly disappear): Oh smeg.
(The faint image of Ace Rimmer appears on the screen)
Ace Rimmer: Don't wor...(static)...vey-boy, I'll get you and that
pretty lady...(static)...of this mess, or my name isn't Ace Rim...
(screen darkens, and gradually shows a field of stars, in which they see
another Starbug)
Scully: Well....maybe....this is a better parallel dimension.
Lister: That would be a first. Hang on...the other Starbug is calling
us.
Scully: Just remember to think positive. Maybe things are quite normal
in this dimension.
Lister (smiling): Ok. I'll think positive. (pushes a button, and The
Cat's image appears on screen) You're right Dana! Things look normal here.
Scully: I told you they would.
Lister (to Cat): Ummm....this may sound and look confusing. Maybe you'd
better put Kryten on.
Cat (in Kryten's voice): I am Kryten, sir. And may I ask what the smeg
is going  on??
Scully (to Lister): Ok...maybe I was wrong.
Lister (To Cat) What do you mean you're Kryten??? You're the Cat.
(The image of The Cat is pushed aside by the image of Kryten)
Kryten (in the Cat's voice): Hey man....I'm the Cat! I don't know where
you're from, but it must be someplace with great taste if they heard of
me! (The image of the Cat pushes Kryten's image aside)
The Cat: Excuse me, Mr. Ri.....ummmm......sir. Maybe you'd better beam
over here.
Lister: I guess I'd better. I'm on my way over
Cat....err...Kryten....whoever.
(shuts off monitor) I have a bad feeling about this.
Scully: I'm coming with you.
(Lister picks up Danny and puts her in his jacket. She purrs.)
Lister: Ok...here we go. (presses button on console. Lister, Scully, and
the emohawk reappear on the other Starbug. Standing around them are The
Cat, Kryten, Rimmer, and Lister)
Lister: Ummmmm....hello.
The Cat (in Kryten's voice): I don't believe it. He must be from a
parallel universe.
Kryten (in Cat's voice, shining his head with a cloth): Yeah...by the
looks of his clothes, it's quite a primitive one, too.
Rimmer (in Lister's voice): What is wrong with his voice, though??
Lister (Looking at Lister 2): Oh no.....no no no! If he (points at Rimmer)
is me in this universe then...(looks at Lister 2)...oh smeg.
Lister2 (smiling): Arnold J. Rimmer at your service, you handsome devil.
Cat (In Kryten's voice): It appears that you have Lister's voice in
Rimmer's body...
Lister: This is NOT, I repeat NOT Rimmer's body!! Where I come from,
this is MY body!! I wouldn't touch Rimmer's body for all the vindaloos
in India!
Lister2 (In Rimmer's voice): Calm down, m'laddo. (Leering at Scully).
Hmmm...there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with YOUR body...
(Lister takes Scully into his arms)
Lister (to Lister2): You touch her gimboid, and I'll knee you so hard that
whatever voice you talk with, it's going to be 10 octaves higher!!!
Lister2 (In Rimmer's voice, grinning): You can't "knee" a hologram.
Rimmer (In Lister's voice): Ok Rimmer....shut your gob. What are we
going to do with these two?
Lister: Good question. Maybe Holly can help.
Rimmer (In Lister's voice): Holly? Who is Holly??
Lister: Don't you have a computer or something that runs your ship???
Rimmer (In Lister's voice, nervous): The Provider runs our ship. The
Provider takes care of us and watches over us.
Lister: Who the smeg is the Provider???
Rimmer (in Lister's voice): The Provider is our leader. He has requested
to see you. (points to Cat) Kryten, come with us.
(The four of them leave the room, Lister petting Danny who is sleeping
inside his jacket. Lister2 and Kryten stay behind, whispering. The four
of them walk down a corridor and Rimmer stops before a door. He slowly
opens it.
They walk into the room, which is decorated in gold. At the far end of the
room there is a huge throne. They walk towards it)
Scully (Looking at the throne): Oh my God. That...that's the Provider??
Lister (Looking at the throne): No...it can't be.....
Toaster (On throne, in deep voice): I AM THE PROVIDER!!! BOW AND
WORSHIP ME, VERMIN!!!!
Rimmer (In Lister's voice, bowing): These are the two that were in the other
Starbug, your Highness.
Toaster: WHAT BRINGS YOU TO US??? YOU ARE SHAPE-SHIFTING SPIES!!!
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?? AND MOST IMPORTANTLY.....
would you like some toast?
Lister: No, you irritating little tin junkheap!!! Take your toast and
cram it up your...(Scully looks at Lister with wide eyes and tugs on his
sleeve)... ooops. (Rimmer and Cat look up with their jaws hanging open.)
Toaster (Smoke pouring out of toast slots): WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAT DID YOU SAY???
I AM THE PROVIDER!!! NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT TO THE PROVIDER!!!
(the doors open and Lister2 and Kryten walk in. Kryten is looking at himself
in a small hand mirror, and has the other hand behind his back. They bow
as they approach the throne.)
Lister2 (in Rimmer's voice, bowing): I am sorry to bother you, great
Provider. I would not have come unless it was a matter of great importance.
I know how...
Toaster: GET ON WITH IT, SLUG!!!
Lister2 (In Rimmer's voice): I felt that these two were up to no good, so
the Cat and I beamed to their ship, and we found a most disturbing sight. I
am sorry that you have to witness this, your majesty.
(Kryten slowly takes his hand from behind his back to reveal the taped and
gagged Toaster.)
Toaster(Provider): WH...WH....WH....WHAT IS THIS??? A FELLOW PROVIDER??
AND YOU TORTURE IT LIKE THIS???? YOU WILL PAY! REMOVE ITS BONDS,
YOU HERETIC!!!
(Kryten throws the grumbling toaster to Lister. Lister slowly unwraps
enough tape so the toaster can speak)
Toaster (to the Providor, cheerfully): Hello. Would you like some toast?
The Provider: I AM THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO OFFER TOAST! MY GOD...
WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?
Toaster: Well, they knock me around quite a bit, but it's nothing a
crumpet wouldn't cure!!
The Provider: SILENCE! THEY HAVE BRAINWASHED YOU!! YOU MUST
PARTAKE OF MY TOAST AND BE HEALED.
Toaster: Must you yell so loud?
The Provider: I AM THE PROVIDER!!
Toaster: Actually, you are an annoying git. Cram your toast up your bum!!!
The Provider (billowing smoke): WHHHHHATTTTT?? YOU WILL ALL PAY!
MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS......KILL THEM!!!!
(Rimmer, Kryten, and Cat pull out small laser guns)
Scully: Dave....do something!!!
(Lister drops the toaster to his side, swinging it out with the unrolled
tape. He swings the toaster in an arc over is head, bringing it down on
Rimmer's head, who falls to the ground. He swings it around again at
Kryten, knocking him to the ground. The Cat aims the laser gun at Scully.
The Cat (In Kryten's voice): Eat laser beam, bimbo!
(Lister swings around, pulling the toaster with him. He swings the toaster
around, knocking the gun out of Cat's hand.
The Cat (In Kryten's voice): You forget....I'm an android.
Lister: I didn't forget....I was just saving the home-run hit for last.
(Lister swings the toaster around his head twice, pulling it forward with
all his strength. The toaster connects with The Cat's head, which is
knocked off of his body)
Toaster (Joyfully) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Put some jelly on that, you
souped-up can-opener!!!
Scully: Dave....they're coming to...we have to get out of here!!!
(Lister2 is shouting at the others to wake up. The Cat's body is stumbling
around and looking for it's head. Rimmer and Kryten slowly get up)
The Provider: GET THEM!! KILL THEM!!
Lister: Let's get the smeg out of here.
(Lister, carrying the whooping Toaster, and Scully run out of the room,
and head back for the cockpit of Starbug)
Scully: How do we get back?
Lister: Those two smegheads just beamed over to our Starbug. Maybe their
transporter is still set for it. It looks like our control pad.
(the sound of running is heard outside the cockpit door)
Scully: They're coming!
Lister: Here goes.
(Lister presses a button, and they soon reappear on the other Starbug. He
sets the toaster down as he and Scully jump into the seats. After Lister
presses a few buttons, Starbug starts to speed away)
Lister: Whew. That was close.
Toaster: I can't believe the audacity of that "Provider" fellow!! Nobody
can offer toast but him. Indeed.
Scully (Patting Toaster): You did good.
Lister: Yeah....maybe I'll even have some toast once we get back to Red
Dwarf.
Toaster: Really?
Lister: Of course not.
Toaster: Hmph.
Scully: How exactly are we going to get back to Red Dwarf, seeing how it
is in another dimension and all??
Lister: I'm still thinking about that one.
(The ship shudders from an explosion. Lister puts the view behind the ship
on screen, and the other Starbug comes into view)
Scully: Uh-oh.
Lister: Hang on.
(Another explosion rocks the ship, and the engines start to slow down)
Lister: Oh smeg....they hit the engines!!!
(The ship slows to a stop. The other Starbug creeps into view in front of
it.)
Scully: They're getting us in their sights!!!!
Lister: There's nothing we can do. I wish Holly was here.
(Lister opens a compartment and rummages through disks. He eventually
brings one out)
Scully: What is that?
Lister: I don't know. It's the only disk that's marked. All it has on it
are the letters "B.T.L-V.N."
Scully: Is Holly on it?
Lister: I don't think so.
(The other Starbug fires. Lister and Scully are thrown to the floor. Danny
yelps awake in Lister's jacket. Scully lands on the toaster. They both get
back into their seats, Scully with the toaster on her lap. The cockpit is
hissing from air escaping through the cracks into space from the last blast.
Several consoles are on fire.)
Lister: We can't take another blast. (Looking at Scully). I'm sorry for
getting you into this, Dana.
Scully (weakly smiling): It's ok Dave. I've seen more things in these last
few hours than I ever dreamed of. I'm glad I was with you.
(Lister and Scully smile at each other)
Scully: They have us in their sights again.
Lister: No......it can't end like this. There has to be something.....
(picks up the disk and puts it into the drive).
(A laser beam leaves the other Starbug, headed for the cockpit. The computer
whirs as the disk is read).
Scully: Goodbye Dave. Thank you.
(The beam hits the cockpit, and the computer bursts into flames. The monitor
sends out blue streams of electricity which engulf Lister, Scully, Danny,
and the Toaster)
(Suddenly, the sound of flames and hissing air are gone, replaced by chirping
birds and a soft wind. Lister slowly opens his eyes, and he sees that he has
his head in the lap of a pretty woman wearing a white dress.
Woman: Did you have a nice sleep dear?
Lister: Wha?
Woman: You were sleeping.
Lister: Where am I??
Woman: The same place we were when you fell asleep, silly.
Lister: The last thing I remember is putting in some disk that had B.T.L-V.N.
written on it.
Woman: Shhhhhh. We don't want him to find us.
Lister (Confused) Wha?? Who?? Where am I?? B.T.L.-V.N.....B.T.L.-V.N....
(Lister's eyes widen as he remember what the letters stand for)
Lister (sitting up and saying loudly): It stands for "Better Than Life -
Virtual Novel"!!!
Woman: Shhhhhhhh!
Lister: But how can that be, unless when the computer blew up, it somehow
pulled us into it. But how can I still be alive?? And where is Dana??
Woman: SHHHHHHHH! Who is Dana? Is she someone that you met when you ran off?
Lister (voice rising): Ran off where?? Where the smeg am I?
(A man's figure begins approaching them)
Woman (scared) Now you've done it!!! Here comes Edgar!!!
Lister: Who is Edgar?? Where are we??
(The man approcahes slowly, looking at Lister. He pulls out a pistol)
Man: I told you to stay away from Catherine.
(He aims at Lister)
Man: Goodbye, Heathcliff.
 

Chapter 10
  Previous  next

Lister:  Smeggin' hell!  (He jumps up and dives out of the way of the
approaching bullet.)
Edgar: Stand where you are and accept the justice you have brought upon
yourself.  (he levels the pistol at Lister again)
Lister: No chance in hell, you fictional bastard!  (He takes off across the
field, heading for a grove of trees. He hears the pistol as it repeatedly
fires and can see the bullets hitting the trees he is heading for.  Finally
he dives into their shady cover)
Lister: Just my look.  (Starts dusting himself off)
(He hears a rustling in the underbrush and hides behind a tree.  A figure
appears and he tackles it with an aggressive cry)
Lister: AAAHHH!!! (they hit the grass) Ooof. (He pins the figure to the
ground)
Scully: Get offa me.
Lister: (smiling) Oh, sorry. (He doesn't move)
Scully: (laughing)  Dave!
(Lister jumps to his feet and extends his hand to her.  She accepts and he
helps her to her feet.)
Lister: Where the smeg are we now?
Scully: Wuthering Heights.
Lister: You wha'?
Scully: I heard you screaming at that woman that the disk was a virtual
novel.  She's Catherine and you are Heathcliff.  The novel is, therefore,
Wuthering Heights.
Lister: Ah.  So, are we dead?
Scully: I was just about to ask you that.
Lister: Well, the computer fizzed and then, and then.....
Scully: I think we should assume that we are alive.
Lister: Oh yeah?  Why?
Scully: Because this isn't a very rewarding afterlife.
Lister: True.
Scully: How do the games work?
Lister: They usually plug into your brain.  Make you think you're really
there.
Scully: What about our bodies?  If this is all mental, then how do we know
we're safe back in reality?
Lister: We don't.  In all probability we're floating around in space along
with the debris of Starbug with our minds wrapped up in this game.  Any
second our oxygen could run out and then.....game over.
Scully: Is there a way out?
Lister: (snaps his fingers) Good thinkin'.  Ok, picture an exit.  Do you
see it?
Scully: (points to a pink neon exit sign at the edge of the grove) There.
Lister: Let's go.
(They scurry through the exit and wake up in the cockpit of Starbug with
smoke clearing around them)
Scully: How do we know this is real?
Lister: Well, we were in a novel, not a fantasy game.  The program should
be limited to Wuthering Whatsits and not to any mental desires.
Scully: Ok, so where are we *now*?
Lister: Just punching it up.....
(There is a "ffzztt" and Kryten's voice is heard)
Kryten: Ah, there you are.  We were afraid you were lost forever in that
dimensional pull.
(Lister puts Kryten on hold)
Lister: So we must've gotten sucked out of that dimension just in time.
Look. (taps a scanner) The engines are shot to hell.  We must've drifted or
been somehow pulled into the dimensional thing.  That seems to be the extent
of the damage.  (gets a fire extinguisher and puts out the flames in the
cockpit)  Great.  The damage report machine isn't working.
Scully: But which Kryten is that?  What dimension?
Lister: You should talk to him.  Audio only.  (He reestablishes contact)
Scully: Good to hear your voice, Kryten.
Kryten: Agent Scully, glad to have you back.  And did Mulder return, also?
Scully: Yes, he's, uh, checking the supplies.
Kryten: Excellent.  I recommend that you pilot Starbug into Red Dwarf and
we can confer in the drive room.
Scully: We took some hits from the Hunter.  Our engines are shot.
Kryten: Just beam aboard.  Holly will handle the rest.  We'll get a team of
skutters on those engines right away.
Scully: Understood.  (transmission ends)
Lister: Understood?  You haven't got a Mulder.
Scully: Yes I do.
(Lister turns around to see that the emohawk has morphed into Mulder)
Mulder: Glad to be of assistance.
Lister: I don't like this.
Scully: You don't have to.  You have to stay put and stay quiet.
Lister: Hey, I've got the toaster for company.  I'm thrilled.
Toaster: We'll whack anything that comes through that door.....(His voice
unit is once again muffled by gauze and tape)
Lister: I'll have plenty of toast to eat, too.
Scully (laughing): An endless supply, I should think.
Lister (moving closer): You be careful, ok? Don't take any unnecessary
risks.
(Suddenly getting an idea he rushes over to the control panel of Starbug.
Presses buttons furiously)
Scully: What are you doing?
Lister: (hands her a small device) With a push of a button you can alert me
about a problem.  If things get tight, push the button and don't hang
around.
I'm gonna try to help the skutters fix the engines once Holly pulls the
Bug into the shuttle bay.  If things don't go well, we can defend ourselves
from here.  Just be sure you stay with the emohawk.  I don't want either one
of you left over there on your own.
(Lister looks around, trying to think of something else to do to ensure
Scully's safety.  He finally looks at her and flashes a lopsided grin)
Lister: Well, I think you're set.
Scully: Thanks, Dave.
(He moves over to her and wraps his arms around her)
Lister: Please be careful.
(Scully holds onto him tightly and Mulder watches, smiling.  When they step
away from each other, Lister moves over to the emohawk)
Lister: You be careful, too.  You've saved my life and I don't want to see
you getting hurt, ok?
(Lister and Mulder exchange manly hugs and Lister muses upon the
impossibility of ever being this friendly with the actual agent)
(Lister steps back and watches as they vanish.  He sighs, looking around.
He sees the toaster)
Lister: Hey, how about that toast?
Toaster: Mmmf!!! Mmmmf!!!!

(.....aboard the Kinitawowi ship back in one of the dimensions the story
started in....maybe.  The conversation has been painstakingly translated
without the aid of Kryten.  Just be thankful it does not appear in the
original Kinitawowese.)
Father: Ah, my pretty one, have you heard?
(Khhkh shakes her head)
Father: Well, you shall be pleased.  Your mate shall return to you tomorrow.
 He has asked for 24 hours to prepare himself.
Khhkh: Good.  He shall be sorry for leaving me on my wedding night.  That
disgrace has cut me deeply, but I gain much pleasure from the thought of
nights to come.
Father: Please, pretty one, spare me the details.  Now I must go and inform
our guest that his services will not be required today.  Go, prepare for the
arrival of your husband.
(Khhkh's Father leaves his daughter to her preparations and he searches his
ship in vain for the Hunter.)
Father: Computer!!
(A blip signals the computer has given him its attention)
Father: Where is our guest?
Computer's voice: Not on board.
Father: What!!!
Voice: Not on board.
Father: Where is he?
Voice: He has taken his shuttle and departed.
Father: Damn it!!  I need him to punish the evil doers. (A thought occurs to
him) Computer, how many life signs aboard the mining ship?
Voice (after a pause): None.
Father (sadly): All is well.  I shall inform my pretty one of this tragedy.
Computer, search for this missing shuttle and this Hunter.  I want him
punished for acting outside my wishes.
(Khhkh's Father heads for his daughter's honeymoon room.  He knocks gently
on the door and pushes it open)
Father: Pretty one, I am sorry to tell you this news.
Khhkh (scattering flowers around the bedroom): What news?
Father: Your mate is dead.
Khhkh (drops the remaining flowers onto the floor): My Unwashed One?
Father: Yes.  The Hunter has gone and wiped out the crew of his ship.
(Khhkh's servants gather around her to console her as her father exits)

(.....and aboard the Hunter's shuttle)
Kryten: I can't get a lock. Damn, they're gone again.
Mulder: Scully!!!
Scully2: Damn it!!  Mulder, (gives him a tap to get his attention) they're
gone.
Mulder2 (looking up from some kind of scanner): What?  That's impossible.
Scully, we *have* to find them.
Scully2: You don't need to tell me that.  This is a disaster. (drops her
head into her hands)
Mulder: Why, where are they?
Mulder2: Well, uh, oh they could be virtually anywhere and in any kind of
danger.
Scully2: Yes!  That's why we must recover them immediately.
Ace: Wish I was aboard the Bug with Skipper.  Davey and I have gotten out of
plenty of scrapes.  We work well together.
Cat (yawning): Wake me when it's time for lunch.

(After Scully and the emohawk's departure, the future Holly appears on some
monitors inside Starbug.  She engages a tractor beam, not bothering to scan
for additional life forms.  Lister and the Toaster are back in their hiding
place and are slowly drawn into Shuttle Bay 47 of Red Dwarf.)
(Footsteps are heard climbing the ramp to Starbug and three crew members
enter.  Voices of the future crew are heard as they retrieve supplies and
reset controls of Starbug)
Rimmer: I don't understand why Holly and Kryten can't do this.  It's so
tedious.  I mean, even the skutters can handle this.
Lister: The skutters have to handle the engine.  Can't you just do what
you're asked once without whinging on about it?
Rimmer: No, if you must know, I can't.  I was not meant for such menial
labor.
Lister: That's right.  You were meant for the glory of chicken soup nozzles.
Rimmer: Shut up.
Kochanski: We're finished, let's go.
(Lister listens to the crew depart and emerges from his hiding place despite
the muffled protests of the Toaster)
Lister (to himself): Kochanski?  Kris?  Smeggin' hell, what's she doing
here?
(He rushes to the cockpit and watches her hips sway their way out of Bay 47.
He collapses into the pilot's seat and stares at the fuzzy dice hanging
from the rear view mirror)

(Scully and the emohawk materialize in the drive room aboard Red Dwarf.
 Kryten is there to greet them and Holly's face fills the screens in the
room.  Cat is napping in the corner)
Scully: Hey Kryten.
Mulder: Long time no see.
Kryten: I trust everything went according to plan?
Scully: Absolutely.  No problems.
Mulder: Well, we had to outwit and outrun the Hunter, but we managed just
fine.
Kryten (curiously): So our other selves are dead?
(Scully turns away and pales)
Mulder: Er, yeah.  It's all taken care of.
Kryten: Excellent.  I'll leave you two to yourselves.  I must make sure the
officer's mess is ready for this evening's victory disco.  (He waddles out
of the room happily)
(Holly's face vanishes)
Scully (grabbing Mulder by the collar of his trench coat): (hissing) What
the hell is going on now?
Mulder (hissing back): How the hell should I know?
Scully (releasing him and smoothing his lapels): Sorry, I'm sorry.
(massages her forehead) Thanks for keeping your cool back there.
Mulder: No problem.
Scully (eying Mulder): It's really amazing.  Even I can't tell the
difference.
Mulder: That's the whole point.
(Kochanski and Lister enter the drive room, laughing)
Lister: Hey, Skulls, how's it going?
Scully: Great, just great.
Lister: And you, Moose, you ok?  Have fun during your little interstellar
jaunt?
Mulder: Yup.
Kochanski: C'mon, Dave.  They want ta be left alone.
Lister: Yo, check ya later!
(Lister and Kochanski depart)
Scully (shuddering): Skulls?
Mulder: Hey, anything's better than "Moose."
Scully: Who was that woman?
Mulder: You got me.
Scully: I think we should head back to Starbug and tell Dave about this.
Mulder: Agreed.  Think we can find our way or should we push the button?
Scully: I remember the way and so far no one suspects anything.  I don't
see any need to upset Dave when he's this far away from us.
(Scully and Mulder head out of the drive room.  Cat stirs in the corner,
making a mental note to pass this information on at his earliest convenience)
 

(Lister is pulled out of his daydreams and contemplations by the sound of
more footsteps on the metal stairs of Starbug.  He goes scrambling for
cover)
Scully: Dave, it's us.
Lister: (emerging from his secret spot) I knew that. (He goes over to her
and kisses her forehead.) I'm glad you're back.
Mulder: Did you look at the engines?
Lister: Eh, no.
Scully: Why not?  We were out there getting valuable information and you sat
here doing what - staring at the fuzzy dice?
Lister: I saw Kochanski.
Scully (shocked): Oh.  We didn't know who she was.  I'm sorry.  This must be
hard for you.
Lister: You saw her, too?
(Scully and Mulder nod)
Lister: I wonder what decision it was that brought her here.  It burns me up
inside to think that the opposite of something I did resulted in her living
with this me on this ship.
Scully: That's the least of our problems.
Lister: Oh smeg, more good news?
Mulder: The mission of the future Mulder and Scully in our universe is to
kill the crew of Red Dwarf.
(There's a long pause as the information sinks in)
Toaster: Mmmf.  MMMMMFFFFFFF!!!!
Lister: Yeah he's got a point.  Why didn't they just let the Hunter do it?
Scully: There's no way of knowing.
Mulder: It gets worse.
(Scully gives him a puzzled look)
Lister: Just spit it out.
Mulder: She's known as Skulls and I'm Moose.
(Scully laughs and Lister cracks a smile)
Lister: C'mon, Moose, let's get a look at those engines.  Skulls, keep us
posted, kay?
Scully: You got it.

Chapter 11
  Previous  next

(half an hour later....)
Lister (tinkering with the engines): That should do it, I think.
Mulder: Are you sure? How will you know??
Lister: Well, when we take Starbug out and fire up the motors, if our
insides stay on the inside, it's a go. If we hear a KABLOOIE, well, we'll
be in orbit around the nearest planet. At least the sunsets will be pretty.
(clapping Mulder on the back) You did good, Danny.
(Mulder smiles)
Scully (yelling from cockpit): Is it fixed yet??
Lister (walking into cockpit with Mulder): Yup. I think it's time we got the
smeg out of here. I would have liked to have found out why these us's wanted
us dead. Oh well...looks like I'll never know.
(The door to the cockpit bursts open. Kryten, Rimmer, Lister, and Cat are
standing in it holding bazookoids)
Lister: Errrr....maybe I will find out after all.
FutureLister: Alright....you three, hands up, and start walking.
(Scully, Lister, and Mulder are taken from Starbug and escorted down
several corridors to a quarantine holding cell. FutureLister pushes the
three of them to the floor)
Cat: That will teach you to interrupt my naps with your covert whispering.
You forget that I have the hearing of a cat, also.
Rimmer: Shut up, Cat
Cat (turning his head): What was that?? I didn't quite catch it...
Rimmer: Shut your gob!!! (turning to Kryten) Well well well, Kryty. Looks
like your little plan didn't work. And you (turning to Holly's face on the
screen), it took you smegging MONTHS to come up with your calculations!
What were you calculating...the numbers of blonde hairs on your dizzy head?
Holly: Oh...you wanna play rough Arnie?
(Rimmer suddenly changes form into a dung beetle)
Holly: You forget that I control your hologrammatic functions, Rimmer.
Rimmer (in squeaky voice): I'm very sorry Holly. I didn't mean it. (Rimmer
 changes back into his human form).
Lister (from floor): Um...excuse me, but would somebody tell me what the
smeg is going on here?
FutureLister (to Lister): Ok pal. You want the answers?? Here is what it's
all about... (pulls out a cloth bag from his jacket and opens it. He dumps
several large jewels into his hand).
Scully: Money?? This whole thing is about money??
FutureLister: You got it, Skulls. From what Cat told us, it's obvious that
you aren't the Scully from our dimension, (turning to Mulder) and you aren't
the Mulder from our dimension.
Kryten: We don't know where you're from, but you must die.
Lister: Why??
Rimmer: As you probably figured out by now, we are the future result of
several choices that all of you have made.
FutureLister: I don't know what choice YOU made as Lister, but I figured that
since I'm the last human alive, why not use good old fashioned human cunning
and greed to get the most money I can.
Lister: Space Pirates....you're nothing more than smegging Space Pirates.
Cat (holding up bazookiod): Well-dressed Space Pirates, buddy.
FutureLister: With the money that we've stolen, we've managed to get a
Time Stroller for the ship. It is like a time-machine, but there are a few
kinks in it.
Lister: You have a time machine?? (Standing) That means we can get back to
Earth!! (FutureLister turns the bazookoid around and hits Lister on the head,
knocking him to the floor and drawing blood. Scully takes Lister into her
arms)
FutureLister: Why would I want to go back to Earth?? I have everything I need
right here. We went back with the time machine and arranged our future so
that Kochanski would be with us instead of dead, and so that Mulder and
Scully would be with us, and see things our way after several of Kryten's
ummmm...let's say "persuasive" lessons.
Mulder: Well....why did you want to kill the other Red Dwarf crew??
FutureLister: One day I got curious, and I wanted to see what the future
would be like. Other crew members had restrictions about seeing the future,
but I needed to know. I set the machine, and I found out that our future
ended sooner than I thought. It ended today. Somehow, Dave Lister from
another dimension in the past managed to get on board our Red Dwarf, and
destroy it.
Lister (groggy): Do you know if everyone dies??
FutureLister: All I know is that I saw Red Dwarf destroyed. I sent our Scully
and Mulder to kill you, so that you wouldn't be able to come here and cause
our death. Somehow, you're still here.
Lister: Yeah...time can be a stubborn old git.
FutureLister: It doesn't matter now. You're here, and you're dead.
(Kryten, Rimmer, FutureLister, and Cat all point their bazookoids at the
three prisoners)
FutureLister: Let them have it, boys.

(from the doorway of the holding cell, a small voice is heard)
Voice: Get away from them.
(Everone turns to see Kochanski standing in the doorway with a bazookoid)
FutureLister: What are you doing Kris??
Kochanski: I'm doing the right thing. Back away from them.
(FutureLister, Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten all lower their bazookoids and move
away from Lister, Mulder, and Scully)
Kochanski (to Lister): C'mon....let's get out of here.
(Mulder, Scully, and Lister get up and walk to Kochanski. She lets them pass
into the corridor and looks into the cell)
Kochanski (to FutureLister): You told me once that I died in another reality
and that you missed me enough to come back for me. I still don't understand
everything, except that somehow I once died when Red Dwarf had the radiation
leak. I remember Dave Lister from before the leak. He was a friend and I
cared about him. You're not that Dave Lister. The man out in the corridor
is.
(she locks the cell door. Lister, Scully, and Mulder are down at the end of
the corridor)
Lister: Thanks Kris.
Kochanski: Don't mention it, Dave.
Scully: There's one thing I don't understand. If the other Scully and Mulder
are supposed to kill us, why didn't they??
Kochanski: Well, Kryten used a combination of brainwashing and hypnosis to
convince them that you had to die, but we managed to undo Kryten's hypnosis
and plant some of our own.
Lister: We?? Who else helped you?
(Holly's face pops up on the monitor in the hallway)
Holly: Who else on the ship would be smart enough to do it?
Lister (smiling): I love you Hol. That just leaves one thing...is this Red
Dwarf destroyed or not?
(Suddenly, the ship is hit by an immense explosion.)
Lister: What the smeg?
Holly: Incoming message....
(Holly's face disappears, and the face of the Hunter appears on the screen)
Hunter: I finally found you, Lister.
Lister: What the smeg are you doing?? I thought the Kinitawowi wanted me
alive.
Hunter: They think you're dead, and you will be. You have angered me, and
after your death I will kill your friends from your Red Dwarf.
(Another explosion rocks the ship)
Lister: Let's get back to the Bug!
(They race down the corridor away from quarantine and back to Starbug.
 Lister starts the engines, which grind and smoke)
Scully: There's no way we can outrun the Hunter.
(Another explosion shakes the ship)
Lister: You're right, we can't outrun him....in space.  Mulder...er,Danny...
come with me. Scully, you and Kris stay here. Oh, Dana let me have that
thingamajig so you know when we're finished.  Now, beam us to the engine
room.
(Scully looks blankly at the controls.  Kochanski brushes past her and keys
in the proper code.  Lister and Mulder vanish. The loading bay is in flames
from the attack)
Lister (appearing in the engine room): Holly!!! I hope you're here!!!
(Holly's face pops up on a monitor)
Holly: No Dave, I'm in Belgium. Of course I'm here.
(Lister looks around and sees a box hooked up to the engines)
Lister: That's it.
Mulder: What is it?
Lister: The Time Stroller. We need it on Starbug. Holly, how do I remove
this thing?
Holly: You see where it plugs into the wall?
Lister: Yeah...
Holly: Pull the plug OUT of the wall. Gordon Bennett...the Lister in this
universe may be evil, but at least he has a IQ higher than kiwi fruit.
(Lister unplugs the device and picks it up)
Lister: Ok Hol...
(Suddenly, Lister feels a bazookoid against his back)
FutureLister: Drop it. Hands up you two. You did it, didn't you?? You got
us destroyed. Well, if I'm going to be destroyed, I'll have the satisfaction
of killing you two first (he raises the bazookoid at them). Prepare to face
your worst fear.
Lister: C'mon Davey...you know this isn't our worst fear. You wanna show
him our worst fear, Danny?
Mulder: My pleasure.
(Mulder changes into a 10 foot tall slobbering alien. FutureLister faints,
falling to the floor. Lister picks him up. Danny changes back into Mulder
and picks up the Time Stroller. Lister presses the button on the device and
Kochanski beams the group back to Starbug)
Scully: The other Lister??? Where the heck did he come from??
Lister (plugging in the Time Stroller to Starbug's engines): Well, he wanted
to get into a scuffle with Dave Lister, not knowing that Super Dave Lister
would kick his alien bottom. (Lister glances at Mulder, who smiles)
Kochanski: What do you want with that Lister? He's a jerk.
Lister: Let's just say I can think of somebody who might like him. Sort of
a wedding present...
(Another explosion hits Red Dwarf. Holly appears on Starbug's monitors.)
Holly: Oi!!! I suggest you get the smeg out of here soon. Red Dwarf is
breaking apart.
Lister: I wish I could take you with us, Hol.
Holly: Nah....it's ok. Just think of me when you're with the Holly from
your dimension and time, ok??
Lister: Will do.
Holly: Good luck to all of you. (Holly's face pops off of the monitor, and
the doors to the landing bay start to open)
Kochanski: Here we go.....
(Starbug lifts off the ground, and exits the exploding Red Dwarf. In the
distance, the Hunter's ship is seen. It sees Starbug, and begins racing
towards it)
Kochanski: Who is this guy??
Lister: An old friend. We thought he was dead. Hang on....
(Starbug attempts to outrun the Hunter's ship, but due to the engine trouble,
the ship crawls forward. The Hunter fires a shot at Starbug, which causes
Starbug to spin out of control)
Scully: Where'd he get another ship??
Lister: Does it matter!?
Kochanski: We can't take another hit!
(The Hunter's ship closes in)
Lister: Kris, hit that button on the Time Stroller.
Mulder: Do we know what time the device is set for??
Lister: No time for that...
(The Hunter fires another shot. Kochanski hits the button on the Time
Stroller. The air inside Starbug crackles with energy. The Hunter's ship and
laser fire disappear, and the screen is filled with swirling colors.
Lister (Smiling): She rides!!!
 

Chapter 12
  Previous  next

Cat: Hey, buddies!!  How's it going!
(Ace, Mulder and Kryten turn their grave faces to Cat)
Cat: What?
(Mulder and Ace turn back to the future Scully and Mulder)
Kryten (to Cat): We fear they may be dead.
Cat: Who?
Kryten: Why, agent Scully and Mr. Lister.
Cat: Oh, that's right, they're missing.  (He slinks over to the table where
Scully2 and Mulder2 are seated)  Hey!  I found one!!
Mulder: Is he always like this?
Kryten (nodding): I'm afraid so.
(Cat pulls up a chair and seats himself beside Scully2)
Ace: Gentlemen, let's bring the Cat up to speed, shall we?
Mulder: Do we have to?
Kryten: The agents from the the other dimension have shed some light on
our current predicament.
Cat: Predica-what-ament?
Kryten (ignoring Cat): We have discovered that the crew from the other
Red Dwarf sent them here to kill us.
Cat (quickly sliding his chair away from Scully2): No you don't!!
Scully2: That's why we were sent, but that's not what we're here to do.
Mulder2: Your alter egos are deranged.  More so than one would expect.
Ace: How far in the future did you say they are?
Scully2: Not very distant.  Only a few weeks.
Cat: So why are you here?
Mulder2: Through hypnosis and subliminal messages we were programmed to kill
you, but before we launched Starbug, those aboard Red Dwarf with  your best
interests at heart undid the damage and sent us here to save you.
Cat: I bet a handsome feline was on our side.
Ace: Sorry old chum.  No courageous kitties there, either.
Mulder2: Kris and Holly saved you.
Cat: I don't know a Kris.  Hey, Eraser Head, do we know a Kris?
Kryten: No, but Mr. Lister does.  In the other time line, his future self
managed to save Kristine Kochanski from the radiation leak which killed
the crew of Red Dwarf.
Cat: So?
Mulder (sitting down): From this point on, things get a little bit confusing.
Mulder2: She and Holly prepared the calculations which sent us here to save
you from the Hunter which the future Lister found by accident when he altered
the time lines to get us from Earth.  He sent the Hunter here to become
buddy with the Kinitawowi and then to disobey their orders and kill you all.
 He wanted to send us to assist the Hunter and then kill him.  (Mulder2
produces a metal spike)  We were supposed to drive this through the base of
his skull.
Cat: Why?
Scully2: Even the other Lister realized how powerful the Hunter was.  He
couldn't be free to wander through the universe, which is probably what
he is doing if he survived that journey into space.
Mulder2: They have a type of time machine and a few months ago our Lister
was able to see his Red Dwarf destroyed by your Lister.  Obviously he had to
defend himself.  But when the Hunter and then Starbug passed across the
dimensions, a rip was left in space.  See, there it is on the scanners.
Cat (checks the scanner then turns to Kryten): So what is it?
Kryten: It's a portal between dimensions.  A way for beings to transverse
the great dimensional barrier with relative ease.
Cat (turning to Ace): So what is it?
Ace: When two dimensions are connected by a craft of some kind, oftentimes a
rent in the space time continuum is created.  This allows beings from one
dimension to slide into the other.
Cat (turning to Scully2): So what is it?
Mulder: Oh for crying out loud!! It's a thing in space and if you go through
it you end up somewhere else!!!
Cat: Oh, a dimensional doorway from one reality to another!  Why didn't you
just say so?
(Mulder rises and stalks out of the room)
Cat: Hey hey!! When you're hot, you're hot!!
Scully2: What were we talking about?
Kryten: This particular doorway, as it were, is highly unstable. It is also
highly powerful.  And it breeches both time and dimensions.
Cat: And Dynamite and Gerbil Face went through?
Ace: That's right, chum.
Scully2: And we fear that they've encountered your evil counterparts who
want you dead.
Cat: Oh.
Mulder2: That's it??  That's all you can say??
Cat: Listen bud, I'm not gonna let this cut into my preening time. You wanna
find 'em, go find 'em.  My appearance is not going to suffer because they
can't follow a map.  But if I were you, I'd check out what that red blip on
the scanner scope means before I did any more soul searching.  (Cat turns
and slinks out)
Holly (blinking up onto the screen): Red blip alert!
Mulder2: The full force of the IQ in this shuttle wouldn't dent a rotten
tomato.
Kryten: I suggest we power up our defensive shields and prepare for the
worst.  The, er, red blip is emerging from the dimensional doorway.
Ace: Good thinking Kryters.  Holly, old girl, do as he says.
Holly: Right! (blinks off the screen)
Ace: Foxy, do a scan - who are they?
Mulder2 (grimacing at the name): Er, looks like five humans.
Kryten: Surely not, sir!
(Mulder returns to the cockpit)
Mulder: What?
Kryten: It can't be five humans!
Mulder: I'm seriously beginning to doubt good old Dave's claim to be the
last human being alive.
Ace: If that's Skipper, he might be in danger.  I'm gonna go sort things
out. Holly!  Patch me into their teleporter and get me over there!
(Ace begins to vanish) Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
(He's gone)
Mulder: What a guy.

(The colors swirl around Starbug in nauseating patterns.  The occupants of
the shuttle cling to one another as turbulence begins to rock the craft)
Scully (Screaming over the shuddering Starbug): What if the Hunter is pulled
in behind us?  We don't know what kind of trail we're leaving.
Kochanski: No, no, we made sure ah that.  Lister spent months with Kryten
working out the bugs.  He wanted to be sure he was undetected when he made
his getaways.  The space behind us should be immediately sealed once we pass
through the disturbance.  Unless he's got his own gizmo, he's stuck.
Lister: I feel ill.
Toaster: Toast helps soothe the stomach.
Lister: Who unwrapped the little bleeder?
Mulder: Look!
(The swirling colors begin to clear, starting at the center of the anomaly)
Scully: I'm afraid to ask, but....
Lister: Where the smeg are we?
Kochanski: Check the scanner, Moose.
Mulder: Do not call me Moose. Geez. (Glances to the scanner) It says we're
in the year 2034.
Lister: Brutal!!
Mulder: But the strolling device wasn't set, so we only travelled through
time.
Lister: Smeg!
Kochanski: Here, lemme 'ave a go at it. (She types in some commands)  I've
only ever seen Kryten do this. (She presses the button Holly considerately
had the skutters label "start")
(Colors begin to swirl and turbulence rocks the shuttle)
Lister (over the rumbling): Starbug can't take much more of this!
(The colors fade and a planet lies before them)
Scully: Can I ask a pointless question?
Mulder: Join the club.
Scully: Where are we trying to go?
Lister: Eh, back to Earth.
Kochanski: Yes.
Mulder: No.  We have to find the others.  We need to get back to Red Dwarf.
Lister: Damn.  He's right.  What is this planet?
Kochanski: Uh oh.  It looks familiar.
(Surface shuttles appear on the scanner with their weapons powered up)
Kochanski: Ah, I remember.  Lister looted their precious metals with Red
Dwarf's mining equipment.  They only inhabit half the planet where the
climate is decent.  We managed to ravage the rest of the land.
Lister: Are there any nearby moons or asteroids they can mine off of?
Kochanski: Sure, plenty.  But they're still a bit annoyed.
Lister: Alright, who wants to take a crack at this thing next?
Scully: Ooh, let me try.  (She types in some commands and the colors begin
to swirl.  Starbug's hinges rattle and some hopefully nonessential bits
fly off into space)
Kochanski: Ya never really get used ta this bit.
Lister: Yeah, we kinda noticed.
(As the colors swirl to their brilliance, Holly's face appears on the
screen)
Holly: Transport complete.
Lister: Hol!!
Ace: Welcome home, Skipper.
Lister (turning round): Ace!
Kochanski (incredulous): Rimmer??
Ace: Call me Ace.
Scully: Don't tell me it worked?
Mulder: Nice planning, Skulls.
Ace: Let's get you heroes back aboard the small rouge one, shall we?
Holly: Wait, I only count four.  Where's the fifth?
FutureLister: Right here.  (points an unattended bazookoid at the startled
group)
Toaster: Now is this the kind of thing I should have spoken up about?
FutureLister: (turning the weapon on the toaster) Shut the smeg up!!!
(Lister jumps him from behind and Ace leaps in front of the blasting
bazookoid, saving the toaster's grill.  Lister manages to disarm his future
self and, at the same time, jump start the second big bang.  No wait, that
doesn't happen just yet.  Ok, he gets the bazookoid and Scully injects the
evil twin with a tranquilizer located in the first aid kit.  Kochanski helps
Ace to his feet)
Toaster: Why, Mr. Rimmer, sir!!
Ace: No need for thanks little fella.  Just doin' my job.
Toaster: What a guy.  A guy like that deserves a few rounds of waffles for
his efforts.
Ace: No thanks.  I do believe that lunch is on Krissy.  (He winks at
Kochanski)
Kochanski: (moves close to Ace and brushes the hair out of his face. She
speaks softly, lovingly) Go ta hell, Rimmer.
Lister: Hey, you're right.  That rhymed with "scum."  How *does* she do
that?
Ace: I can get this kind of abuse with my snideness in tact, so, if you don't
mind, I'd like to be returned to my, (gulps) normal state.
Lister: Aw, c'mon Ace!  Get over it.  We'll take your advice and head back
to Red Dwarf.
(Holly's face is replaced by Kryten)
Kryten: Ah, good, it is them!
Mulder (pushing him aside): Scully!!  Thank God you're safe!
Scully: Oh, hello, Mulder.
Mulder: You don't seem pleased to see me.  Didn't you miss me?
Scully: No.  It's like we were never parted. (She pulls Danny closer to her
so Mulder can get a glimpse)
Mulder: Not another me!!
Lister: Yeah, he's right.  Three are three too many.  Could ya find a form
more appealing?
(Mulder scowls at Lister.  Danny morphs into a toaster)
Lister: That's not funny.
(The shuttles approach Red Dwarf and enter Bay 47.  Holly transfers herself
back onto the monitors throughout the ship.  The future Lister is left in
Quarantine without the aid of any Felicitus Populi)
(Lister, Ace, Cat, Kryten, Mulder, Scully, Mulder2, Scully2, Danny, Toaster,
Kochanski, and Holly  convene in the drive room for debriefing.)
Lister: It's awful crowded in here.
Kryten: That's precisely the problem.  Too many people are here that should
be millions of years away from us, not to mention those who belong in
alternate timelines.
Lister: I thought that's what it was.
Holly: I see you all looking at me expectantly.  What do you think I'm gonna
do?  I had enough trouble clearing a spot for the extra Starbug you managed
to pick up along the way.
Ace: C'mon, Hol, find a way home for these lovely guests.
Holly: Oh, is that all?
Lister: No, it's not.  Get a connection with the Kinitawowi ship and tell
them I'm all set for me honeymoon.

Chapter 13
  Previous  next

Holly: Alrighty...first things first. Everyone in here should move out of
the monitor's view.
(people scramble around the room. Khhkh's father appears on the monitor)
Khhkh's Father: Who is it?? Everyone on board that ship is dead...
Holly: Oi...I'm Holly. The ship's computer.
Father: What do you want?
Holly: Well, you see, I've been thinking. I kinda lied to you, and I don't
want to go to Silicon Hell. Everyone on the ship is dead, except for your
son-in-law...
Father: WHAT?!?!?
Holly: And I decided to let you have him if you spare me.
Father: I agree to these terms.
Holly: Goodie. I'll send your ship his coordinates.
(Suddenly, the future Lister appears standing next to Khhk's father)
FutureLister: What the smeg? Where am I?
Father: Grab him!!
(several guards grab the alternate Lister)
Father (to AltLister): We have you at last, unwashed one!! Now you will use
the wedding bed with my daughter, and we shall be there to make sure you
perform your duties.
FutureLister: Duties? Look, spacetrash, if you don't let me go...
Holly: Sorry Dave. Had to. Good luck!
FutureLister: Holly? Help me Holly!
Holly: Sorry Dave, I can't help you with THAT! It's something you have to
learn on your own. Have fun!
(the guards take the future Lister away, presumably to the bedroom)
FutureLister (yelling from off screen): I'll get you all for this!
Father: You have returned him to us. We shall let you go. Do you know what
has become of the Hunter?
Holly: Well, he might be dead, but we thought that about three times already.
Father: Ah well....he was trouble anyway. Goodbye Holly. I am sorry that
I had to kill your crew.
Holly: That's ok. Sometimes I feel like they're still here with me.
(the alternate Lister's voice can be heard from off screen)
FutureLister (voice): Me smeggin' WIFE?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Khhk's father disappears from the monitor, which now shows the Kinitawowi
ship fading into the distance, until it disappears from view)
Lister: Way to go, Hol!
Kryten: I swear Holly, sometimes you lie better than a human!
Ace: Holly, if you were a real person, I'd buy you a drink and ask you back
to my place.
Holly: Sheesh...thanks gang. Now, what about the other Mulder and Scully?
Kryten: I've been thinking about that. They are from another time, and most
likely from another dimension.
Mulder2: We don't belong here. Our mission is over.
Kryten: With your permission sir, I would like to take the other Scully and
Mulder onto Starbug. With the new Time Stroller, I believe I can get them
 back to where they're supposed to be.
Lister: Sure man, go right ahead.
Mulder2: Well (looks around), goodbye to all of you, and good luck.
(Ace walks up and dips Scully2, slowly kissing her. After several minutes
and several "ahem"s, he stops. Scully2 is in a daze)
Ace: Mulder...(shakes Mulder2's hand), it's been damn good to know you.
Mulder2: Thanks, Ace.
Scully2 (still looking at Ace): Ummm....bye everyone.
(Kryten walks to the landing bay with Scully2 and Mulder2)
Cat: Why can't I ever spend time with another me? I know what it is. There
must be some kind of universal law about two heavenly bodies being in the
same place!
Lister: Heavenly body?? It's more like a gas-filled dense planetoid, if you
ask me.
Scully (watching the monitors): There they go.
(On the monitor, Starbug pulls away from Red Dwarf and enters a dimensional
fissure created by the Time Stroller. Soon after, two Starbugs come out of
the hole, do a u-turn, and reenter the hole. After a few seconds, a single
Starbug comes out of the hole, which then seals itself up, and docks with
Red Dwarf.)
Mulder: I hope Kryten knew what he was doing.
Ace: Kryters is a hell of a guy.
Kochanski: Yeah...the Kryten I was with was a greedy, self-centered jerk.
Of course, it was the other Lister which taught him everything he knew.
Cat: Say, should we get the old Rimmer back now, or should we wait for,
say........, oh, thirty or forty years?
Lister: It looks like things are calming down finally. What do you say, Ace?
Ace: Well, for as much as I can't stand the maggot, he is a part of the crew.
Just remember everyone, that I'm here when you need me.
(Lister picks up Danny, who is in his emohawk form, and places him in Ace's
hands)
Lister: You know what to do, Danny.
Ace: Well crew, once again I fought side-by-side with some of the best blokes
in the known universe. Until next time, smoke me a kipper....
Everyone (in unison): ...and you'll be back for breakfast.
Ace: Damn. I need a new line.
(Danny extends his sucker, making retching sounds. Ace's hair shrinks, and
his poise and confidence disappear leaving, well, Rimmer. Rimmer throws
Danny away from him. Danny turns into a feather and drifts slowly to the
ground)
Rimmer: AHHHHHH!! That little git was throwing up my emotions into me!!!
Cat: Yeah...they probably made it sick to it's stomach.
(Kryten walks into the drive room)
Lister: Welcome back, Kryt!!
Toaster: I think this would be a good time for toast!
(Lister whaps the Toaster)
Toaster: Ow.
Mulder: Did everything go ok?
Scully: And why did we see two Starbugs come back, and leave?
Kryten: Well, you see, being that there are an infinite number of parallel
universes, I knew that somewhere there had to be an empty Starbug, since
everything that is possible exists in one of the dimensions. I put the other
Scully and Mulder into suspended animation, and I traveled the dimensions
looking for the empty Starbug until I found it.
Lister: How long did that take??
Krtyen: Oh, in human time, only 419 years.
Rimmer: 419 years?!?!
Kryten: It was quite exciting, sir. I've seen universes that people have
never even dreamed of. I've seen worlds where sunsets never end and I've
seen worlds where plants live like people. I've talked to rainbows and I've
been to universes where music is alive. Sir...I've even been to worlds where
Mr.Rimmer has sex on a regular basis!
Rimmer: Really?
Kryten: Ha ha. Of course not. Some things aren't possible even in other
universes.
Rimmer: You metallic goit.
Kryten: Anyway, once I found an empty Starbug, which turned out to be the
one the other Mr. Mulder and Ms. Scully had origianlly piloted into our
universe and was docked in our Bay 47, I woke up the other Mr. Mulder and Ms.
Scully, and beamed them over to it. They followed me back to this time, and
since the universe where they came from was mathmatically close to this one,
it was just a matter of hours before we stumbled across it, and they went on
their way.
Kochanski: Brilliant, Kryten.
Rimmer: Sounds a bit time consuming to me.
Lister: Well, everything looks to be in order now. We have the original four
of us here, Holly, the Toaster, Danny (changes shape from a feather into a
puppy), Mulder, Scully, and Kris.
Rimmer: What about Kochanski? She isn't from this universe. Shouldn't she go
back to where she's from?
Kochanski: No. (Looking at Lister) I think I like it here.
(Lister smiles at her, and she smiles back.)
Rimmer: Well, what about these two? (looks at Mulder and Scully) They don't
belong here. We still don't know how the smeg they got here or why.
Holly: I believe that everyone is forgetting something.
Cat: What is it?
Holly: That we have a Starbug that can time travel.
Lister: She's right...we can drop these two off where they belong and then
we can do whatever we want. My God....I can go back to Earth.
Rimmer: Well, that's all fine and dandy, but let's drop these two off first,
ok? I still don't trust them. (Looks at Scully and winks) Unless....they
show me that they can be trusted...
Scully: Not in a million universes, Rimmer.
Lister: Let's get to Starbug.
(everyone goes to the landing bay and boards Starbug. Starbug leaves the bay
and moves away from the ship)
Holly: Ok....we're ready.
Kryten: Now...I've done some studying on the Time Stroller while I was in
the other universes.
Lister: That's why you wanted to bring it?
Kryten: Exactly. I think I can work it now. Allow me.
(Kryten pushes some buttons, and the ship is engulfed by a swirling,
prismatic cloud. Slowly, the cloud vanishes, and through Starbug's window,
the planet Earth slowly spins)
Lister (softly): Earth.....
Kryten: Voila!!! Now, we can return Mr. Mulder and Ms. Scully to their
planet.
Rimmer: What year is it here?
Kryten: Well, according to what Mr. Mulder has told me, we should be here
only seconds after they disappeared and ended up on Red Dwarf....in the
year 1996.
Lister: 1996. Sounds like a good year. I seem to remember learning some
stuff about it in school...when I stayed awake. Kryten, can I go down there
with them? Just for a second....
Rimmer: I would like to go, too.
Kryten: We can all go, but someone has to stay on board the ship to activate
the transporter. Something happened to it when I was travelling, and now it
can't be patched into Holly's controls.
Lister: Cat, you wanna stay behind?
Cat: You got it buddy.
Lister: Great. Give us, oh, 15 minutes down there and beam us back up, ok??
Cat: 15 minutes....I got it.
Toaster: Can I go too??
Everyone: NO!
Mulder: We'll look for a cute little female toaster for you though, ok???
Toaster: OK!!! I'm a four toast-slot man myself, so if you could find
one....
Mulder (smiling): I'll look around.
Holly: You'd better get going....
Lister: Ok....everyone grab onto another person. 15 minutes Cat!!!
(everyone grabs onto another person. Lister picks up Danny)
Holly: Have fun!
Lister: Here we go. Push the button Cat.
(Cat pushes the button, and seconds later, everyone is standing in an
  office. Lister walks over to the window and looks out at the sky.)
Lister: It's Earth. I'm home.
(everyone walks over to the window)
Lister: Look at that sky. It's beautiful.
Cat: It sure is.
(everyone turns to look at Cat)
Cat: I know I tapped you on the shoulder to ask you something. What was it?
Oh yeah....you said 15 minutes, right?
Lister: Oh no.
Kryten: Sir, I think we may have a problem.
(Suddenly, the door opens and Mulder and Scully's boss, Skinner, walks in)
Skinner: Agents Mulder and Scully, I have a new....(looks up)....what the
hell? Who are these people?
(far above the Earth, Starbug waits)
Holly: Cat!!! Oi...Cat!! Where are you?
Toaster: He beamed down with everyone else.
Holly: What?!?!?
Toaster: He's down there. They should have brought me. Maybe someone down
there would like some toast. Would you like some toast?
Holly: Oh smeg.
 

Chapter 14
  Previous  next

Skinner: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Lister: Yo, chill, man.  We're not stayin'.
Skinner: I beg your pardon?
Lister: We gotta split.  Catch ya later! (he starts to lead the group past
Skinner, but Skinner stretches his arm out and blocks the doorway)
Skinner: Not so fast.  Mulder, care to explain?
Mulder: No, not really, sir.
Kryten: I think that perhaps I can explain.
Skinner: Shut up.
Kryten: Yes, sir.
Skinner: Am I to understand that these, how can I put this delicately,
delinquents, are not registered with the tour group?
Scully: That's correct.
Skinner: Well, that's good in one respect, being that this is a restricted
area and off limits to all tour personnel.  However, since it is such a
classified location, it is off limits to all civilians, as you well know.
 And, I can pretty much assume that these are indeed civilians.  So, who's
going to tell me why these people, and I use the term loosely, are in this
office?
(Lister opens his mouth)
Skinner: And the answer had damn well better come from someone who is damn
well supposed to be here.
(Lister shuts his mouth)
Scully: They're part of a case we're working on.
Skinner: What case is this?  I haven't assigned you any cases for weeks.
Mulder: We're following a lead from one of our old cases.  A very old case.
Skinner: Is that so?
Scully: Yes, sir.  In fact you yourself expressed some interest in the report
we filed on this case.
Skinner: Remind me a little.
Mulder: Yes, Scully, do bring Mr. Skinner up to speed.
Scully: I'd be delighted to.  We were involved with a group of circus
performers and you found it difficult to believe the things they were able
to do.
Skinner: Ah, yes.  That one man had an outstanding ability to ignore his
pain.
Rimmer: I assure you, sir, that wasn't me.
Skinner: So, who was it?  (walks over to Lister)  You, perhaps?
Lister: No, man, it was him.  (points to Kryten)
Kryten (frowning): Er, yes.
Cat: He didn't even flinch when we got together and did that to his head.
Skinner: Why do you have teeth like a vampire?  This isn't some kind of
hoax, is it agent Mulder?
Cat (insulted): I'm a cat!
Skinner: Of course you are.  Look, I haven't got time for this.  I want them
and their pets out of here yesterday!
Scully: Yes, they were just leaving. (She ushers the group out of the room.
 They head down the hall as she and Mulder turn back to Skinner)
Mulder: We're really sorry about that.  There was no other place to
interview them without creating a spectacle of ourselves or them.
Skinner: Just get clearance next time, ok?
Mulder: Yeah, sure.
Skinner: Wait, one last thing.  NASA has discovered a shuttle in orbit
directly above Washington DC.  I want you to find out what you can and
report back directly to me.  The President's life may be in danger.
Scully: Yes, sir.  Expect to hear from us soon.
(The two agents go rushing out of the office and Skinner moves over to the
window.  He looks down to the street and sees the misfits from the office
running around like maniacs)

Lister: This is in-smeggin'-credible!!!
Kochanski: I never thought I'd see this place again.
Rimmer: I suppose it has some of that old world charm.
Cat: I can't believe you wanted me to stay on that rusting garbage can while
you were gonna live it up down here!
Lister: Keep your fur on!  We're all gonna live it up down here, just a
few hundred years in the future.
Kryten: Yes, but how do we get back to Starbug?
Lister: Can we contact Holly?
Kryten: We should be able to.  Suggest we find a less public location.
Rimmer: Agreed.  Let's go.
(Mulder and Scully rush up)
Mulder: Bad news.
Scully: They found Starbug.
Lister: Wha', already?
Mulder: They think it's some kind of foreign craft sent to assassinate the
President.
Rimmer: Who is the President?
Lister: He's the guy that runs the place.
Rimmer: I KNOW!  Which one are you up to?
Scully: Don't you know your history?
Rimmer: Only up through the Napoleonic Wars.
Mulder: And what wars they were, right folks?  Come on, let's go.
(The group trudges along following Mulder and Scully who lead them to a dark
corner of a parking garage)
Lister: Kryten can you think of a way to get us back to the Bug?
Kryten: No, the technology here isn't advanced enough to be of much use.
 I'm afraid we'll have to rely on Holly and the Toaster for our safe return.
Rimmer: As if that little metal bread-obsessed goit is going to rescue us.
Cat: What, are you relying on the head?
Rimmer: We're doomed, aren't we?
Lister: Listen guys, it's not as bad as all that.  I mean, we're on Earth!
Kryten: Yes, but the Cat and I do not fit in.  Eventually we will be
discovered.
Lister (warming up to the idea): This is *Earth*!
Rimmer: What about me?
Kryten: In less than half an hour your hard light drive will run out of
reserve power.  It would be extremely difficult to recharge you without
the resources available on Starbug.
Rimmer: So I'm going to die?  I mean, again?  This just isn't fair!
Kochanski: Rimmer, knock it off.  Try to contribute something worthwhile,
alright?
Rimmer: I never liked you.
Kochanski: The feeling is more than mutual.
Scully: This is not the time or the place for arguing.  We need to figure
something out.
Mulder: She's right, this is pointless.
Lister: Y'know, I don't see what the prob is.  This is Earth.  I am home.
 The rest of you do what you like.
Scully: But, Dave, your friends' lives are at stake.  They won't be safe
until they're back on Starbug.
Lister: But I've still got me plan.  I'm catching the first flight to Fiji.
 Are you with me Kris?  Danny?  (The emohawk morphs into a black domestic
cat, unevolved)  Brutal.  Good luck gettin' back to Holly.  Give her my
love.
 (He reaches for Kochanski's hand)
Kochanski: I'll be along in just a minute.  (Lister walks away from the
stunned group carrying his cat)
Kochanski (turning to Scully): What do you know, you trumped up government
official?  He's been alone in deep space for three million years.  Can't
ya just leave 'im alone and let 'im enjoy 'is homecomin'?
Scully (stepping forward): You pathetic excuse for a space corps officer!
 Don't you realize that this is *not* his home?  He's still several hundred
years off!  You can't just ignore the consequences of time travel, you know.

Kochanski (calming down): Yes, I know.  (Sighs)  I'll try to get him back,
but I don't know if he'll listen.
Scully: If the two of you stay, you'll regret it for the rest of your lives.
(Kochanski nods and runs off after Lister)
Mulder: Their accents go well together, don't they?
Rimmer: She never deserved to be an officer.  I took that test a dozen times
more than she did.
Kryten: This is not good.
Cat: Why's that?
Kryten: Holly will be searching for a specified group.  If we split up, it
will take her longer to find us.
Cat: Longer than eternity?
Kryten: Possibly.
Rimmer: I'll go after them.  If anyone can talk some sense into him, it's
me, not her.
Mulder: You shouldn't go alone.
Scully: I'll go with him.
Mulder: You shouldn't go with him alone.
Scully: We can't all go.  You help Kryten get where he needs to be in order
to try to contact Holly or build some kind of device or just keep him out of
sight.  Cat, keep your mouth closed.  I'll go with Rimmer and try to bring
them back or at least keep track of them.
Mulder: Be careful.  Still have that cellular?
Scully: Yes.
Mulder: Stay in touch.
(Scully and Rimmer head off in search of Kochanski and Lister)
Mulder: Ok, gang, let's go.
(He leads Kryten and Cat to his apartment)
Mulder: You guys can crash here for a while.  Kryten, I'm all hooked up to
the internet, if that helps.  I can only think of one other possible answer.

Kryten: What's that, sir?
Mulder (getting some masking tape
 out of the kitchen): We wait.  (He rips off
two pieces of tape and attaches them to his window.  He shines his desk lamp
on them, then he sits on the couch as Cat commandeers his bedroom and Kryten
gets onto the information superhighway)

Rimmer: We'll never find them in a city this size.
Scully: Stop being so negative.  I have a feeling they're going to stand
out a bit.
Rimmer: Where do we start?
Scully: The airport.

Kochanski: Dave!  Wait up!
Lister (turning around): Hey, c'mon, I don't wanna miss the flight to Fiji.
Kochanski: What's so special about Fiji?
Lister (puts his arm around her waist): We're gonna live there, and we're
gonna have sheep and cows and breed horses.  And you're gonna ride the
horses, and when it snows, I'm gonna grit the path with.....
Kochanski: With what?
Lister: Remind me to give Holly a smack the next time I see her.
Kochanski: You won't see her.
Lister: Sure I will.
Kochanski: How do ya figure?
Lister: Well, when she wakes me up tomorrow morning with her awoogas and
emergency warnings.
Kochanski: Dave, we're home.  We won't see Holly anymore.  She's in Starbug
and about to be shot down by various governments, and the Toaster along
with her.
(The emohawk morphs into a bright red ball and bounces out of Lister's hands)
Lister: Hey, come back here!
(They race after the emohawk, back the way they came)

Rimmer: Slow down, what's the rush?
Scully: Have you been paying attention?  (She pulls out her cellular phone)
Rimmer: Yes, but why do you care so much?  You're home, this is our problem.
Scully (dialing): I'm just a wonderful person, what can I say.  (She holds
the phone to her ear as it begins to ring)
Mulder: Mulder.
Scully: It's me.
Mulder: Did you find them?
Scully: Not yet, but we're close.  I can smell the curry.
Mulder: Cute.  Where you headed?
(Mulder hears a crash from the other end)
Mulder: Scully???

(The emohawk bounces happily down the sidewalk, delighted at the open
spaces. She sees someone she knows.  Her mind races with hundreds of plans,
thousands of shapes enter her mind and are dismissed.  She likes it where
she is.  It's perfect for her objective...)

(Rimmer sulks beside Scully as she chats amicably with Mulder.  He knows
that she doesn't want to be there with him.  She's only coming along because
she wants to see Lister again.  What is it about that guy that made him able
to, well, attract women?  A blur whizzes by Rimmer's head and he turns just
in time to see it all begin...)

(Scully smiles as Mulder appreciates her quip about Lister's favorite food.
 She opens her mouth to answer him when a bright red ball bounces into her
head and knocks the phone away from her.  It clatters to the sidewalk and
she drops to her knees, shocked by the occurrence.  She can hear Mulder
faintly calling to her through the phone, but Rimmer's scream catches her
attention...)

(The emohawk purrs to itself as it slams into agent Scully.  She'll be fine.
 It then stops in front of Rimmer and begins a countdown.)

Rimmer: Dana, are you ok?
...3....
Rimmer (looking around): Who threw that ball?
...2...
Rimmer: Oh no, somebody help me, the power's going!!
...1...
Rimmer: NNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
...0...

(The emohawk chirps with excitement as Rimmer's form dissolves.  It spots
the light bee through the transparent hologram and launches it's bouncing
self directly at the floating object...)

(Lister races down the sidewalk, he can't see the emohawk anymore.  He
worries that it might bounce out into the traffic.  He rounds the corner
in time to see the light bee shimmer in the afternoon sun)

(Kochanski races after Lister, finding it difficult to keep up.  She loses
sight of the emohawk before he does, but she's able to follow his path
through the crowds on the street.  She rounds the corner in time to see
Lister dive...)

(The last image Rimmer sees is the red ball hurtling straight towards him.
 He tries to raise his arms to defend himself, but the power is gone.
 He vanishes...)

(The red ball careens into the defenseless light bee and sends it flying.
 The ball rolls to a stop at the curb, and the emohawk morphs into a black
domestic cat.  She watches as the light bee glints in the sunlight and then
clatters into the street...)

(Lister puts his head down and starts pumping with his arms.  The light bee
is flying through the air.)
Lister: RRRIIIMMMEEEERRR!!!!!!

(Scully watches the flight of the light bee and struggles to her feet.
She sees the oncoming car about the same time as Lister feels it...)

(Kochanski watches in horror as Lister dives out in front of the car.  What
is he thinking?)

(Lister thinks about many things as he races towards the falling light bee.
 He thinks about the many times Rimmer had put him on report, and the time
Rimmer had laughed as he'd plummeted into the cargo bay.  He thinks about
Rimmer's boring Risk stories and his constant complaints about death.  His
pace slows.  Then he thinks about Rimmer's personality and his sense of
duty. He slows some more.  But, dammit, Rimmer's his best mate, whether he
likes it or not.  True, Rimmer would never know this, Lister would be sure of
that, but there was a kind of bond that couldn't be ignored.  Lister
accelerates to his top speed and dives for the light bee with his hands out
stretched. He makes a spectacular grab and lands full force on the hardness
of the black macadam that is the street.  He hears tires screech...)

(Scully screams and covers her eyes...)

(Kochanski turns away and covers her eyes...)

(Rimmer's light bee flickers with fear...)

(The emohawk's tail flicks with agitation...)

(The driver slams on the breaks...)

(Lister wraps himself around the light bee to protect it as the car squeals
itself nearer to him...)

(Mulder clutches his phone so hard that his knuckles are white.  He listens
tensely to the screams and screeching tires...)

(Scully and Kochanski hear a .  They uncover their eyes and rush out
into the street.  The light bee rolls away from the unconscious Lister...)

(The emohawk sits on the curb puzzled.  She probably should have launched
herself on the beat *after* zero...)

(A man in a trench coat gently picks up the light bee as the driver emerges
from the car)

Driver: I'm so sorry!!  I didn't even see him until it was too late!
Scully: Dave! Can you hear me?
Kochanski: Dave??
Driver: Geez, I mean, I tried to stop, but he wasn't there a second ago!
Kochanski: Do ya think it's safe ta move him?
Scully: No, not until he regains consciousness.  (She begins carefully
examining him)  Nothing's broken.  Probably just a concussion - he was
lucky.

(The emohawk morphs into an ice pack which Kochanski hands to Scully)
 Scully: Thanks.  (She touches the ice pack to Lister's bruised and bleeding
forehead)  It looks worse than it actually is.
(Lister stirs)
Lister: mmmmr
Kochanski: What did he say?
Scully: I don't know.
Kochanski: Dave, what is it?
Scully: Don't crowd him.
Lister: mmmmmer
Kochanski: What?
Scully: Take it easy, Dave.  You're going to be fine.  Just relax.
(Lister opens his eyes and winces.  He licks his lips and manages a hoarse
whisper)
Lister:  Rimmer?  Is he alright?
Kochanski (to Scully): You sure it's just a concussion?
Scully: Rimmer!  Where's Rimmer?
(The man in the trench coat kneels down beside her and, with a wink, slips
the light bee into her hand.  Scully's eyes widen as she recognizes Bexley.)
Scully: He's, uh fine, Dave.  You saved his life.  (She looks at the light
bee)  The light bee is undamaged.
(Lister smiles and loses consciousness again)
Driver: He nearly died to save a silver marble?
Kochanski: It sure looks that way.
Driver: Well, tell him to keep looking for some others, he's lost more than
just that one.  Do you need me to stick around?  I mean, here's my card and
all, it's just
 that I'm late for this meeting.  See, that's me, right there,
the top number on the right?  Ok?  Have your insurance people call me, or
don't, you know, whatever you decide.  (He hops into his car, backs up, and
drives around the fallen form of Lister)  Damn tourists.
Kochanski: We should sue his ass off.
Scully: We don't have time for that.
Kochanski (looks around): Dave thinks we could.
Scully: Do you want to stay?
Kochanski: Nah.  I don't belong here.  But technically I don't belong
anywhere.  I'm supposed to be dead.  The other Lister would have stayed here
and made a killing in the stock market or something.  But this Lister....he
just wanted to live out a quiet life in Fiji.  I want him to be happy.
Scully: I want him to be happy, too.  Really, I do.  But, even if he doesn't
know it yet, he won't be happy here.  He's just proved that by risking his
life for Rimmer of all people.
Kochanski (laughing): Yeah, wait'll he wakes up and realizes what he's done!
(Lister stirs again.  He opens his eyes and looks up at Scully and Kochanski
who are standing above him and laughing hysterically)
Lister: Uh, you guys wanna get me outta the street?
(Scully and Kochanski help Lister to his feet.  He sways a bit, but
eventually regains his balance.  The emohawk morphs back into a puppy and
fetches the phone which has begun to emit the name "Scully" over and over.
 Scully takes the phone from the puppy)
Scully: You still there, Mulder?
Mulder: Oh, ha ha.  What happened?
Scully: We found them.
Mulder: Oh, is that all?  The rest of them are at my place.  Get here as
soon as you can.
Scully: We're on our way.  (She presses the "off" button and pockets the
phone)  We've got to get to Mulder's place.  (Turns to Bexley)  Thank you.
Bexley: Ah, it was nothing.
Lister (slowly turns towards the voice.  He squints): Bex?
Bexley: The one and only!  Well, at least in this universe....on this earth,
anyway....I think.....
Lister (staggers closer to Bexley and looks in his eyes): How are you?
 Where's Jim?
Bexley:  Don't worry, Mom, we're both fine.  I've gone into the family
counseling business.
(Kochanski and Scully raise their eyebrows)
Lister: Family counseling?  You come from the most disfunctional family in
existence, and you're giving other people advice?  (Lister laughs.  Then he
touches his hand to his head)  Ouch.
Bexley: I don't know if I'd have gone to such lengths to save Rimmer myself,
but even he doesn't deserve to be flattened by a BMW.
(Scully touches Lister's arm)
Lister: We've gotta go.  It was great seein' ya.  (They shake hands and
Bexley tips his hat to Scully and Kochanski.)
Scully: Come on, let's go.
Lister (being helped down the street by Scully and Kochanski.  He tries to
reconstruct the accident): What the smeg happened?  I remember.....I remember
the bright red ball, and....and it hit you (he looks at Scully)....then....it
hit Rimmer's light bee....then....oh, ay.  I did, didn't I?  I saved that
smeghead's light bee.
Kochanski: You're a hero.
Lister: Smeggin' hell.

(....meanwhile, many miles above the Earth's crust....)
Toaster: So what the smeg are you going to do?
Holly: Don't rush me, I'm thinking.
Toaster: Just don't bang your head on the screen any more.  That's not a
great confidence booster.
Holly: Just don't mention any more bready products!  I am a computer, I can't
eat.  Gordon Bennet, I've explained this a million times!!
Toaster: Can I ask just one more question?
Holly: NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!
 

Chapter 15
  Previous  next

(Half an hour later. Everyone except Lister is gathered around a table at
Mulder's place. Rimmer's light bee is on the table.)
Scully: Ok, let's see what we've got here. Kryten, did you find anything on
the Internet?
Kryten: Yes I did. I managed to get myself a ship from the Zeti Reticular
star system, but it was destroyed by SexBomb Bob's Universe Armada.
Kochanski: My God...is the Earth in any danger from this Armada?
Mulder: I doubt it....he's talking about an Internet game.
Scully: A game?? We have to get you people back up to space, and you were
playing a game???
Kryten: Ms. Scully....you must remember that it is 1996, and the Internet is
still in its infancy.
Scully: Yes...but...a game?? Mulder, what do you think of this?
Mulder: Kryten, I'm very disappointed in you. If you would have searched your
ship, you would have found a BlitzBomb in the cargo hold that would have
destroyed the Armada.
Kryten: Really?? Ummmm...lie mode on....I'll be right back. I just thought of
a new lead I can follow on the Internet. (he stands)
Scully: Kryten, get your tin butt back on that chair. (he sits). I can't
 believe this. We got to get you people back to Starbug, and Kryten is
 addicted to video games. Mulder, how did you know what game he's talking
 about?
Mulder (shrugging): All work and no play....
Scully: Kryten, did you find anything of use on the Internet?? Something we
can get our hands on?
(Kryten puts a piece of paper on the table)
Scully: What is that?
Kryten: It's several e-mail addresses of women who hit on me on the different
chat lines I went on. Several of these women described things that I thought
were physically impossible for humans.
Scully: Oh God. (She puts her head down on the table. Over her head, Mulder
 motions for Kryten to hand him the addresses. Kryten gives him the paper.
Mulder puts it in his pocket and gives Kryten a thumbs up. Scully raises her
head.) What are we going to do?
(Suddenly, Lister's bellowing fills the air from another room)
Cat: That poor guy. He must be in a lot of pain.
Scully: He seemed ok last time I checked on him. I'll go look.
(Scully leaves the room)
Cat: I still can't believe that he risked his life to save goalpost head.
Kryten: Now now....how can you be sure that Mr. Rimmer would not have done
the same for Mr. Lister?
Kochanski: Kryten, we're talking about a guy that four people had to hold
 down when he got his Space Corps booster shot. Do you think he would have
 pitched himself under a car to save Lister?
(Scully comes into the room)
Cat: Is he ok?
Scully: Well, that sound you heard before wasn't pain. It was him laughing.
Kochanski: Laughing? What did he say?
Scully: He looked at me and said "These Beavis and Butthead blokes really
 crack me oop!". Apparently he found some of Mulders videotapes. Ummmm....
 Mulder....Beavis and Butthead?
Mulder (smiling): Oh damn, I must have taped the wrong channel again. I meant
to tape The Discovery Channel.
(Lister walks into the room carrying Danny. He sits in the empty chair at the
table. He sets Danny, who is still in cat form, on the table. Danny starts
pawing at Rimmer's light bee)
Mulder: There has to be some way we can get you back up to Starbug.
Lister: I'm in no hurry. (He smiles at Kochanski)
Mulder: We know, but we can't have Cat and Kryten walking around looking like
they do.
Cat: Buddy, the only problem you have with the way I look is that it ain't
the way YOU look.
Mulder: Well, I guess you can walk around like that if you don't mind some
 weirdo trying to put a wooden stake through your heart.
Cat: As long as he don't rip my suit.
Lister: That's what I came in here for. I had an idea about what we can do.
Mulder: You wanna try sanding his teeth down?
Lister: Nah. Even better. (Lister taps Danny. She stops pawing the light bee
 and slinks over to Cat.) Why just change the fangs?
Cat (looking at Danny): Hi kitty kitty!! What does he mean by th.....oh
no.....
no no no no.......
(Cat stands up to try to get away. Danny changes into her emohawk form and
attaches her mouth to Cat's forehead. Suddenly, Cat is gone, and in his
 place is a buck-toothed dork)
Lister: Everyone...say hello to Duane Dibbley.
(Mulder, Scully, and Kochanski mutter a surprised "hello")
Duane: Hiya! (sets his thermos down on the table and sits down, banging his
knee against the table). Ow ow owwww!!!
Mulder: I see...just like Danny had the power to change Rimmer into Ace, she
can change Cat into this Duane guy. I wonder what Danny would eat from me.
Scully: Hopefully not your wit. Poor girl would starve.
Mulder: Oh...ha ha.
Kryten: What about me sirs? I stick out like a Scottish shepherd's kilt.
Lister: There isn't much we can do for you, Kryten.
(Lister puts a hat on Kryten's head and sunglasses on his face. He hands
him an overcoat. Kryten stands up and puts the coat on.)
Mulder: Not bad. Now you just look like the average street freak.
Kryten: Thank you sir.
Scully (to Lister): Now what are we gonna do about getting you home?
Lister: I AM home. Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten are the ones you have to get home.
Scully: Dave, you can't stay here in the past.
Lister: Why not?
Scully: Because you don't belong here. What if you do something that will
  have some effect on the future? If you change the future, you will cease
 to exist because you are FROM the future. What about Rimmer's future?? Or
Kryten's??
Duane: Or mine? (accidently knocks over the thermos)
Kryten: I think you should listen to them, Mr. Lister.
Lister (standing up): No...I will not listen to them. I'm home, and I'm with
 Kochanski. I even have the smeggin' perfect pet. Right now, I am going to
  catch an airplane with Krissie and Danny, and fly off into the sunset.
Kryten and Cat, it's been a smeggin' great time with you two. When you get
 back to the ship, give Holly a kiss for me. And when you power up Rimmer,
 tell the smegger that he owes me one.
(Lister picks up Danny, who has changed back into cat form. He holds out
his hand to Kochanski. She looks at Scully and shrugs. She takes his hand.
They walk to the door. Lister turns around.)
Lister: I really will miss all of you, but I'm home, and I'm with Kris.
That's  all I ever wanted. Thanks for being great mates.
Scully: Dave.....
(Lister walks out the door, and it closes behind him.)
(Mulder, Scully, Kryten, and Duane are still seated at the table. Scully is
worried, and is tossing Rimmer's light bee from hand to hand)
Scully: I can't believe he left.
Kryten: Well, I think anyone in his place would have done the same thing.
All
this time he has tried to get home, and he finally made it.
Scully: If he does anything to change the future.....(she accidently drops
the light bee, which falls to the floor with a loud KLUNK. She picks it back
up and sets it on the table.)
Mulder: Now what should we do?
Scully: I really don't know. Should we have them followed? Kryten, how about
you and Duane come to my place. My computer is a little more advanced than
Mulder's.
Kryten: GREAT!
Scully: And if I find you on any Internet games, I'll melt you down into a
 paperweight for Skinner's office.
(Kryten grumbles)
Mulder: I'll be there in about an hour. I want to clean up.
Scully: Ok. My place in an hour.
(They get up from the table. Duane knocks over his thermos again, which
opens up and spills on the table, and covers Rimmer's light bee in grape
Kool-Aid.)
Duane: Whoops!
Mulder: I'll clean it up, don't worry.
(Scully, Duane, and Kryten leave. Mulder puts the light bee in his
 dishwasher and goes to his room. When he comes out, Mr. X is sitting at the
table.)
Mr. X: Good evening, Agent Mulder.
Mulder: You came.....
Mr. X: I saw the sign in the window. What do you need?
Mulder: It's rather complicated.

Mr. X: It's about the occupants of that spacecraft, isn't it?
Mulder: You know about them?
Mr. X (laughing): Mr. Mulder....it is the governments job to know things.
You
like to think that you know the truth, but you don't. There are truths, and
then there are Truths, with a capital T. One of these Truths is that nothing
is a secret to us. We know there is a spacecraft, and we know that it's
occupants are somewhere on earth. Do you know where they are Agent  Mulder?
Mulder: Maybe they came for a Star Trek convention......
Mr. X: My patience is wearing thin. What did you want me for?
Mulder: I want to know what the government is going to do.
Mr. X: "Do"? It's already in the process of being done. The ship will be
  destroyed in space, and it's occupants will be found and examined. That is
 all I can tell you. (he stands up and walks to the door)
Mulder: Will they kill them?
Mr. X: Agent Mulder....for years you preached that the government knew all
 about aliens. Now, it seems that perhaps you know more about these aliens
 than the goverment does. Is that true?
Mulder: It depends. Is that "true" with a small "t" or a capital "T"?
(Mr. X looks at him suspiciously, and leaves. Mulder shuts the door. He goes
to the dishwasher and opens it. He takes out Rimmer's still soapy light bee
and puts it in his pocket. He looks at the clock.)
Mulder: Well, looks like I'll have to skip the shower. Maybe Lister's
bathing
 habits are contagious.
(He shuts off the lights and leaves for Scully's)

(Lister and Kochanski are walking down the street, with Danny trailing along
behind them)
Lister: If that bloody map was right, the airport should be right around
here.
Kochanski: Maybe we should have listened to them Dave......
Lister: Not a chance. I'm home. And I have you with me.
(Lister smiles at Kochanski, and she smiles back. Danny purrs. A white van
pulls up alongside them in the street. The man in the passenger seat rolls
down his window)
Man: Excuse me....do you know where 32nd street is?
Lister: Sorry...we're not from around here.
Man: Oh really? Out of state?
Lister: No...off of planet.
Man: Really? That's what we thought.
(The door on the side of the van bursts open, and two men are standing
inside
with guns. The first man aims at Kochanski and shoots.
Lister: NOOOOO! Kris...
(The gun goes off with a soft woosh, a dart appears in Kochanski's neck, and
she sinks to the ground. Lister catches her and sets her softly on the
sidewalk.)
Kochanski (groggy): Dave.........(she passes out)
Lister (standing up): What did you do to her, you son of...
(The second man pulls the trigger, and a dart appears in Lister's neck. He
 falls to the ground. Danny starts running away, but a dart hits her in her
 back, and she slumps to the ground. The two men pull Lister, Kochanski, and
Danny into the back of the van. In the back of the van, a man sits holding a
cigarette.
CancerMan: Get them back to the lab, and take them apart piece by piece.
(The door shuts, and the van pulls away from the curb)

(Far above............)
Holly: Ok....listen to me. Moving is a matter of will.
Toaster: But I don't have any legs!
Holly: It doesn't matter! Picture yourself moving in your mind, and you can
do it.
Toaster: But all I can picture in my mind is toast!
Holly: Just do it!!! Picture yourself moving.
(The toaster is quiet)
Holly: Can you see yourself moving?
Toaster: Yes...I'm hopping from waffle to waffle.
Holly: Ok...good. Next time you hop, just let yourself go with the movement.
Toaster (concentrating): Ok....I think I can....I think I can.....
(The toaster suddenly wobbles, and falls over onto its side)
Toaster: Ow.
(Holly shakes her head)

Chapter 16
  Previous  next

(Scully unlocks her door and lets the misfits enter ahead of her.  Duane
trips over the welcome mat and goes careening into Kryten who stumbles
forward.  Scully hears a crash and sighs.  She straightens the mat and
enters
the apartment, l
ocking the door behind her.)
Scully: Kryten, the computer's through there.  Duane, just sit on the couch
and don't touch anything, ok?
Duane: Alrighty.  (He tiptoes over to the couch and sits daintily upon it)
Kryten: Ma'am, I'll need your password.
Scully: Oh no you don't.  I'll join you and enter it myself.  (They head off
towards the other room)
(A knock is heard at the door)
Duane: Miss Scully?  Did you hear that?
(Another knock, more urgent)
Duane: Ma'am?  Someone's at your door?
(Duane shrugs and stands up, knocking over the lamp.  He moves over to the
door and opens it a crack)
Duane: Oh, hello, agent Mulder.  We weren't expecting you for quite some
time.
Mulder: I know.  Look, things are worse than they seem.  (He enters and
re-locks the door) Where are the others?
Duane: They're in there. (He points towards the room into which Scully and
Kryten disappeared.  His hand hits a vase and sends it and the flowers and
water it contained crashing to the floor.  Mulder steps around the various
messes in his path and makes his way into Scully's office, wondering how
Lister could be so cruel as to leave Cat in the form of Duane)
Mulder: Hey.
Scully (turns away from Kryten): What are you doing here so soon?
Mulder: A source paid me a visit.  Things don't look good.  We'd better
reclaim our missing misfits.
Scully: Rimmer?
(Mulder produces the dripping light bee)
Scully: Really, Mulder, that's a highly sensitive piece of equipment.  We'd
better get it dried off.  (She wraps it in a towel and tosses it into the
clothes dryer.  Within five seconds, it has become unwrapped and can be
heard
noisily bouncing around within the machine.  Kryten enters the laundry room
with a frown.)
Kryten: Don't do that.
(Scully quickly shuts off the dryer and removes the light bee)
Scully: Sorry.
Kryten: Please, join us in your office.  There's something you must see.
(Scully and Mulder return to the computer room.  They ignore the disks
scattered on the floor and files strewn about the room.  Duane sits
innocently in an arm chair looking appropriately worried)
Mulder: Did you find something on the internet?
Kryten: Well, Agent Scully allowed me to tap onto her America OnLine program
to see if I could use any of the resources there.  I was drawn into a
fascinating chat room.
Scully: Kryten!!  This is costing me $2.95 an hour!!
Kryten: Trust me, ma'am, it's well worth it.  The name of this particular
room is "Aliens Among Us."  It is rather interesting.  Look.  (Kryten
scrolls
the screen up to an earlier bit of dialogue)  See, here is the first
reference I came upon.
Mulder (reading, confused): "No, seriously, there really is a shuttle
orbiting above DC.  The occupants are wandering the streets of the nation's
capitol."  (looking up) How did the public get this information?
Kryten: Ah, that's the beauty of screen names.  This probably isn't a member
of your "public."  Despite the code name "Ralph2JL," this could be your
Skinner for all we know.  The point is that someone on here knows something.

Scully: Good work, Kryten.
Mulder: May I?
Scully: Sure, enjoy yourself.
Mulder: Hey, what kind of screen name is "SkullCrshr?"
Scully: Well, I set up this account just for Kryten and thought that he
could
intimidate some people.  Plus, it suits me, doncha think?
Mulder (beginning to type): Ah.  It's all much clearer now.

Ralph2JL: Does anyone believe me?
SkullCrshr: I do.
Ralph2JL: No you don't, you just want to insult me.
SkullCrshr: No, no, they're among us, aren't they?  How many - two, four?
Ralph2JL: No, more.  I heard there were eight.
SkullCrshr: Heard?  From who?
Ralph2JL: I don't want to wake up dead. I never reveal my sources.
SkullCrshr: What else have you heard?
Ralph2JL: Some of them are in government custody.
SkullCrshr: Aliens in custody?  In DC?
Ralph2JL: Yes.
SkullCrshr: Where?
Ralph2JL: Why?
SkullCrshr: Curious.
Ralph2JL: Top security.
SkullCrshr: How many?

Ralph2JL: Two, maybe three.
GordnBent: Oi, how do you know that, then?
Ralph2JL: Haven't you been paying attention?
GordnBent: Only just got here, I did.
Ralph2JL: My sources told me.  I can't say more than that.

Mulder: Hey, look at this!
Scully: What now?
Mulder: That screen name, those words....
Kryten: Oh, goodness gracious!!  It's Holly!  I wonder how she managed!
Mulder: I'm gonna try to let her know it's us.

SkullCrshr: GordnBent, why so interested?
GordnBent: Just a hobby.
SkullCrshr: Like banging your head on the screen?
GordnBent: Now I don't take that kind of back talk from just anyone!
SkullCrshr: I know.
Ralph2JL: Hey, what's going on here?  You two know each other?
SkullCrshr: Yes.
Ralph2JL: You set me up!  (hastily leaves the room and signs off to sit by
the phone and bite his fingernails)
GordnBent: Do I know you?
SkullCrshr: It's us, Hol, well, most of us.
GordnBent: Gordon Bennet!!
SkullCrshr: Exactly.  How'd you get on AOL?
GordnBent: What's that, then?

Scully: Good old helpful Holly.  Glad to have her back in our corner.
Kryten: Do give her a chance.
Duane: Excuse me, sirs, but I think you should know that there's a
helicopter
landing on the lawn.

SkullCrshr: Hol, we gotta go!! (Mulder quits the program and shuts off the
computer)
GordnBent: Wait, you didn't tell me where you are!
SilkBoxrs: I'll tell you where I am.
GordnBent: Only if you're prepared to eat large quantities of toast.
SilkBoxrs: Ooh, kinky.

(Lister feels a pain in his neck.  He tries to move his arm, but discovers
that he is strapped down.  He opens his eyes and winces at the brightness of
the light above him.  He tries to turn his head, but it is fixed in place.
 To his right, Kochanski goes through the same motions.  On his left, the
cat
is still unconscious)
Voice: They're awake.
(People can be heard talking excitedly and hurrying around the room)
Voice: Who are you.
Lister: Smeg off.
Voice: Where are you from?
Lister: Where the smeg do I look like I'm from?
Voice: Earth.
Lister: Then that would be the answer, wouldn't it?
Voice: We do not appreciate your tone of voice.
(A jolt of electricity courses through Lister's body)
Voice: Where are you from?
Kochanski: He told you, we're from Earth!
(She cries out as the electricity flows through her)
Lister: You bastards! (He fights against his restraints)
(The cat stirs)
Voice: Interesting that you chose accents from the other side of the
Atlantic.  Did you hope that would back up your story of being from out of
town?
(Lister and Kochanski remain quiet.  A low growl is heard from the cat)
Voice: Is this your cat?  Where did it come from?  Well, at any rate, it
shall be the first to be dissected.
(The cat's growl becomes a howl of rage)
Voice: Sedate that animal!!!
Lister: LEG IT!!!
(Lister and Kochanski stare helplessly at the bright lights above them,
unable to see Danny)
(Danny morphs into a wasp and stings the speaker several times)
Voice: AAAHHHHH!!!!! (He falls to the ground)
(Danny morphs into a bear and bellows a soul shaking roar.  People scream
and
footsteps are heard as they flee the room.  Danny morphs into a lab
technician with long black hair pulled up into a bun, wearing a flattering
pair of glasses and a white lab coat)
Danny: Ah, we'll soon have you free.
(She moves over to the restraints and releases Lister and Kochanski)
Lister (rubbing his neck and his eyes): Wow.
Danny: Let's get you out of here.  (She takes the keys off of the fallen
"Voice" and leads them from the room)
Kochanski: Where's the cat?
Lister: That *is* the cat.
Danny: Meow.
(They run up several flights of stairs and then hear footsteps descending)
Familiar Voice: And how is it going with our merchandise?
Lister: That bastard!
Danny: Wait.  (They move through the nearest door and crouch down behind it,
listening)
CancerMan: I trust everything is under control?
Extra: Oh yes.  The interrogation has just begun.
CancerMan: Good.  That's very good.
(The footsteps pass and continue to descend.  Lister, Kochanski, and Danny
emerge from the doorway and continue to ascend)
Lister (reaching the top first and trying the door): It's smegging locked!
Danny (begins searching through the keys on the ring): Here, try this one.
Lister: Brutal!
(They pass through and are soon faced with another door, this one requiring
hand-print security clearance.)
Lister: Smeg!
(Danny morphs into the earlier speaker and places a hand on the panel.  The
door slides open.  Danny morphs back into the technician)
Lister: Yeeeessss!
(On the other side of the door Lister and Kochanski are able to don similar
white lab coats)
Kochanski: How do we get out of this place?
Danny: Follow the exit signs?
(Kochanski look above her and sees a sign clearly marked "exit" which points
off to the left)
Kochanksi: Ok, we could do that.
(The three of them start down the spotless white hallway towards the next
exit sign - they hear the door behind them crash open)
CancerMan: STOP!!!!
(They break into a run and round a corner.  They see the exit.  The fire
doors are chained shut)
Lister: Danny, do something!  (Danny leaps into the air and morphs into a
boulder which rolls noisily and quickly towards the exit.  It crashes
through
the doors.  Lister and Kochanski emerge from the debris and see the white
coated technician with her hair neatly pulled back into a bun waiting for
them next to a taxi)
Danny: Coming?  (She opens the door and ushers them inside)
(Inside the cab, they instruct the driver to take them to Mulder's apartment
building.  On the way, they notice several helicopters in the air, and
instruct the driver to find the location they're centered over.  They pull
up
outside Scully's apartment and see Duane's face in the window and a
helicopter landing on the lawn)

Duane: And a taxi just pulled up out front!  Hey, it's them!
(Scully, Mulder and Kryten rush to the window to see for themselves)

(AND, many miles up up and away, Holly consults the toaster)
Holly: Have you got the hang of moving around?
Toaster: Nope.  But I make delicious crumpets.
Holly: Lovely.
Toaster: What have you been doing?
Holly: Trying to get a link with the computers on the ground.
Toaster: Any luck?
Holly: Some.
Toaster: Would you like some...
Holly: Nope.
Toaster: ...help.  I was going to say help.  (His browning knob twists with
agitation)
Holly: No thank you.  I'll manage.
Toaster: Suits me just fine.  How about some...
Holly: Nope.
Toaster: ...advice.
Holly: What kind of advice?
Toaster: Advice on the dietary requirements of the crew members.
Holly (bangs her head on the screen): DO NOT ASK ME ANY MORE QUESTIONS!!!!
Toaster: But surely, you wouldn't mind if I offered the occasional slice of
toast?
 

Chapter 17
  Previous  next

(Everyone is gathered in Scully's apartment, looking out the window at the
helicopter that is landing)
Mulder: Well...it's nice to have us all back together, but i don't know if I
like the looks of this.
(Lister futzes with Rimmer's light bee, and Rimmer appears)
Rimmer: What's going on, why am I so dizzy?
Kryten (to Rimmer) Errrr....Miss Scully put your light bee in the dryer, Mr.
Rimmer, Sir.
(Rimmer glares at Scully)
Scully (shrugging): But that wasn't until after the grape Kool-Aid incident
and your whirl in the dish washer.
Mulder (looking out the window): Whoever it is is coming out.....
Lister: That's it then. No point in putting Cat through this anymore.
(He makes a motion to Danny, who promptly jumps up and regurgitates Cat's
emotions)
Cat (to Danny): You ever do that again, and I'll drop-kick you right into
 Lister's wash bin.
(Danny shudders.)
Kochanski (looking out the window): Here he comes.....
(Outside the window, the helicopter door opens. Skinner appears and descends
onto the lawn. He walks to the building)
Scully: What's he doing?
Mulder: I'm not sure, but I doubt he's selling Mary Kay products.
(Seconds later, there's a knock at the door. Mulder opens it halfway.)
Mulder: Skinner! What a surprise! I'd let you in, but the place is a mess.
Skinner: Cut the crap, Mulder, I know they're inside.
(Mulder looks at him, and slowly opens the door. Skinner walks in, and looks
at the group of people.)
Skinner: I don't know who the hell you people are, or what you want, but we
have to get you away from here.
Scully: We told you...they're from England.
Skinner: So you said. (Looking at Cat) And I guess they don't have any
  orthodontists in England??
Cat: It's an accident from.....uhhhh...trying to open beer cans with my
mouth.
Skinner: Sure. (Looking around) I don't even want to know what your
explanation is for THAT.
(Skinner points to Danny, who, in her hurry, transformed herself into a
  trout. She is sitting on the floor and trying to look innocent.)
Scully: Where is Cancer Man?
Skinner: I managed to throw him off the trail for now, but it's only a
matter
of time before he finds you.
Mulder: Why are you helping us??
Skinner: Agent Mulder, I've spent my life walking the line between right and
wrong. I think it's about time that I step off that line and choose a
  side.
Lister: I like this guy!
Rimmer: I don't trust him.
Scully (to Rimmer): Wanna go back into the dryer?
(Rimmer shuts up. Danny hops across the floor to Skinner and nuzzles his
  leg, yelping like a dog.)
Skinner: Agent Mulder, would you call off your pet fish? I think it's about
 time that you tell me what's going on.

(Far above the planet)
Holly: Are you a person?
Toaster: No.
Holly: Are you a place?
Toaster: Ummmm. No.
(Holly sighs.
Holly: Are you a thing?
Toaster: Yes.
Holly: Are you a muffin?
Toaster: How did you know??
Holly: Because you've been a smeggin' bready thing for the last 30 smeggin'
games!!! Maybe the gang is back on the computer. Let me check.

Gordnbent: Hello?
Casanova: Hello. ;)
Gordnbent: Are you guys there?
Casanova: I'm here, baby. All of me.
Gordnbent: I don't know what to do.
Casanova: It's easy, baby. Just let the passion take you over.
Gordbent: Lister? Kryten?
Casanova: I'm whoever you want me to be.
Gordnbent: GO AWAY!!!
Casanova: Yeah..play hard to get..I like that. Where are you?
Gordnbent: I'm the computer of a ship that is hovering over your planet.
How's that??
Casanova: Ooooh. Nice. I like that. I'll be the repair man.
Gordnbent has signed off.

(Everyone is seated around Mulder's table. Danny has transformed into a
chicken. She's strutting around the room and clucking.)
Skinner: So you're all from the future?
(Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and Kochanski all nod)
Mulder: Cool, huh?
Skinner: I don't
know what to believe.
Scully: What about Danny?? Doesn't that prove it?
(Danny, upon hearing her name, transforms into a bumblebee and flies to
  Skinner)
Skinner: Agent Scully, you know as well as I do that the government has
experimented with genetics.
Mulder: Maybe, but do you think they could create a pet that could do all
this?
(Everyone watches as Danny flies around the room)
Rimmer: Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt your little air show, but didn't he
say
that we have to get out of here??
Skinner: It's only a matter of time before they find you people here. We
have
to get you away.
Lister (looking at Kochanski): I don't want to get away from here. I'm home.
(Kochanski gets up and walks around the table)
Kochanski: I don't want to leave here either, Dave, but this isn't home.
I've
been watching the television. There's racism and hatred here. There's so
much
wrong with this place.
Lister: You'd rather be back on Red Dwarf??
(Kochanski sighs)
Kochanski: I think so. This isn't a world that I want to be part of.
Lister: You may be right. Back on Red Dwarf, the only bad thing is Rimmer.
Rimmer: Thanks, Listy.
Cat: But....maybe this world needs something wonderful. Something that can
bring it together for a common good.
Skinner: What do you suggest?
Cat: My ass. Just look at it!
(Cat stands up and shows his posterior to Skinner. Skinner just closes his
eyes and rubs his temples.)
Lister: Well, if we're going to get back to Starbug, how are we going to do
it??
Kryten: I wouldn't worry about it, sir. I'm sure Holly is working on it as
we
speak.

(Above the planet)
Toaster: How did you know I was a waffle?
(Holly's head drops forward, hitting the screen with a loud THUNK).

Chapter 18
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(Skinner looks hard at Kryten for the first time.)
Skinner: What, may I ask, really happened to your head?
Kryten: I, erm, I-I-I...
Scully: He's a mechanoid, sir.
Skinner: (walks around Kryten) Incredible!
Mulder: You should get a load of his attachments.
(Scully grins and takes a swat at Mulder's arm)
Skinner: And who is this Holly you were talking about.
Kryten: She is our ship's computer.  Her IQ is in excess of 6000.
(Mulder and Scully raise their eyebrows)
Kryten: Well, I'm sure there's still a six in it....somewhere.
Skinner: And the computer is all you left on the ship?
Lister: Eh, pretty much.
Skinner: Meaning?
Lister: There's another machine up there with artificial intelligence.  Top
secret, you understand.
Skinner: (suspiciously) Is it dangerous?
Cat: Sure is! Why if you don't eat all the toast, it -
Lister: Very.
Mulder (impressed): Yeah, I think it's capable of launching missiles.  Did
someone say they ordered it to launch something at the White House before
they left?
Rimmer (slowly catching on): Aaaahhhh, that would be me.  It's set to launch
aaaaaany second now.  And then kablooey!!!!
Lister: Nah, there's still a bit of time.  Smeghead forgot to carry the two.
 But we gotta get back and turn it off or else, well, kablooey.
Cat: Hey, I thought you was talkin' 'bout -
Kochanski: Cat, could you make me a jacket like that?
Cat: What, you like it? (grinning from ear to ear and feeling the fabric of
his jacket) The pattern's on Starbug. You want shoulder pads and sequins,
too?
Kochanski: Let's discuss it in the kitchen.
(She and Cat hold a serious fashion conference in the other room)
(Skinner sits on the sofa)
Skinner: This is going to pose a problem.
Lister: Just get us back and we'll get the smeg out of here!
Skinner: Well, it isn't that simple.  It's not like hot wiring a car, you
know.  We don't have space shuttles sitting around unattended on every
corner.
Mulder: What's in store for their craft?
Skinner: It's going to be blown out of the sky as soon as all the
calculations are made.  They tell me it's going to take a day or so.
Mulder: Are you telling me no one at NASA's got a calculator?
Skinner (nodding): I know, it sounds suspicious.
Scully
: Do you think they'll try to board it?
Skinner: That's certainly a possiblity.
Lister: Isn't there a way we could become part of the boarding party?
Mulder: I'm sure this is a top security matter.  You'd need to be with the
right people. (He stops suddenly and looks at Lister)  But you can be, can't
you?
(Lister nods and Danny morphs from bumble bee to Skinner)
Skinner: Well I'll be damned.

(And many miles above the Earth)
Toaster: Are you a person?
Holly: No.
Toaster: Are you a thing?
Holly: Yes.
Toaster: Are you a tea cake?
Holly: No.
Toaster: A bagel?
Holly (resting her head against the screen): No.
Toaster: I know! A crumpet!
Holly: Uh uh.
Toaster: But we've covered every other bready item in my data banks! You're
not repeating one of them, are you?
Holly: No.
Toaster: Hmm, I give up.  What were you?
Holly: A 14 lb lump hammer.
Toaster: That's in very poor taste.

(Back in Scully's apartment)
Scully: Excuse me, sir, but don't you think your grand entrance might have
caught someone's attention?
Skinner (Pulling his eyes away from his double): Yes, and I've stayed longer
than I'd anticipated.  But we've got to get them back to their shuttle so
they can disarm that device.  Which one of you set that, again?
Lister: Eh, him. (Points to Rimmer)
Rimmer: I was just following orders.
Skinner: Given by whom?
Lister: Arnie, don't you remember? You're the highest rank on the ship.
Rimmer (smiling evilly): No, not anymore.  That woman is.
(Kochanski and Cat emerge from the kitchen eating large slices of pie)
Scully: Help yourself guys.
Cat: Mmmph!
Scully: You're welcome.
Kochanski: Rimmer, did I hear you referring to me in your usual loving way?
Rimmer: Yes you did.  Don't you remember?  You, highest rank on Red Dwarf,
ordered me, a rather sad, low ranking technician, to activate that death
ray.
Kochanksi: Death ray?  Don't exaggerate. (sits next to Skinner)
Skinner: I don't appreciate the hostile actions taken against this planet.
Kochanski: It was a purely precautionary measure.  We were never going to
fire it.  We never thought we'd get stuck here.  (takes a forkful of pie)
 Mmm, Dana, this is good.
Skinner: Yet you set it on automatic???
Kochanski: Na, that would be his fault. (nods towards Rimmer)  He can't
follow directions to save his life.  Isn't that true?
Rimmer (wrinkles up his nose): Look, you silly cow....
Lister: Rimmer, that's enough.  I'll have no more of your snide remarks for
the rest of our stay on Earth.  Is that clear?
Rimmer: No, it's not clear you goit!  Since when do you order me around?
Lister: Since I saved your smegging light bee from being destroyed by a BMW
and since I rerouted your circuits to extend your run time.
(Rimmer is silent)
Cat: Buddy, are you nuts?
Skinner: Mulder, are they like this all the time?
Mulder: More than that, I'd say.
Skinner: Can we please get going?
Scully: Where, exactly?
Skinner: Just get in the chopper.
(The group files out to the helicopter which is waiting on the lawn outside.
 Lister, Kochanski, Cat, Danny, and Kryten climb into it.  Rimmer sulks for
a
while, then follows.  Mulder and Scully pause and speak to Skinner)
Mulder: You really think this'll work?
Skinner: I'd say no, but they've got that shape shifter.  Who knows what
it's
capable of.  You two can stay here.  I'll handle this from now on.
Scully and Mulder: No.
Skinner: Very well.
(They board the helicopter and it lifts off)

(Many miles above the Earth)
Holly: I'm sensing a major power surge from the surface.
Toaster: (excited) Do you think they're making the universe's largest
toasted
bun?
Holly: Mmmm, it's doubtful.
Toaster: Then it's a waste of power.
Holly: I can't tell, but it seems to resemble the heat produced by Red
Dwarf's engines.  It's almost as if something is powering up and is about to
be launched into space.
Toaster: Why would they do that?  There's nothing of interest up here.
Holly: True.

Chapter 19
  Previous  next
 

(Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Skinner (Danny), Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and
Kochanski enter darkened room)
Lister (to Skinner): Ummm, are you sure this is where we're supposed to be,
Skinhead?
Skinner: This is where I was told. And it's 'Skinner'.
Lister: Sorry.
Rimmer: I can't see a smegging thing.
Kochanski: Cat...is your nose picking up anything?
Cat: Just Dana's perfume. Buddy, I hope there's a cold shower nearby.
Mulder: Loud and clear, Cat. It does the same to me.
Rimmer: Whoops...sorry about hitting your arm, Listy.
Scully: I'm NOT Lister, and that WASN'T my arm.
Rimmer: Really? Hmmmm. Whoops, sorry again!
(A loud *SLAP* is heard)
Rimmer: Ow.
Scully: Creep.
Rimmer: (sighs) Sometimes I miss being a soft light hologram.
Skinner: Shhhh. I hear something.
(Suddenly, spotlights cut through the room and focus on the group. The door
behind them locks with a loud *clang*)
Lister: Oh smeg.
(A voice echoes through the room)
CancerMan: Well...isn't this a nice little party.
(A window lights up on the wall ahead of the group. Cancer Man's face is in
the window. Danny changes into a fly, buzzing around Lister. Cancer Man's
voice fills the room from an intercom system)
CancerMan: Mulder, Scully, Skinner, and the aliens. So glad you could join
us.
Skinner (yelling): You bastard!
CancerMan: Is the robot with you??
Kryten: Me, sir?
CancerMan: Ah...there he is. Do...you...understand...english?
Kryten: Yes...I...do. I also understand that you're a complete and utter
git.

Lister: You tell him, Kryts. (to CancerMan) Look gramps, I don't know what
your beef is, but my friends and I have to get back to our nice, peaceful
ship and get on with our nice, peaceful lives.
CancerMan: Your ship will be gone in a matter of hours.
Kochanski: What?
Cat: Yeah, what? Look buddy, I don't know what's in those funky cigarettes
 you smoke, but if you board that ship, the computer has orders to self-
 destruct.
Mulder (whispers to Rimmer): Is that true?
Rimmer (whispers to Mulder): Hardly. Holly couldn't find her own bottom even
if you gave her a map and a flashlight. She sure as smeg couldn't find the
self-destruct sequence.
Lister: So you see, you should just let us go.
CancerMan: Is that right? Well, as a matter of fact, there will shortly be a
group of my men aboard that spacecraft. I would hate for them to be hurt.
Scully: You mean you would hate for them to be hurt before they give you the
information and YOU kill them.
CancerMan: Ms. Scully...accidents happen.
Rimmer (to CancerMan): That's funny. I thought that's exactly what the
doctors told your mother after you were born.
CancerMan: I'm sure that if there is a self-destruct sequence, the short one
with the pony-tails will know how to de-activate it.
Lister: Pony-tails?? You smeggin' goit! These aren't 'pony-tails'. Sorry,
pal. The self-destruct sequence is set. There's no turning back.
CancerMan: I think I can help change your mind...
(two doors swing open. Military men pour into the room with their guns
  raised. Soldiers take the guns from Mulder, Scully, and Skinner)
CancerMan: On your knees. All of you.
Cat (sobbing): Oh no.......
Kochanski: It'll be ok, Cat.
Cat: No it won't. These floors are filthy. I'll never get these pants clean.
(the group get down on their knees. The soldiers circle them, their guns
  raised)
Kryten: If I may ask, sirs, what is to stop me from attacking all of you?
Those guns you are holding would cause little, if any, damage to me...
CancerMan: That's what this is for... (points to the soldier behind Kryten.
The soldier is holding two clamps. He brings them together, creating a giant
blue ball of electricity)
Kryten: Point well made, sir.
CancerMan: Now then...how do we disarm the computer?
Lister: I dunno. Try giving her a math story problem. She hates those.
CancerMan: I see you want to play hardball...
(CancerMan nods to a soldier. The soldier smashes the butt of his rifle
against Skin
ner's head. Skinner sinks to the floor. Mulder and Scully
attempt
to get up, but are held down by the soldiers)
Mulder (to CancerMan): I swear...someday....you'll pay for all of this.
CancerMan: I don't think so. How about it, people? I need to know how to
de-activate the security. Mr. Skinner was lucky. The next time, it won't be
the back of the rifle that's used.
Scully (struggling): What's the point? You're going to kill them and study
them anyway...
CancerMan: True, but this is fun, and my doctor told me that I need more fun
in my life. The de-activation sequence, pony-tail?
Lister: Go to hell, you smeg. And if you call me pony-tail once more, I'm
gonna jam that cigarette so far up your bum that you'll be spitting out
ashes.
CancerMan: Wrong answer.
(CancerMan nods to another soldier. The soldier raises his rifle to
   Kochanski's head.........
 

Chapter 20
  Previous  next

(Lister clenches his teeth as he watches the rifle raise.  He struggles
against his restrainers and chokes back a sob as Kochanski closes her eyes
and braces herself with a deep breath.  The trigger is pulled.  The soldier
reels back as the rifle explodes in his direction.  An unnoticed cork in the
barrel of the rifle pops out and transforms back into a fly.)
Soldier1: Damn American-made rifles!
CancerMan: How unusual.
(Lister lets out a sigh of relief and Kochanski opens one eye warily.
 Skinner stirs.  Cat tries to brush some filth off his pants and only
manages
to make the stain worse.  He wails in agony.)
Kryten: Indeed.
(Kryten watches with interest as the fly buzzes over to the wall, transforms
into a rodent, and deftly removes a plug from a socket.)
Kryten: And quite useful.
(He wrenches the rifle from the somewhat singed soldier and tosses it to the
waking Skinner.  The electrical clamps are touched to him with no effect.
 Skinner uses the butt of the rifle on the soldier who took the same liberty
with him.)
Skinner: Alright, I've really had enough of this.  I vowed yesterday that if
I got the crap beat out of me one more time before the end of the week
someone was going down, I don't care who.  (He looks to the window where the
CancerMan had been - he's gone.  Skinner checks to be sure the rifle is